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Banner created by KateKat. 23AM Visions of hands and mouths touching and kissing, legs and arms tangled with his, filled Xander's thoughts. He tried to banish them, his hands tangling into William's hair, but Giles' features kept reappearing in the midst of tangled limbs. Giles and somebody else that Xander couldn't see or hear, and it was bad enough that he was thinking about his teacher in the first place-it really made his classes *hell*-let alone his teacher and someone else. And wasn't that crazy in itself-the fact that there were two, not one, men in his visions? He'd asked William once, what he'd think about having a threesome, and William had laughed at him, said that anyone who'd think he could share Xander had to be crazy. Xander hadn't asked again. At least he'd had the excuse of being drunk at the time; otherwise, he would never have asked the question in the first place. Who in his right mind would think about adding someone else to a relationship that should have been perfect already? Xander tried again to shake off the visions, tried his best to focus on the man between his legs, on the mouth that was working wonders on his cock. But he couldn't. Whenever he tried, he could feel himself starting to lose his erection. And it wasn't William's fault. Xander knew that, because William was *hot*, he was more than hot. He was-he was gorgeous and nice-so nice, even when his attitude came out to play-and he was-he was- He wasn't *enough*. "Will, stop, please," Xander said, ashamed but finally realizing what he should have known since the beginning of their relationship. William wasn't enough. Xander didn't know who or what would be, but it wasn't fair for William if Xander spaced out whenever they had sex, to imagine *more*, even if the *more* didn't have a face or a name. "Xander?" He was looking up now, his mouth red and wet and his hands still on Xander's knees. William was frowning now, and Xander wanted to do what he always did before: kiss him until William forgot what he'd been frowning at. William was good at this, so very good, but Xander couldn't even enjoy a blowjob without feeling guilty. "God, I'm sorry," Xander said, looking away even as his erection softened. "It's okay. You're not in the mood," William said, climbing on Xander's lap. "I can--" Xander shook his head. "It's not--" "Really, pet, it can happen to any guy-" Xander stopped him, pushing William off his lap onto the couch. "No, that's not what this is. I-" He bit his lips, his face flushed in embarrassment. God, he was the worst boyfriend ever. "This-it's been building for a while. I-It's not working-" "You're breaking up with me. That's it, innit?" William snorted. "Just because you can't keep it up, doesn't mean-" Xander closed his eyes and took his head into his hands. He'd never wanted to do it this way, William deserved more than this. But Xander was tired of the pretences. If William could just give him a moment, then he would explain, and maybe William would understand and- "What's your issue?" William sneered, standing up and reaching for his leather coat. Xander knew he was going to storm out. Whenever he was hurt, no matter how affectionate and loving he was the rest of the time, William got angry. "Couldn't you have at least told me about this-this-whatever it is that's got you soft now?" "I'm trying!" "Not now, git! Been together what? Six bloody months, and-" William stopped, obviously not sure what he was going to say himself. "Hell, Xander, this can't be new!" Xander winced, but didn't move. No, it wasn't new. It had been building for a while, and Xander had just decided to turn a blind eye on it until it came back to bite him in the ass. Xander hadn't ever wanted to hurt William. William had cared-cared about everything and Xander hadn't wanted that to go away. That drunken question had been as far as Xander had been willing to go on the issue, and William's rebuttal had been enough to stop Xander from trying again. Xander stayed like this for a long time, silent, head bent down and watching his feet. William was hovering over him, obviously wishing he could slip outside for a cigarette. Xander was so confused and lost, his thoughts swirling in his mind and he couldn't make any sense of them. William had been really great for him. Sure, there had always been this feeling of dissatisfaction, but Xander had chalked it up to it being his first serious relationship with a man. It had nothing to do with the sex. The sex had always been great. Until Xander had started dreaming of *more*. Xander was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he jumped when William touched his shoulder. "I'm an idiot, eh?" William gave a tentative smile, although he couldn't hide the sadness in his eyes. "Come here." He pulled Xander into his arms and held him tight. Xander gave a dry sob, letting his head fall on William's shoulder. "Might want to tuck yourself back in," William whispered into his ear. Xander gave a small chuckle, reaching down to do just that. "I'm so sorry, Will," he whispered back. And he was, he really was. No matter what Xander had felt during their relationship, William *had* made him the happiest he'd ever been. It was probably insane of Xander to wish it was *more*, because who wished for more when you already had the best you'd ever had? "I know." There were tears in William's voice, and Xander could feel his own eyes prickling now. "I never wanted it to end this way. It's kind of humiliating. Mostly for you-but for me too." William shook his head. "Only you and I will know. And I'll keep mum. Not like I'd want people to know I got dumped while I was blowing you, right?" Xander laughed quietly, but it only lasted a short moment. "God, I'm such an asshole." He struggled to find the right words, because he wanted to explain, wanted William to understand why Xander was doing this, and know that it wasn't William's fault-- "No need to explain," William said softly. Xander had never understood that about William, how he could move from one emotion to the next without even needing to stop for his breath. There he was again, brushing his hand through Xander's hair like he'd done thousands of times before. "Can't bloody well stay angry with you, can I? I should, but I can't. Already knew this was going to happen. Tried not to think about it much, cause I wasn't ready to let you go-not that I am now, but-" He sighed. "I'm not enough for you, I've never been. It's nothing to do with me, I'm bloody gorgeous and hot, and sex with me is the best thing a man could wish for, but it's never been enough, and I get-no, I don't get it. But it's okay." It was so blunt, laid out like that, but Xander knew William was right. "I--I'm sorry." "Stop saying that. It's not a bloody contest; you don't have to be the one who says it the most. You're sorry, I forgive you, let's move on to the part where we're both over our broken hearts, and go out for a drink together, okay? Drink to our break-up. Promise 'm not going to try to seduce you again." Xander smiled, disentangling himself from William's arms. "I don't think I'm ready for a drink, but maybe tomorrow? I just need--" "Some time, pet, yeah. I'll go home and get some rest. Me mum'll be right happy to see me, I reckon." "Say hi from me, please?" "Will do. I'll be here at eight. No moping, or I'm dumping you right there on the streets." And he was gone again. Xander knew that William was going home to cry. He'd loved Xander so much more than Xander had ever been able to love him back. No matter what he said about getting over his broken heart, Xander knew it would take a lot longer than just one afternoon. Even for him. Feedback Back to Dreamland Back to Fly With Me |