Communication
September 24, 2006
1,700 words (seventeen 100 words drabbles)
Written for slash_100
Prompts: 077 - Betrayal, 088 - Lost, 063 - Hurt, 089 - Found, 066 - Anger, 095 - Lies, 064 - Agony, 045 - Storm, 024 - Choices, 033 - Too Much, 022 - Death, 052 - Angst, 025 - Accident, 042 - Snow, 055 - If, 054 - And, 087 - Heart (in that order)
Title and quotes from The Cardigans' 'Communication'
Dedicated to Cala Jane because she rocks.
* * *
I've been trying
To believe and confide in
Different people I found...
He can't betray her like this. It doesn't matter how much he wants this, Giles' fingers on his skin. He can't.
Giles understands, and moves away. Xander turns his back on him, and walks to the door. He wants to say something, make this okay, but he can't think, so he just says he's sorry. He came here tonight to come clean, maybe get Giles out of his head. It didn't go according to plan.
Because Giles likes him back, and Xander never imagined that possibility. Now Giles knows, and Xander knows, and there's nothing they can do about it.
Some of them got closer than others,
And some wouldn't even bother,
And then you came around.
Xander is missing.
Willow phoned and Giles still cannot process the thought of Xander leaving. Xander would never do something like that. Unless...
Unless the conversation they had, weeks ago, had a more powerful effect than Giles had wanted. Perhaps he had been too forward, but Xander had looked so lost, and confused. Giles hadn't been able to stop himself until Xander had held up his hand.
Giles knows it's his fault, and the only thing he can do to make it right is leave for Sunnydale. Find Xander and bring him home. Perhaps things would be different this time.
I didn't really know what to call you,
You didn't know me at all,
But I was happy to explain.
Giles never showed up at his wedding. Xander isn't sure why it hurts him so much, but he knows it plays a big part in explaining why he couldn't go through with it. It's terrifying, to think that maybe he likes Giles more than he likes Anya.
He shouldn't.
Anya is beautiful, and funny, and perfect for him. Maybe not everyone loved her, but she was honest, and enthusiastic, and the sex-the sex was good. They could have had a family together, and maybe even a picket fence, because that's what she wanted. If only things had been different.
I never really knew how I'd move you,
So I tried to intrude through
The little holes in your veins.
In the end, it's not all that difficult to find Xander. He's not hiding.
He won't open the door, though, and the manager of the motel has to let Giles in. Xander is still wearing his tuxedo, and a good dozen bottles of alcohol line up the television stand. Giles doesn't say a word; there isn't anything he can say to make this right.
He shouldn't be here. He's the one who put Xander into this mess in the first place. Perhaps, though, here is exactly where he should be. He hasn't been able to make up his mind yet.
And I saw you.
But that's not an invitation,
That's all I get
"Go away," Xander doesn't sound convincing, and he knows it. He doesn't have the energy to be angry, and he's pretty sure he's just a bit drunk. The last drink he had was hours ago, though, so maybe he isn't drunk anymore, but he can't tell, his head hurts too much.
Giles doesn't go away. Xander feels the bed shifting a little bit, and then a hand on his forearm. Xander doesn't open his eyes. He can't. He doesn't want to see the pity he's sure is in Giles' eyes. They just stay there, not moving, for a long time.
If this is communication,
I disconnect...
Giles could lie. He could tell Xander he's here because the girls asked him, even though Willow clearly told him not to. He could say he doesn't understand why Xander did this, but he does. He could even say that it's not too late; Xander can run back to Anya, she's probably waiting for him. It would be hard, but they love each other, and everything would work out in the end. Giles could say he doesn't feel anything for Xander anymore, help him get rid of all the confusion in his mind.
Giles can't lie. He simply holds on.
I've seen you, I know you,
But I don't know how to connect,
So I disconnect...
That's probably how it feels to be agonizing, just on the edge of death. Xander doesn't like it. He doesn't want to die. Not that he actually is, except maybe of a heartbreak. Giles isn't moving away, he's wrapping his arms around Xander's shoulders. Xander can't take it. He just can't.
He turns to break away, but the arms tighten, and suddenly Xander doesn't want to fight anymore. He sighs, pushes his face against Giles' neck, and cries. He's clutching at Giles' back, and his tears are soaking through Giles' shirt. He doesn't notice anything; he just knows he's safe.
You always seem to know where to find me,
And I'm still here behind you,
In the corner of your eye.
Xander sobs like he has never cried before. It's heart wrenching, and feels like a storm is tearing through him. Giles can't do anything but hold him. He doesn't think words can help at all. Xander is too far-gone to hear.
Giles makes soft shushing sounds, running his hands soothingly over Xander's back until Xander calms down. The sobs subside and Giles just keeps holding on. "Xander, I-" he starts, fumbles with his words, and when nothing else works, he reaches for Xander's chin and lifts it up. The kiss is soft; Giles knows this is why he's here.
I never really learnt how to love you,
But I know that I love you,
Through the hole in the sky
Where I see you.
Xander knows he has to choose now. Decide what he's going to do next, whether he leaves with Giles, or stays here. He doesn't know what he wants.
No, that isn't true. He knows what he wants, has known for a long time, but he isn't sure it's on offer anymore, kiss notwithstanding.
Okay, maybe it is, and maybe he should just ask, so he opens his mouth, and looks up into Giles' eyes. "I-" He chokes.
Giles smiles, and kisses him again, and Xander knows it can't be that easy, but it's a step in the right direction.
And that's not an invitation,
That's all I get.
Giles takes Xander back to Sunnydale, but he can't stay long. They talk in the car, and they both come to the same conclusion. It can't happen now. Maybe in a few months, after Xander has put a bit of order in his life. When things calm down.
It's all a bit too much for him. Giles understands. He drops him off, spends a day with the girls, who are all happy to see him, and then he's off again. It's lonely in England, a bit overwhelmingly so. Especially now.
Giles simply holds on to the memory of that kiss.
If this is communication,
I disconnect...
England isn't all it's cracked up to be, and Xander often wishes he were away, back home. Then he remembers everyone who died, and he knows he doesn't want to go back there.
That thought still doesn't make England feel like home.
Giles never looks at Xander anymore, and Xander feels just a little more dead inside. He knows it's the eye. Giles can't forgive himself for not having been there, for not saving Xander from mutilation. He doesn't understand that it isn't his fault, but then, Xander never tells him that either. He doesn't think he should need to.
I've seen you, I know you,
But I don't know how to connect,
So I disconnect...
Giles wonders what he should say, what he should do. He sees Xander slipping farther and farther into depression, and he's powerless to stop it. Whenever they are in the same room, Xander slumps his shoulders and shuts down. They haven't spoken a word in days. Giles tries, but the words simply never come.
Xander's ashamed of himself. Giles feels it. He watches Xander, sometimes, when Xander doesn't know he's there, and Giles doesn't think Xander has cracked a smile since they arrived here over a month ago.
And Xander without a smile is a rather depressing sight to see.
Well, this is an invitation,
It's not a threat.
It's a bit of an ironic thing. It's a simple car accident, not even a fight, which brings Xander back to England. The weirdest thing is that Xander now thinks of it as home. He's coming home.
He's been gone for five months now, and he's had time to do some thinking. A lot of it. He thinks he's figured it out, but he isn't sure. He needs to see Giles.
Xander is transported in helicopter. It's better for him, in his condition. Giles has been notified; he'll be there when Xander lands. Just a few more minutes to go.
If you want communication,
That's what you get.
It's snowing when the helicopter lands, but Giles won't wait inside. The phone call worried him, and he's not moving until he sees Xander. It doesn't take long and they have Xander out of the helicopter. They're hurrying, and Giles knows this isn't just a simple transfer. Xander's life hangs in the balance.
He rushes to Xander's side, and takes his hand, feels it tightening on his own. Giles walks swiftly with the paramedics. Another squeeze, and Giles looks down. Xander is smiling. It's a tired smile, and there's a bloody gash on his cheek, but Xander is still beautiful.
I'm talking and talking,
But I don't know how to connect.
Giles says something, and it's soft, and soothing. Xander isn't sure he heard properly, his head is spinning from the blood loss, and he's just about to lose consciousness. If he heard right though, then, maybe, everything will be all right.
There's a commotion down in the emergency room, and Giles has to stay behind.
Xander manages another smile, and when Giles smiles back, Xander knows
he's going to get out of this alive. He has to. So he closes his eye, and
burns the image of Giles' smile to his mind.
He just might have something worth living for.
And I hold... a record for being patient
With your kind of hesitation.
Giles waits. It takes three hours for the doctor to come back. The nurses are nice and bring him tea; one even sits with him all through her break. He's grateful for the company. The doctor is optimistic. Xander's life is not in danger. Giles can see him.
The room is quiet; the only sound is the machine beeping in time with Xander's heart. He's awake.
Giles sits down by his side, and takes his hand. He says it again, and again, making sure Xander knows. They've been waiting too long already; it was almost too late. "I love you."
I need you, you want me,
But I don't know how to connect,
So I disconnect.
This time, Xander hears clearly. He knows he heard right the first time. Giles loves him. He wants to say it back, but there's a tube down his throat and he can't talk. Giles squeezes his hand, and Xander thinks Giles understands.
Xander's heart beats steadily, and it's the most comforting sound Xander has ever heard.
There's a tear in Xander's eye, but he doesn't care. Giles has seen him cry before, now won't make a difference. The tear doesn't have time to roll down the side of his face. Giles captures it, and cups Xander's cheek.
"I love you."
I disconnect...
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