January 2003
Warnings: non-con, slight dom/sub undertones, court martial, psycho-babble.
Thanks to Siege and Poodle for their help with this fic. Thanks to Helen
for the quick beta. To CJ on his birthday.
* * *
"Graham?" Riley entered his friend's room as he returned from a classified meeting. Those meetings always left him tired and 'wanting'. Since Maggie Walsh's death, there had been so many of these endless meetings, trying to decide what would happen to the remaining Initiative soldiers stationed in Sunnydale and as well as at the base.
"I'm here." Graham answered, entering the room behind Riley, a towel around his waist. "I'm just out of the shower." He added, pointedly looking down at the water dripping over his bare chest before meeting Riley's eyes.
Riley's eyes glinted in the dim light as he stared at the semi-naked man. Graham caught the look and his throat dried up; the cold chill that swept over him wasn't due to his damp skin. He knew what Riley liked and quickly closed the door, then returned to kneel at Riley's feet, the towel falling to the floor.
Riley looked down and smiled coldly. "I'm waiting... Good boy." He said, pulling off his shirt as Graham unfastened his belt.
Graham whimpered silently and closed his eyes against the harsh truth. It was happening again.
****Flashback
"Riley, I think you‘ve had enough." Graham said gently, as he tried to take the beer out of Riley's hands. His tenth one. "It's no use, Ri."
"That bitch." Riley slurred as he glared at his friend. "Give me my beer back. M'not done drinking."
"Yes, you are." Graham insisted, taking his friend's hand and helping him up. "I'm taking you back to the house. You need..."
Riley interrupted him. "What I need is to get laid. Hell, I'd settle for a good blow job, but my girlfriend won't even give me that. What's a man to do when his girl isn't satisfying him? Huh? I mean, what's the idea of having a girlfriend if you don't get some?" He looked at Graham thoughtfully. "You never had a girlfriend, Gray. How the hell do you do it?"
Graham frowned. "Do what?"
"Live without getting any." Riley replied, leering.
Graham shrugged his shoulders. "I *do* get some." He said. "But you're not interested in knowing how." He finished, muttering, as they left the club and got into Graham's car. The brunette had only had one beer, so driving wouldn't be a problem.
Riley settled in the passenger seat and buckled his belt in a fit of drunken laughter. "So, if you do get some, lemme guess... you get the boys." Happy with what he thought was an obvious joke, Riley laughed loudly. Graham only quirked his eyebrow at him and looked back on the road. "Oh My God." Riley said, stopping his laughter for a moment. "You do! My best friend's a queer!"
Graham rubbed his forehead with his left hand. He could deal with this, yes he could.
"You're gay! Gray! What the hell is wrong with you?" Riley exclaimed yet again, as they pulled up in front of the house and Graham helped his friend out of the car. "You're a fucking sissy! I can't fucking believe it. My best friend's a goddamn queer!"
Graham was very glad that all of the men were already asleep; Riley's voice echoed off the walls fairly loudly. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally opened Riley's door and pushed the laughing and insulting young man in. Riley hadn't stopped laughing, nor his litany of name calling during the time it had taken them to walk from the front door up to Riley's room.
"Prick. You like pricks." Riley kept repeating as he collapsed on the bed.
Graham sighed and looked away. "Look Ri, if we are going to have this conversation, I would prefer it if you weren't drunk." Graham was suddenly afraid that Riley would never accept his preferences. But he needed his friend to understand. He had known he was gay since high school and had had a few affairs with some of the guys on campus, but nothing had ever come of it. It was only sex and he only ever wanted it to be sex. But with Riley it was different. He was different. Graham had an unfortunate tendency to fall in love with his friends. He never meant to, but it always seemed to happen. That was why he had very few male friends; usually moving on when he realized he'd become too attached. Riley was no exception. But contrary to the others, Graham hadn't turned away from him when he had realized it. He had stayed and tried to keep his feelings toward Riley at bay; but as time passed, it was proving more difficult a task than he had thought.
Riley rolled his eyes. "There's no conversation to be had, Gray. You're a queer and lets face it, I want a blow job. Think you can help me with that buddy?" He leered at his friend.
Graham's heart beat slightly faster at Riley's proposition. It was inappropriate and rude, but oh God, a small part of him thrilled at the possibility of touching Riley's flesh, of acting out some of his wildest fantasies. Graham shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. "You're delirious Riley. You have no idea what you're asking."
Riley rolled his eyes yet again, slightly annoyed. "Sure I do Gray." He reached out his hand and traced his friend's mouth with shaking fingers. "You've got a pretty mouth. I would love to see it wrapped around my hard cock." He grabbed his friend's hand. "Want to see how pretty my cock is?"
Graham gulped and tried to take his hand away but Riley held him tight. The brunette knew that if he really wanted to, he could get out of his friend's grasp, but Graham didn't want to move. He struggled briefly with what he should do and what he wanted to do. And he wanted to touch Riley - he knew this might be his only chance to be with the man who meant so much to him. Graham knew he needed to pull away now, let Riley sleep it off. This was so wrong, taking advantage of his friend while he was drunk, letting Riley use him, it was bad, it was... oh god.
"Feel this?" Riley asked huskily, as he placed Graham's hand on his denim covered crotch. All of Graham's good intentions flew south, along with his blood - his breath caught in his throat as Riley thrust up against his palm. "All hard and ready for you to take." Riley whispered huskily. With his free hand, Riley reached for his zipper and pulled it down, freeing his cock from it's prison. "I bet you've jacked off a coupla times, thinking about my dick. You like that, don't ya Gray. You like making me all hard and hot?" Riley asked, placing Graham's hand back over his pulsing flesh.
Riley thrust into Graham's hand again. "Betcha want to taste, huh?" He said, huskily. Graham whimpered and looked up at Riley's smiling face, before staring back down at his friend's cock pressed into his hand, precum leaving a sticky trail against his palm whenever Riley thrust upward.
Panting, Graham couldn't take his eyes away from Riley's cock, circling his hand around the thick hardness that was SO inviting.
"Take my pants off, Gray." Riley ordered huskily, his head falling back on the pillow and his hand letting go of Graham‘s. "I know you want it. I'm so hard Graham. S'all your fault, you make me so hot." He whispered before adding: "Show me what you can do buddy."
Rational thoughts had fled Graham's mind at the sight, feel and sound of Riley hard against him, asking for him. Ri wanted him.
Not thinking twice, as he should have, Graham lowered Riley's pants and threw them on the floor. He knelt between his friend's legs and took his shaft in his right hand, the left one going lower to cup Riley's balls. Riley was more likely to regret all of this tomorrow morning and probably not want to talk to him anymore. But the brunette pushed these thoughts aside. It had already gone too far. He would take whatever Riley was willing to give him, especially since it was probably his only chance of touching and looking at his friend in such an intimate way.
"Oh fuck," Riley cried out, as he splayed open his long muscular legs, offering his hard cock to Graham's attentions. "Oh God, you know what you're doing," Riley choked out as his friend's hands started stroking and squeezing. "Don't stop Gray, just don't stop." He muttered.
At Riley's pleasure, a smile played about Graham's lips. As his friend mumbled a litany of "don't stops", Graham lowered his head and licked the shaft from the bottom up, dipping his tongue into the head, eliciting more breathy moans from the man on the bed. Riley's small gasps of pleasure played havoc with Graham's arousal - his dick was now throbbing painfully. He reached out a hand to his own crotch and rubbed gently, trying to find some sort of release, but not wanting to cum just yet. He then wrapped his lips around the head of Riley's cock and sucked gently, before engulfing the shaft in his mouth and then slowly sliding it out, before creating a steady rhythm, taking Riley nearer to the edge. The blonde was whimpering and moaning, his head thrashing from side to side, his hips trying to thrust up to get more of Graham's mouth. The brunette's hands stopped what they were doing and took a hold of Riley's hips, preventing him from moving. The noises Ri was making no longer made any sense, but Graham was sure he heard his name just as Riley came.
Lightheaded from the feeling of having his best-friend and long time crush coming in his mouth, Graham licked the softening member clean and then looked up to his friend's face, ready to kiss him for all he was worth. "Oh Ri, that was..." He began, leaning his head against Riley's thigh, as he stroked himself through his own jeans. He was so hard. He suddenly stopped talking as he realized Riley was out cold. He had fallen into a drunken sleep and was now snoring.
Graham briefly tasted his friend again, as he nervously licked his lips, finally realizing all the implications of what had just happened. Graham's smile fell and he sighed. "Guess he was really drunk." He tenderly brushed hair from Riley's forehead, before rolling him onto his side and tucking him under the covers. "God help me, he's going to hate me." Graham whispered, as he quickly gathered his own clothes and stumbled from the room.
****End flashback
That first night had been the beginning of what Graham had called "their relationship". One thing the brunette had learned the next day was that Riley didn't plan on telling anyone about their involvement, but he sure as hell planned to stay involved with Graham. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Graham knew that the way Riley treated him was wrong. He ordered him around when they were alone, treated him as a friend or even less of a friend when they were out with others and the simple fact that he was still seeing Buffy and wouldn't tell anyone about their love affair should have clued him into the fact that Riley didn't love him. Yet Graham still kept hoping that one day, Riley could come to love him. So he endured, waiting for that day.
"Mmm, Graham, so good my boy."
Riley's moan brought Graham back to the present.
"I'm coming. Oh yeah, I'm coming Graham, make me cum my boy. Yeeeah, you're so good. Ah! Yeah! Good boy! Swallow it all. Yeah, take it. God!" Riley kept moaning as he came inside Graham’s mouth. The other man swallowed every bit of his friend's cum and finally licked the soft penis clean.
"Good boy." Riley said once more, as he patted Graham's head and walked to the bed. He sat on the edge and looked at the other man, still on the floor. "Come sit on the bed Graham."
The other man did as he was told.
"Good." Riley smirked, as he leaned against the headboard. "Why don't you sit on your heels, huh? Legs spread, show me your beautiful dick, Gray." Riley leered.
Graham took position and started caressing his thighs. He knew Riley liked having a show. Slowly and suggestively, Graham's hands wandered up his thighs, gently playing with his pubic curls, before moving upwards, caressing his torso.
"Good boy. Touch yourself, touch that beautiful dick of yours for me. Yeah, take it in your hand, stroke it gently. Good Graham, so good. You're so hot." Riley commented, trying to keep himself from sounding annoyed. He didn't like to watch Graham touching himself, didn't like what he felt when he saw his friend's naked body splayed out before him, but it was the only way. The only way to keep Graham from realizing that this 'relationship' they had was onesided. "Move your other hand lower, yeah, that's it. Touch that beautiful hole of yours. Don't stop stroking your dick. Good."
Graham shivered as he listened to his friend's comments. He kept hoping Riley would touch him, kiss him, fuck him, but he knew his friend wasn't ready yet. Riley still had a long way to go before he admitted to himself that he was gay, Graham understood and he would wait. He had no problems with waiting, but he still hoped Riley would finally touch him. For now, though, he would take what Riley gave him, and if touching himself was turning Riley on, then so be it, Graham would keep touching himself.
"Come on Graham, yeah, fuck yourself. That's it, finger that tight little hole of yours."
Graham moaned as he pushed his fingers inside his hole and started thrusting them in and out, his other hand still stroking his cock. He was so close.
"That's it Graham. Yeah. Cum, cum for me." Riley sighed inwardly. Hopefully, Graham would do as he was told so that Riley could get dressed and leave. Buffy was waiting for him.
Graham shuddered, as he felt his orgasm building up and ripping through him. "Oh God, Riley!" He moaned,as he shook with release. Finally spent, he fell on the bed, at Riley's side. He wrapped one arm around his friend's torso and, finding enough courage, he kissed Riley's shoulder.
Feeling Graham's arm around him, Riley knew this was going too far. He jumped as Graham's lips came into contact with his shoulder. He sat up, disentangling himself from the loose embrace and reached for his pants.
Graham forced himself not to sigh in disappointment, but he couldn't keep himself from saying: "Riley? I think... I think we need to talk."
"Talk about what Gray? We've got nothing to talk about." Riley answered putting his shirt back on and not even bothering to turn back to face his friend. "I'm going to see Buffy. We're going to the Bronze tonight, don't wait up for me." He said coldly, just as he pulled on his shoes and left the room, slamming the door shut.
***
"Agent Miller," The lawyer's voice echoed through the silence that had fallen after Graham's story. "I understand this was your relationship with the defendant before the events charged against him actually happened, am I correct?"
Graham nodded, gulping nervously. "Yes."
"Agent Miller, did you not state to this court and for the record, just now, that you are 'gay'?" The captain's eyes bore through Graham's skin, making him even more nervous than he already was. He needed to get a grip on himself, or he would fall apart. Which was exactly what Riley's lawyer wanted him to do.
"Yes." He finally answered, licking his lips. He knew what this admission would cost him. At best, he'd get an honorable discharge and would be able to go on with his life, though this life wouldn't be much after he left the military. At worst though, he could even end up in prison for admitting such a thing.
"Then, by your own admission, you stand in direct violation of the principles you swore to uphold. You have engaged in acts expressly prohibited by the military code of conduct. And yet you expect this court to accept your 'word' concerning the guilt of one of your fellow officers? Just what is your word worth, Agent Miller?"
Graham closed his eyes against the guilt that swept through him and the anger that came with it, threatening to explode. When he opened his eyes again, he looked to Xander, who sat in the courtroom supporting him without words, for assistance. The young marine took a deep breath and looked at the lawyer, who stood smirking, his eyes cold and expressing such glee for what looked like Graham's downfall.
"I have no more questions, Sir." The lawyer sat back down beside Riley, who leaned over to congratulate him.
"Very well, Captain Kawk." The senior judge said, after pausing to allow his two fellow officers serving on the three-judge panel to ask questions. They chose not to do so at this time. "The witness is yours Captain Halliway."
"Thank you, Colonel." Graham's lawyer said as he stood up, his eyes reflecting unmentionable anger at Riley's lawyer.
"Agent Miller, Graham," Captain Halliway began. "You explained to us in great detail your relationship with special agent Riley Finn, from the moment you started having an intimate relationship. Could you tell us what Riley Finn was to you, before then?" His voice stayed calmed and controlled.
"We were friends, sir. Had been since we first signed up in the military. We met the first day of boot camp." Graham answered, trying to not stutter.
"All right, so you and Special Agent Finn were close friends?"
"The best, Sir, yes."
The lawyer nodded, pacing slightly. "So, do you believe that special agent Finn played on that friendship to make you submit to him, for his pleasure, and his alone?"
Not really knowing where his lawyer was going with this question, Graham had no choice but to nod. "I believe so, Sir. Yes."
"Agent Miller, could you explain to us, with as much detail as you can, what happened that night, on the 30th of July 2000?" Captain Halliway stopped pacing, having finally asked the question he knew would be hard for Graham to answer. But it needed to be answered for this court to hear.
Graham's heart stopped for a moment. He had known this question would come, but was he ready to face the memories? The nightmares that still plagued him, waking him in the middle of the night, screaming for Riley to stop, to let him go...
"Agent Miller," The Colonel's voice brought him back from his memories. "We are waiting, agent Miller."
Graham nodded as he looked up. "Sorry Sir."
"Please, answer the question."
With another nod, Graham took a deep breath and started. "I was at a bar with a friend, we were having a beer..."
****Flashback
"You know Graham, you really should leave him. He's just hurting you. Every time I see you, you're even more down than the time before. He's a jerk if he can't realize how great a person you are, and I'm not saying that cause I'm interested, cause not really my... huh... interest," Yeah, keep telling yourself that Xander, the brunette thought as he took another gulp of his beer. "but still, he's treating you like shit, bossing you around and everything. Just stop seeing him. I think it's the wisest thing to do."
"It's not that easy." Graham's voice was broken with pain. He didn't know how to deal with Riley anymore. "I... I can't just walk away, we live in the same house, our rooms are side by side, he'd still come to me, and... I've tried, but... I can't... can't say no."
Xander looked thoughtful. "Yeah, I know how that goes. My girlfriend's not much better. She's no good for me and I know it, I'm not happy with her, but still, when she comes to my apartment and just takes off her clothes... who am I to say no? She thinks sex resolves everything. Well, it might make me shut up for a while, but it sure as hell doesn't make everything better." He shook his head. "What I meant to say is, don't look at me for a good example or something. I'm as screwed up as you are. Or probably less, but anyway... That guy is no good, at least Anya cares if I..." he blushed and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry buddy, I think I'll shut up, or I might end up saying something of the 'not good' variety."
Graham looked at him. "You never say anything of that particular variety, trust me."
Xander gave him his signature silly grin. "But I babble."
Graham chuckled. "That you do, but under all that babbling is the truth, just with nice words to... make it nicer."
Xander conceded. "True. But sometimes, I'd prefer not to be the one dealing out harsh truths, especially when they hurt my friends. Which by the way, now include you."
Graham smiled and looked down. "Thanks Xan. And you're right, he's no good for me. I'll... put an end to all this tonight. It's done. I'm tired of waiting. He'll never be..."
Suddenly, the door of the bar swung open and an angry voice roared. "Fucking hell, Graham! Get your ass out here, now!"
Graham's head shot up and he turned to the owner of the voice. "Fuck," he swore, as he realized who it was.
Xander had also turned around and kept his eyes on the advancing man, not recognizing that it was Riley, until he reached them, hauling Graham to his feet. "Riley, what's wrong?" Xander asked, suddenly scared.
"You fuck off, Harris, this is between me and Miller here, mind your own business. Come on Graham, fun time's over." Riley glared at Xander and pushed Graham before him.
As they exited the bar, Graham could feel his stomach tighten. Riley really wasn't in a good mood. "What's going on Ri?" He tried, hoping to calm his friend with his calm, soothing tone.
"You fucking shut up bitch. Everything that's happened is all your fucking fault, so you'll shut up and do as I ask, is that clear?" Riley roared, as he pushed Graham into the car. He made sure the door could only be opened from the outside, and walked to the driver's side, not waiting for an answer.
"Riley, this isn't like you. You should calm down. We could talk..." Graham tried again, an overwhelming fear sweeping through him. He was trapped, in his friend's car. Correction, his very angry friend's car.
"That's all you fucking ever want to do! Talk!" Riley interrupted his so-called friend. "You want to fucking talk! Well, I'll show you talking, you just wait and see Miller. This is going to be a long night for you, you're so going to get it." He finished, muttering under his breath. Graham could feel the anger pouring out of his friend and he stopped trying to talk Riley out of it, afraid that he might aggravate the situation more. Graham could only hope for his friend to relax.
Riley drove like a maniac back to the frat house, almost scraping two cars while he parked his. Finally, he stormed out of the car and hauled Graham out of the passenger's seat. "You'll see bitch. All your fucking fault. Everything. You're gonna pay for this." He kept muttering as they entered the quiet house. All the guys were either out, or already asleep at this time of night, which made Graham more scared. No one would hear him if... not with the soundproofing in all the rooms...
"Riley, just stop for a moment, explain what the problem is. I might be able to help, just... please, stop dragging me, I can walk..."
That's when the first blow hit. Right across his jaw, leaving a red trace on his cheek. The sound of the hand coming into contact with Graham's skin, resonated in the empty lobby. Riley pushed Graham up the stairs again. "You wanna know what the problem is?" Riley hissed. "You're my fucking problem Miller. Before you came into the fucking picture, I was happy, see? You brought this all down on me. You and your fucking mouth."
Riley kept a hand firmly grasping Graham's arm, as he fumbled for his keys and unlocked the door. Seeing an opportunity to escape, Graham punched Riley's arm to free his own, but Riley was faster than he had thought. Just as the door opened, the blonde man turned and punched Graham in the face, sending him to the floor. "Now you will fucking listen to me?" Riley snarled as he leaned over his friend's already bruised form. "You do as I say, and it might not hurt... much." He lifted Graham to his feet and pushed him into the room, locking the door behind him. "Lean over the edge of the bed, NOW." Riley yelled, pulling and pushing again.
Graham could do nothing. He felt completely trapped. He couldn't escape Riley's orders. It was as if he was trained to do as he was told which, he realized a bit too late, he probably was.
Riley ripped Graham's clothes apart, harshly, as he fumbled for his belt. "You fucking stay there, piece of shit. Don't move, you hear me?"
Graham couldn't do or say anything, he felt paralyzed, helpless. Tears started streaming down his face as he felt Riley's belt come crashing down on his lower back. He cried out in pain. "Don't! Please Riley, stop."
"You haven't seen the worst of it yet Miller." Riley fumbled with his zipper, an arm around Graham to prevent him from moving. "Feel how hard you make me, little slut, huh? You wanna know what happened tonight, piece of shit? Was in bed with my girlfriend, but the fucking thing wouldn't get hard. That's all your fucking fault, Miller. You put some mojo on me and now I can't fucking get it up for anyone else. Is that what you fucking wanted, bitch? You brought this on yourself. Now, since I can't fuck my girlfriend's pussy, I'm gonna have to make do with yours, don't you think that's fair? Yeah, thought so."
Graham whimpered. "Not like this, Riley, please, don't... not like this."
"You're SO going to get it, fucking bitch. I'm gonna fuck that virgin pussy of yours. Gonna open you up all nice." Riley pushed Graham's ass cheeks open and aligned his cock to the hole there. "Feel that, slut." He grunted, as he pushed his cock all the way in with one thrust, ripping the tender tissue. "That's it, gonna make you all wet, Miller."
Graham screamed as loud as his lungs allowed him to, as the searing pain of Riley's penetration kicked in. He tried to push back, to get Riley off him, but his strength had left him. He couldn't do much of anything but sob. "No! Riley! Stop! Please, it hurts, fuck it hurts Ri. Please, oh please, stop." Graham's legs gave way beneath him and he felt himself falling to the floor. His eyes were closed tightly and he tried to shut down all other sounds. Tried not to hear Riley's moans of pleasure, as he kept on pounding into Graham's bloodied asshole.
****End flashback
"Everything is blurred from then on," Graham continued, taking a deep breath, fighting against the tears that already covered his cheeks. "I think I heard screaming... from outside the room, but I... I just... I wasn't all there... It hurt less that way."
The courtroom was silent once again, everyone staring at Graham, their eyes reflecting his pain. Captain Halliway stood up from his chair and approached his client once more.
"Graham, I know this is hard for you, but I have one more question. How did you escape the assault?" The lawyer asked, gently.
Graham looked up at the audience, where Xander was sitting. "My friend, Alexander Harris, and a few of the other marines from the frat house, busted into the room and somehow took Riley off me. Then Xander... uh, Alexander, wrapped me in a blanket and took me out of the house."
The lawyer nodded. "I have no further questions Sir."
The colonel and the two lieutenant-colonels nodded together. "Witness is dismissed. The court will adjourn until 1 o'clock this afternoon." The colonel said, standing up. Everyone stood up and waited for the judges to leave, as Riley was once again manacled and taken over by two marines, heavily armed. Riley kept glaring at Graham as he was hauled out of the courtroom.
Graham finally walked out of the witness box, as almost everyone had left the room.
"You did well, Graham. That shocked them all. I am pleased to say things are looking good for us." His lawyer said, as he shook his hand.
Graham nodded and looked past Captain Halliway at Xander, who was still standing in the alley, waiting for Graham to join him. "I must... go, Sir, if you..."
Halliway nodded. "Nah, it's ok, enjoy your lunch as much as you can. This afternoon promises to be hell."
Xander wrapped his arm around Graham's shoulder and together they walked out of the room, right into Buffy, Willow and Giles, who were waiting for them.
Buffy was in tears. "I'm so sorry, Graham. I..."
"Not your fault." Was the only thing the young man could answer. He felt weak and vulnerable, and wasn't quite ready to face them all yet.
"But... if I hadn't..."
"Buffy." Giles stopped her, squeezing her shoulder lightly.
"Sorry." The slayer looked down.
"If there's anything we can do, just let us know, all right?" Giles said gently, looking back at Graham.
The young man nodded, but Xander spoke first. "I'm gonna take him out for a bit. There's a quiet place in the park just five minutes from here. I'll take him there. He'll be able to eat and then rest until court starts again."
The three others nodded, stepping out of the way, as Xander led Graham out of the building. Just hold on, Gray, Xander thought. Everything's gonna be fine from now on, I promise you that, he swore. He couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud.
****
Xander helped Graham to his feet. "Are you going to be ok?" He asked gently.
Graham nodded nervously. "I'll be all right, thanks Xan... for everything. I feel much more relaxed now. This place is so... calm."
"Yeah, this is paradise compared to that awful courtroom." The young brunette said, looking around the park, his hands in his pocket and his foot taping the ground nervously. "We still have a few more minutes if you want..."
Graham shook his head. "I need to talk to my lawyer, it's... procedure."
Xander nodded, biting his bottom lip. "Yeah, ok. Come on, we'd better get going." He was feeling incredibly nervous as he was suppose to testify that afternoon.
"It's gonna be all right Xan. Just remember what Captain Halliway told you. Facts and truth." Graham said as they walked back to the courtroom, trying not to let his own fears to the surface.
Xander looked at his friend and smiled akwardly. "Yeah, I know. I just hope I don't start babbling incoherently. Happens often you know."
Graham chuckled. "Yeah, I noticed, but just answer the questions clearly and you'll be fine."
"Yeah, I know what your lawyer's gonna ask me, but I have no idea what that bastard's gonna ask me though." Xander shook his head. "That's what I'm afraid of. He's so... I don't know what word to use, but what he said to you, that was downright mean and nasty."
Graham felt something stir up in his stomach at Xander's words and repressed the need to smile by replying: "That's the military Xan. And he was right, by stating I was gay, I did go against the Military Code of conduct." Graham sighed. "I've been in the military for 6 years, it was my life. I thought that maybe I could... I know article 125 by heart Xander. 'Any person subject to this chapter who engages in unnatural carnal copulation with another person of the same or opposite sex or with an animal is guilty of sodomy. Penetration, however slight, is sufficient to complete the offense. Any person found guilty of sodomy shall be punished as court-martial may direct.'"
Xander stopped walking, looking at Graham incredulously. "This is insane. And I thought America was 'open' to that sort of thing."
Graham shook his head. "It is, to a certain extent, but not in the military. The perfect all American boys are not supposed to have such unnatural behaviour, they set the example... or so they say. The thing is, when I was sworn in, I knew about that article, but... no matter how many sexual encounters I've had since I've become a marine, penetration was never a part of it." Graham finished, looking down, he could feel his cheek burning, but somehow, he felt comfortable enough around Xander to have this conversation.
"You mean you..." Xander shook his head and then looked straight before him, his eyes cold with rage. "The fucking bastard." He growled and then turned back to Graham, calming himself down. "God, I'm nervous. But I won't break down, I promise you that."
Graham nodded and smiled lightly at his friend. "You know, Captain Kawk is more likely to ask you embarrassing questions about your sex life."
Xander frowned. "Huh?"
"You're my friend, and I said as much, he'll automatically think you're gay too and he'll play with that." Graham sighed.
Xander grinned. "Let him try, Gray, he won't get me."
Graham smiled back at him and entered the building, going directly to the room where he knew he would find his lawyer.
Xander walked back into the courtroom and sat beside Giles, who squeezed his shoulder in support.
****
"The court calls Alexander LaVelle Harris to the witness stand."
Xander stood up, taking a deep breath, and walked to the box. After the necessary swearing of telling the truth and only the truth, he finally sat and waited for the lawyers to attack him with questions.
"The witness is yours Captain Halliway." Colonel White said, as he looked up from his files.
"Thank you Sir." Graham's lawyer stood up and looked at Xander, smiling lightly. "Mr. Harris, what is your relationship with Agent Miller?"
"We're friends, Sir, have been for three months."
"How did you meet him?"
****Flashback
Xander sat at the bar, sipping his beer. Anya had come around again that evening. Little round of sex and then she had left. She got what she came for, I guess, Xander thought as he looked up to see a man sitting beside him.
"Hi," The man said, waving sadly at Xander. "Name's Graham, mind if I sit?"
"No, go on, you look even more depressed than me."
"Yeah. Rough day."
"Problem with the loved one?" Xander asked, recognizing the signs.
"How did you know?"
"Luck, I guess." Xander shrugged. "Having problems of that kind myself."
Graham nodded, ordering a beer.
"Name's Xander, by the way."
****End flashback
"We kept meeting at the same bar, two or three times a week." Xander continued.
The lawyer nodded. "Mr. Harris, where were you on the night of the 30th of July 2000?"
Xander looked straight at Graham and took a deep breath. "I was at that same bar, with Graham."
"So, you were WITH Graham that night?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Did you know, at the time, that Riley was Graham's boyfriend?"
"No Sir, I knew Graham had a boyfriend, but I didn't know who he was. Graham wouldn't say."
"After Riley came to the bar and Graham followed him, what did you do?"
"I... I was shocked, at first I couldn't move..."
****Flashback
"Hey, Xander," Andy, the barman, shook Xander's shoulder. "That guy look pretty pissed, you sure Graham'll be all right?"
Xander shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. Finally everything clicked into place. "No, he's not." Xander finally said, grabbing his coat and running out of the bar. Riley had already taken off, but Xander somehow knew where he would go. The brunette ran to his car and started the engine. The ride to Lowell house seemed to take forever. Xander tried not to panic, but there had been something in Riley's eyes that sent shivers through his body at the memory.
"Come on, we're almost there." He muttered. He quickly parked his car next to Riley's and ran to the frat house. The door was locked. "Dammit!" He yelled, kicking and punching at the door, trying to get it to open. "Open up! Open the fuck up!!"
"Hey!" Someone opened the door, just as Xander was about to land another punch. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"No time for explanations. Where's Riley Finn's room? Quick!"
"Second floor, last room on the right. What do you think you're doing?" The guy yelled back, as Xander ran up the stairs. "Fuck!" He swore and followed the other young man.
Xander ran all the way down the hall to Riley's room, he could hear muffled sounds from behind the door, but couldn't make out what they were saying. He tried to open it, but no chance. "Figures..." He muttered. "Riley, open the damn door!" Xander yelled, banging on the door.
"Hey! Stay away from..." The other guy started, but a loud scream came from inside, interrupting whatever he'd been about to say. "What the hell is going on?"
Xander kicked on the door with as much force as he could manage. "One of your friends, and mine for that matter, is being assaulted by Riley Finn, inside this damn room! Now, you're gonna try to help me or not?" Xander yelled back, panting.
"Fuck!"
"Hey, what's with the noise Walt?" Another guy poked his head out of his room.
"Get over here Tyler, Finn's gone off his rocker, messing one of us up. Who the hell's in there with him?" Walter asked, looking back at Xander.
"Graham Miller. Now help me open this goddamn door?" Xander growled back at Tyler.
Tyler looked at the door and at the two men and finally came to help. Muffled screams of pain still drifted to their ears and a third man joined them.
"We're not gonna open this fucking door." Walter, said, panting.
"Damn military," Xander muttered, the three guys turning to face him. "What? You think I don't know who you are? I work with the slayer guys, think again. Now, you're the ones with the weapons and the strength, how the hell are we gonna open this?"
Tyler shook his head. "We need to blow up the handle, or the whole door, but there's a high risk that it might... hurt one of them."
"But what's the other solution, we stay here and wait till Riley is done? What are the odds that Graham will still be alive at that point?" Xander was starting to feel incredibly helpless. "Come on, do it. It's better to have them hurt slightly than to have to collect Graham's body. I saw Riley, he was in fury. Nothing will stop him."
Walter and Tyler nodded, the third guy having already left to get a gun.
"There guys," He said as he came back. "That should do it."
"Yeah, you do it Fred." Tyler nodded to his friend, all of them stepping out of the way.
Just after the gun fired, Xander kicked the door opened and stopped dead in his tracks.
****End flashback
"There was blood everywhere, on the bed, on the floor. Graham was... he was... leaning over the edge of the bed, whimpering and he kept saying stuff like: no, stop, don't... I saw Riley leaning over him and he was... God, it was horrible, he was raping him and hitting him. He kept calling Graham 'bitch' and other stuff like that. I... I froze. The other three guys reacted rapidly, but it was a bit like slow motion for me. They grabbed Riley and pulled him off Graham, who just fell on the floor. He looked so broken. I... I grabbed a blanket from the bed and wrapped it over him. I don't think he recognized me at first. I made sure the other guys had Riley restrained and then I took Graham out." Xander stopped. Emotionally drained.
Captain Halliway looked thoughful, then he looked back at Xander. "What did you do after that, Mr. Harris?"
Xander took a deep breath. "I took him to my car. He had trouble walking and just plain staying on his feet so I had to support almost all of him. I helped him lie down on the back seat and then I decided to head to the hospital. He was still bleeding and... well, I didn't know what else to do, so I took him to the emergency room."
"Very good Mr. Harris. I have no more questions, Colonel." Captain Halliway said, looking at the senior judge.
Colonel White nodded. "Witness is yours, Captain Kawk."
The lawyer stood up and walked to Xander, a feral grin on his face. "Mr. Harris, are you gay?"
Xander's eyes opened wide. Ok, Graham had told him this question would come, but... so fast? He shook his head. "No, Sir."
"Objection Colonel." Captain Halliway said, just as Xander answered. "I don't see what interest this court has in knowing the witness' sexual orientation. He is not a marine, therefore not subject to our laws and code of conduct."
Colonel White sighed. "Objection sustained. Captain Kawk, please reformulate your question."
Riley's lawyer glared at Captain Halliway, but nodded. "Mr. Harris, have you ever had any sexual encounter with a man before?"
"Objection Colonel..."
"Sustained. Captain Kawk, please reformulate your question again."
Glaring back at Graham's lawyer again, Captain Kawk tried one last time. "Mr. Harris, are you or are you not Agent Miller's current boyfriend?"
"No, I am not, Sir." Xander answered straight away, somehow, he knew Riley's lawyer would get his answer one way or another, it was easier to say no now, than to wait for him to stop asking.
"Then please explain to us what your relationship with Agent Miller is."
"We're friends, good friends."
"Mr. Harris, when you first met Agent Miller, were you aware that he was gay?"
What kind of question is that? Xander thought, frowning. "Not right away Sir, I didn't know."
"Did you know special agent Finn before, Mr. Harris?"
Ok, Xander thought again, he's playing rebound, why won't his questions make sense? "Yes, Sir."
"You knew him before you met Agent Miller, am I correct?"
"Yes, Sir."
"How would you qualify your relationship with Special Agent Finn, Mr. Harris?"
"He was my best friend's boyfriend, that's it Sir. We weren't close friends, we just... knew each other." Xander answered.
Riley's lawyer smiled. "Ah! What's your best friend's name, Mr. Harris?"
"Buffy Anne Summers, Sir." Xander answered, trying to keep his calm.
"A woman, Mr. Harris?"
"Yes, Sir."
"And she was Riley Finn's girlfriend?"
"Yes, Sir, for about 6 months."
"All right, Mr. Harris. So you're saying that this man, who I must state has several years of faultless service, had a girlfriend, but still went to Agent Miller for sexual pleasure?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Before the alleged rape, had you seen special Agent Finn with Agent Miller, Mr. Harris?"
"Once or twice, Sir, but never... in a sexual way." Xander answered, trying to not start babbling, which was sounding so tempting. "I knew they were friends."
"Then, how can you say what you saw was rape, Mr. Harris? You had no knowledge or proof of their relationship before that day, so on what do you base your assumption that what was going on was actually rape?" Captain Kawk glared at Xander as he asked the question, making the brunette squirm.
"I know what I saw, Sir. There was blood on the floor, on the bed, on Riley and on Graham. Riley had his dick up Graham's ass and he kept saying something about 'showing that damn bitch'. Also, Sir, Graham was sobbing, whimpering and crying for Riley to stop, not to do it. He pleaded. There was no doubt as to what was going on, Sir."
The lawyer shook his head. "I have no more questions, Colonel." He said, going back to his seat, looking a bit defeated in Xander's eyes. That was good.
"Witness dismissed. Mr. Harris, you can go back to your seat."
Xander stood up and walked back to his place, at Giles' side. He glanced at Graham on the way back and smiled shyly. Graham smiled back, happy that Xander had gone through the whole process without so much as a flinch.
"Captain Halliway, you can call your next witness." Colonel White said, as soon as Xander had sat down.
"The prosecution call Doctor Mercer to the witness stand, Colonel."
****
"The pictures were so gross!" Buffy exclaimed, shuddering.
"Yeah and the way the doctor explained everything in details, had me nauseated." Willow replied.
"Indeed." Giles said simply, taking off his glasses. "Xander? Are you all right?"
The four of them were waiting outside the building for Graham to come out. The afternoon had been hell, as pictures of Graham's mutilated body were shown and the doctor explained the injuries and how they had been caused. It had been hard on all of them, especially Graham. After the court had been adjourned until the next morning, the marine had stayed behind, to talk with his lawyer.
"Yes, I'll be ok." Xander answered. "I'm... a bit shaken. I mean... I saw most of these injuries for real, but... I didn't know... God, how much it must have hurt." He sighed, passing a hand through his hair. "I'll be better once Graham is here. Even more so when Riley's finally behind bars and not to be seen for at least the next century or so."
"You know, Xander, odds are he might... not be punished for his actions." Giles said, sitting down beside the younger man. "This is the US military Xander. Graham, just by being gay and saying it to the whole court and for the record, is also 'punishable'."
Xander nodded. "I know, Graham told me earlier. But... They have so much evidence of what happened, so many people saw it, testified against Riley. I mean, even Captain Kawk was down at the end."
Giles smiled. "You're right, they do have evidence and proof. Though that doesn't change the possible consequences for Graham, it almost ensures that Riley will serve time."
Silence fell on the group as they pondered on what would happen the next day. "It's Riley's turn tomorrow." Willow stated, matter-of-factly.
"Yeah." Xander replied, taking his best-friend's hand in his. She and Buffy had both been approached by Riley's lawyer to testify for him, but they had refused categorically.
"Hey." Graham said, as he approached them.
They turned at once and smiled. "Hey Gray, are you ok?"
The marine smiled lightly at Xander. "Yeah, I'm good. Can... can we go now?"
Xander nodded. "See you tomorrow girls... and Giles. Thanks for keeping me company." He said as he stood up.
"Thanks for just being here." Graham whispered.
Willow and Buffy nodded, hugging him gently, while Giles shook his hand. "It is no hardship Graham, we're here for you."
Finally the two young men left the court.
****
"I can't believe that woman." Willow shook her head.
"Wills, you've been saying the same thing since yesterday." Buffy wrapped her arm around her friend's shoulders.
"I know, but it's true, I just... what she said..." Willow took a high pitched voice: "Riley Finn is an amazing young man. His years of service as special agent are spotless. He's always been a calm and reserved young man, ready to help his fellow officers and soldiers. He's resourceful and a great asset to his group. In no circumstances has he lost his temper..." Willow shook her head. "She was SO full of..."
"Willow!" Xander exclaimed, interrupting his friend.
"Oops." Willow blushed deeply and looked down. "But she was."
"You're right. Though, she doesn't know Riley if she thinks that of him." Buffy said to Willow, as they walked toward the court building.
"She was right, in a way." Graham whispered, talking for the first time that morning. "He... he was like that when he was on service."
Buffy shook her head. "Maybe, but that's when he was on service. We all know the military was the only thing he ever cared about. But socially, in the real world, he lost his temper over nothing." She took a deep breath. "He... he hit me."
Graham looked at her sharply. "He what?" He exclaimed as they all stopped walking.
"That... that night, I... I told him it was ok, that we didn't have to... you know." Buffy blushed. "He punched me on the jaw. One good punch, right here." She caressed her face, just below her left cheek. "I told him that being violent wouldn't help his problem and he hit me again, on the same spot. So I snapped. Yelled at him to get out of my house and out of my life. That if he wasn't able to control himself, then I didn't want to ever see him again." Shaking her head, Buffy looked back at Graham. "I'm so sorry, I feel... so bad for snapping at him, if I hadn't... then maybe..."
Graham shook his head and squeezed her shoulder. "Like I already said, not your fault, at all."
Buffy nodded. "But..."
"You remember that psychiatrist?" Willow said, out of the blue, to change the subject, as they all started walking again.
Xander smiled. "Yeah, they thought she'd help their cause, but it ended up going against them."
"Quite." Giles smiled. "Her analysis of Riley's mind and temper was so accurate. It was frightening."
"He was blinded by his education. He couldn't face the fact that he might be attracted to a man." Xander whispered wrapping his arm around Graham. "Even more so, he couldn't face the fact that he WAS attracted to a man, but not to a woman. His sexuality was the problem. What he loved about you Buff was that you personified his ideal of the perfect girlfriend. Sorry, I know it must hurt, but it's the truth."
Buffy looked at him and smiled sadly. "Yeah, it hurts, but not as much as it hurt Graham."
"What amazes me," Giles said, polishing his glasses. "Is that Xander remembers every word of that trial, but never could remember his school lessons."
Everyone chuckled, as Giles opened the Judicial building's door and held it for his young friends.
"That was a low blow, G-man." Xander said, punching Giles' arm playfully.
"Ah! Perhaps, Xander, but it was also quite accurate. And I believe I already asked you, a few years ago, not to call me that."
Graham laughed, still smiling as he parted from them to find his lawyer.
"All right, everyone, time for the verdict." Xander said rubbing his hands nervously, as they entered the courtroom.
****
"All rise."
Everyone stood up as the panel of judges entered the room, right after Riley had been brought in, still manacled.
Colonel White sat down, the two lieutenant-colonels doing the same. "Special Agent Riley Finn," The senior judge stated without preliminaries. "By order of this court, you are found guilty of violating the Military Code of Conduct in the following manners: you engaged in unnatural acts of a sexual nature with one Agent Graham Miller, you struck a fellow officier, namely Agent Miller, you sexually assaulted said Agent Miller and sodomized him, causing severe physical and emotional damage. Though the physical damage you inflicted on Agent Miller will heal, the emotional trauma of your actions will be with Agent Miller for the rest of his life. What you did is unforgivable in front of the law. You are sentenced to 7 years of imprisonment beginning today, September 12, 2000. You will lose all civil rights and military benefits. You are from this moment forth, dishonorably discharged from the US military."
With a loud thump, Riley sank on his chair, taking his head in his hands.
Xander cheered silently. He knew Buffy, Willow and Giles were having the same reaction. The judges' verdict made him feel lightheaded. Riley would be punished.
"Agent Graham Miller," Colonel White continued. "You engaged in conduct unbecoming an officer, violating article 125 of the Military Code of Conduct by stating your sexual preferences and engaging in unnatural carnal acts. However, in light of the extenuating circumstances surrounding your admission, it is my duty to alleviate your sentence. You are from this moment forth honourably discharged from the US military and will retain all military benefits due to an officer of your rank. I wish you luck for the future Mr. Miller. This case is closed. Court dismissed."
Everyone waited for the judges to leave the room before yelling their joy. Xander jumped to his feet and enfolded Graham in bear hug. "It's done Gray." He whispered in his ear.
They could hear Captain Kawk, faintly, as he said something about taking the case into appeal, but neither listened.
Graham felt tears on his cheeks as he hugged Xander back, he couldn't remember ever being so relieved in his life. "Thank you Xan. Thanks for supporting me all the way."
Xander suddenly realized the hug had gone on for long enough. He gently disentengled himself from Graham's embrace, blushing slightly. "Always Graham, always."
****
"What do you want to do tonight?" Xander asked, as they entered what was soon to become their apartment, after having had dinner with the gang, in celebration. He closed the door, mentally noting that they needed to talk with the landlord the following day, and dropping his key on the table. "Want to celebrate some more?"
Graham smiled, but shook his head. "I don't really feel like going out, I'm... not ready yet. I mean... dinner was ok, but..." Sitting on the couch, he looked pleadingly at Xander, as if asking his friend to understand.
"Hey, it's ok." The brunette replied, sitting beside the ex-marine on the couch. "You're not ready to face the masses I understand that. We could rent a movie? Grab some beer and popcorn..."
Graham smiled, his eyes lighting up. "You know Xander, you're probably the best friend I've ever had."
Xander blushed. "Well, I just want to cheer you up you know. The trial was hard on you, you need to relax."
"What movie do you want to rent then?" Graham asked.
"Oh, I was thinking old sci-fi movies. War of the Worlds or Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman, or even Plan 9 From Outer Space. You ok with that?"
"Sure, I'd love to."
"Great, I'll go get them. I'll grab the beer and the popcorn on the way back, you want anything else?" Xander asked, standing up and grabbing his coat, the night was a bit chilly.
"Nah, it's ok, you go. I'll... take a shower." Having said that, Graham stood up and watched as Xander waved back at him and left. He headed for the bathroom, feeling dirty and sick. Sure the trial was over, but the healing process had only begun, and the young man still had a long way to go.
****
"Graham? Where are you?" Xander asked, as he dropped the beer and popcorn on the kitchen counter and threw the movies on the couch. He walked into the empty living room, suddenly scared. "Gray?"
"... in the ...room, Xan..." A sobbing voice drifted to Xander's ears and he followed it to the bathroom, where he found his friend, sitting on the floor, a bathrobe covering his otherwise naked frame.
"Hey," Xander gently kneeled at his sobbing friend's side. "What's going on?"
"I'm so dirty Xan, I can't get clean." Graham managed to say, as tears covered his cheeks. He wasn't one to cry, but somehow, he couldn't stop himself. "Make me clean? Please Xan, clean me."
Xander didn't know what to do. He stared open mouthed at Graham, as the words sank in. "Oh my God, Graham." He carefully took his friend in his arms and gently rocked him. "It's ok, Gray. You're not dirty, you're beautiful. Shhhh." And he kept rocking until Graham's sobs subsided.
Blushing slightly, the ex-marine disentangled himself from Xander's embrace and dried his tears. "I'm sorry Xan, I... I don't know what..."
"Hey, you're dealing Gray, what happened to you, it won't go away just because Riley's in prison." Xander took his friend's hands in his own. "I'm not good at doing the caretaker thing, but I'll do my best for you. Want me to call that psychiatrist your lawyer talked about?" He asked, standing up and helping Graham do the same.
The ex-marine nodded. "Yeah, I guess... that'd be a good thing."
"Now, how about we start that movie huh? I'll grab the beer, you set the video."
****
Xander stopped the car in front of the building. "This is it." He said to Graham. "You're sure you'll be ok?"
Graham nodded. "It'll be fine."
"Yeah, but it's your first appointement and I'm..."
"Feeling a bit overprotective?" Graham finished the sentence for him.
"Yeah." Xander admitted, looking down. "Just... you call me when you're done, I'll be at Buffy's."
"Sure." The ex-marine nodded, exiting the car and closing the door behind himself. He walked to the building and opened the door.
****
"Graham Miller?" A young woman called from the waiting room door.
The ex-marine stood up and walked to her. "Hi."
"Hi, please come in." She smiled, leading Graham to her office and stepping aside to let him pass. "I'm doctor Elena. Why don't you take a seat?"
Graham smiled as he sat on a nearby futon. It was more comfortable-looking than the chair.
"So, I've read your files... the ones sent over by your lawyer," The psychologist commented.
"Ah," Graham murmured.
"What brings you to therapy, Graham?" Elena asked, her voice calm.
Graham's heart sped up at her question. Did he really have to tell her everything? "I'm... I'm not sure I can..."
"We'll come back to that in a few minutes," She said, giving him a soothing smile. "Do you have any idea how therapy works?"
Graham shook his head, too nervous to even crack a joke about shrinks.
"First off," Eleanor began, "We'll talk about what brought you in today. Afterwards, we'll discuss diagnoses and treatment options. However, talking is an important part of the entire process."
"Ok," He replied numbly, rubbing his eyes.
"So, what do you do for a living?" Elena inquired, hoping to find an entrance into their discussion that wouldn't elicit an anxiety attack.
"I've... I was a marine." Graham started then paused. "But... I'm gay."
"Not uncommon," Eleanor commented.
"I guess," Graham replied. "But there are... rules. I got an honourable discharge because I stated in court that I was gay."
Eleanor didn't say a word. She waited a few more minutes for Graham to continue, but as he kept silent, she asked gently: "Why were you in court?"
"I... I... I was..." Graham he couldn't bring himself to say it. His breath started coming in short gasps.
"Take a deep breath, Graham," Eleanor ordered softly, waiting for him to calm down.
Graham nodded. He forced himself to take slow, even breaths, wiping his hands on his pants, but didn't say a word. A few more minutes passed and Eleanor remained silent, patiently waiting for Graham to be ready. The young man clenched his fists, trying not to break down. "I was raped," Graham said hoarsely and then took a deep breath, avoiding the doctor’s eyes and continued, "By a friend, another marine."
The rest of the hour was spent with Graham talking and Eleanor listening. After the difficult first minutes, the ex-marine could feel himself opening up to the young psychologist, trust building up between them as he poured his heart into her ears.By the time the hour was up, Graham's throat hurt and Eleanor was a bit pale in the face. The ex-Marine was impressed at how well she kept her composure, considering all that he'd said.
"Well, that was very good," Eleanor commented, closing her notebook. "Would you like to talk about treatment now?"
"Alright," Graham agreed. He felt better than he'd thought he would. At least he wasn't in the fetal position on the floor.
"From the symptoms you've described to me, I would say you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD. It isn't an uncommon problem within military personnel, although the incident behind your case is somewhat out of the ordinary," She said. "PTSD arises from a very stressful or traumatic incident, such as a rape. You've been experiencing anxiety, depression, compulsive behavior, and nightmares, all of which are symptoms of PTSD."
"So I'm broken," Graham muttered dryly.
"Not at all," Eleanor retorted. "Therapy can help you work through this, Graham. Unless you're opposed to it, I would recommend that you be screened by a psychiatrist for medication. An antidepressant combined with an anxiolytic or anti-anxiety medication would be of great benefit to you. They would help decrease the feelings of depression, some of your compulsive bathing, and the anxiety attacks. With those symptoms under control, therapy will be even more effective."
"Ok."
"As for therapy, I'd like to see you twice a week," She continued. "During our sessions, we'll focus on changing your thoughts and behaviors so that you don't suffer from the PTSD. It won't always be easy, but by the time we're through, you'll feel much better."
Graham nodded and stood to leave.
"Oh, one other thing," Eleanor said, stopping his retreat. "You indicated in your file that you'd like for me to speak to your friend, Xander, about helping out. Could you have him call me to set up an appointment?"
Another nod and Graham left.
****
Xander was waiting in the car outside the building, when Graham was finished. The ex-marine sat in the passenger's seat and smiled.
"I take it, it went ok?" Xander asked, smiling back.
Graham nodded. "She'll help." Was all he said as they made their way back to their apartment.
****
"You're the one taking care of him," Dr. Tompson stated, looking at Xander. He was sitting on the futon, in the exact same posture that Graham had taken the first day.
"I try my best," Xander chuckled nervously. "But I'm a carpenter, not a care-taker. Sometimes, it's hard to know how to react to some things."
"What kind of things?"
"He... he takes at least two or three showers a day, every so often as many as five. And it’s probably even a lot more, since I work during the day. And most of the time, I find him sobbing, sitting on the floor of the bathroom, saying stuff like: 'I'm so dirty, can't get clean.'" Xander clenched his fists. "Sometimes, he won't even let me get near him."
Dr. Tompson winced. "Most rape victims react that way. They can still feel the hands of their agressors on their bodies, touching them, taking away their innocence, soiling their bodies in ways no dirt can. It's not easy for them to learn to love their bodies again after such an event."
"Yeah," Xander said simply. "I just don't know what to say. Once, the first time, he even asked ME to clean him. But... I don't understand what he wants me to do." He looked pleadingly at the doctor.
Elena smiled encouragingly. "Exactly what you’ve been doing, for now, it's already a lot for Graham. Most rape victims don't have a friend like you to lean on." She crossed her legs and continued. "You've been with him since the first day, you've seen what happened to him. And yet, you aren't running away. That means a lot for Graham; it gives him hope."
"Hope of what?" Xander asked, curious.
"Hope that there's still people out there that care for him. He wasn't just raped by anybody, Xander. That man was his best friend, the best friend he ever had. That hurts in ways no one can really understand. To be betrayed by someone you care so much for. Yet, there you are, his friend, taking care of him, holding him when the weight is too much for him."
Xander looked down blushing. "He's one of the best friend's I've ever had. Somehow... I feel like it's my duty to do it. Not that I'm forced, but that... since I saw what happened, I can... understand him better than most of the others. I wouldn't... I wouldn't trust any of my close friends to take care of him."
Elena smiled knowingly. "You've become attached to him."
Xander blushed even more. "Maybe..." He wiped his hands on his pants and ran a hand through his hair. "I... when we first met, I sorta... I dunno, started liking him a lot. But... it was so new, you know... and then, that happened and it sorta... put everything on hold. But now..."
"You're with him everyday, you know him better than anyone would ever know him. You know his deepest fears, his joys."
"Yeah, and I want him to laugh all the time. When I see him cry..." Xander put a hand to his heart. "It hurts here. And I just want to make it better, but... I know it's too fast. I can't... I've never... Hell, what I want to say is, I've never thought about... that option."
Dr. Tompson looked at the clock, stood up and then looked back at Xander. "I think you know what he meant when he asked you to make him clean again, Xander. However, he's not ready yet and neither are you. But you need to keep your eyes opened. One day, he'll need you to show him that he's still beautiful... For the moment, the only thing you can do is be there for him."
Xander nodded, as he stood up fidgeting nervously on his feet. "You're probably right... uh... I'm thinking I might need... mmm... a psychologist myself... maybe I can come see you, huh... sometime?"
Elena smiled. "It would be my pleasure. Now, Graham's waiting for you."
"Yeah, thanks Elena." And with that, Xander left.
****
"Here we are." Xander said, as he stopped the car in front of the building. "You'll be..."
"Yes, Xander, I'll be fine." Graham smiled as he got out of the car. "You ask me that everytime."
Xander chuckled. "It's becoming tradition."
Graham laughed lightly and shook his head. "Bye Xan, I'll call you when I'm done." He smiled and closed the car door as Xander waved and started the engine.
The ex-marine walked up the stairs into the building and made his way to Dr Tompson's office.
****
Elena sat down on her chair and smiled at Graham, who was now lying down on his back on the futon, his head turned on the side so he could look at the young psychologist. "How's Xander doing?" She asked out of the blue, watching closely for Graham's reaction. As she had anticipated, the young man blushed and looked away
Graham twisted his hands together and answered, his voice wavering: "He's great."
Elena smiled knowingly. "And you, how do you feel?"
The ex-marine looked at her and smiled nervously. "I'm good. Confused, scared, but doing better." He answered, gracefully swinging his legs over the edge of the futon as he sat up.
Elena nodded, noticing Graham's reticence. "Have you thought about your feelings for him?"
The young man closed his eyes, as he remembered their last session. The psychologist had asked Graham what he felt for Xander – really – and when he'd been unable to answer clearly, she had asked him to think about it, that the answer might be important for him.
And now, as Dr. Tompson was asking the question again, even though indirectly, something was telling Graham that she already knew what his answer would be. "He's part of the reason why I'm scared and confused." Graham's voice wavered as he spoke. His hands clenching the soft mattress of the futon. "I'm so fucking scared."
Elena tried to meet his eyes, but he wouldn't open them to look at her. "Scared of what, Graham?" She prodded gently, after he'd kept silent for a few minutes.
"Myself. These..." He stopped to take a deep breath. "The feelings I have. It scares me, because I'm not supposed to feel this way about Xander. It's wrong. Like I'm... like I'm taking advantage of him. I... I did what you asked me to and I thought... a lot... But now, I'm... I'm scared shitless." He finally looked at Elena, his eyes reflecting his words. "I'm... I think... I'm not sure, but I think... I might be falling for him. And I'm not suppose to be feeling this way... because... because..." Twisting his hands together, he looked away. "I fall for my friends. It's like pathological with me and I've never acted on it before, always walked away. Partly because I was gay and in the military, but I didn't want to lose them. Lose what we had... and the one time," Graham swallowed past the lump in his throat, his eyes burning with unshed tears. "The one time I stayed and tried... well, we all know how well that turned out. I don't... I don't want to lose Xander." He took several deep breaths, trying to get a hold of himself before he started sobbing. "I'm not supposed to fall for him." Graham continued after a few minutes, his voice hoarse and low. "And... and maybe I'm not falling for... maybe I feel this way because he takes care of me and not because it's him. And that would be so unfair to him and I'm so fucking confused, because it's not clear why I feel what I feel and I'm trying not to feel like this, so hard, and... He's not even gay." He finally stopped, whispering the last more for himself than for the doctor.
"You're scared because you're confused about why you have feelings for Xander," Elena summed up, stoically.
Graham nodded. "I don't... know... I'm not supposed to feel like this. Not more than friends."
"Graham why don't you think you're worthy of feeling more? What did you do that could make you not worthy of falling in love?" Elena said. "Remember what we talked about last week. When you have thoughts like this, you have to tell yourself to stop... to just stop thinking that way. You know it's not true; you are worthy of love." When Graham didn't say anything, she continued. "Your heart feels for Xander and you know it, but you're trying to rationalize it, make it not real, to push it away. At the same time, you don't want to push it too far, because Xander is so important to you right now." Elena looked pensive. "Why are you trying to 'not' feel that way? Why is it that you're punishing yourself?"
Graham's eyes were cast on the floor. "He's not gay. I don't... don't want to push him into something... and," his voice became but a whisper, "I might get hurt."
"You're afraid Xander will hurt you?"
Graham's head shot up as if she'd said something unbelievable. "No! He wouldn't... he'd never... he's so careful. With everything he says, or does... he's always afraid that he'll hurt me. He'd never hurt me... at least not intentionally."
"Ah." Elena nodded. "Then why are you afraid you might get hurt?" She asked, repeating his own words.
Graham shook his head. "It's not... I don't know. The only thing I'm really sure of is that Xander would never hurt me. Intentionally." He sighed, gripping his head in his hands. "But, I'm still scared."
"You need to talk to Xander about your feelings." Elena said in a firm voice.
Graham looked up sharply. "I can't! What if he hates me afterwards?"
"Why would he hate you Graham? He knows you, he's been through all this with you, he's always been there for you to lean on when you needed him. He'll understand."
"But what if he doesn't... love me that way?"
"Graham, even if he doesn't love you like you do him, it will never change the fact that he is your friend. Talking to him about how you feel will help you."
"Do I really have to?"
"You don't have to do everything I ask you to, Graham. I will never force you to do something with which you're not comfortable. But you are here so that I can help you, and talking to Xander about the way you feel for him WILL help you. If only to understand what you really feel."
Graham sighed. "I guess I have no choice then."
Elena shook her head gently. "You always have a choice Graham, always. You're the one making the final decision here. I'm not saying you absolutely have to talk to him tonight, just that you should do it when you think the timing is right."
Graham nodded and looked at his watch. He was about to stand up when Elena stopped him.
"Wait a few more minutes, all right? I wanted to talk to you about the appeal."
Graham grimaced and took his head in his hands, waiting.
****
"Gray? Wanna go out tonight?" Xander asked as he pushed the frozen pizza in the oven later that evening.
Graham walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, still towelling his hair. "I... maybe. You wanna go somewhere?" He sat down at the table, trying to act casual, even if he knew that Xander wasn't clueless as to how many showers he'd taken that day.
"I was thinking of going to the Bronze. Buffy and Willow will be there." Xander replied, sitting on the chair across from Graham. "I thought I'd ask if you wanted to come with." He's still not ready, Xander thought, as he eyed his friend's reaction.
Graham took a deep breath and thought about it. "Sure, I'll go." He stood up again, nervous.
"Hey, if you don't want to go, it's ok, I'm not pushing." Xander tried to calm his friend down.
"No." Graham shook his head. "I want to go. I mean, it's time. I feel up to it. Maybe... maybe I should just... take a shower..." He added, before realizing how stupid it sounded.
Xander looked at him, concerned. "Gray, that would be your fifth shower today, nevermind the fact that your hair's still wet from the last one." Xander stood up and gently laid his hand on Graham's shoulder, withdrawing as he felt the ex-marine wince at his touch. "What's going on? You're... back to square one. I thought... all these months and seeing Elena, you were doing better."
Graham sat back on his chair, closing his eyes and taking his head in his hands.
"Is that appeal stuff getting to you?" Xander asked, kneeling before his friend and trying to make Graham look at him.
"It's in a week Xan." Graham whispered, still averting his friend's eyes. He understood Xander's concern, but still, to have to go through all of it again... it was frightening.
"Hey, you know what Captain Halliway and Elena told you." Xander said, lifting Graham's chin until their eyes met. "You don't have to go. They're not trying to question the judges' verdict. They're only trying to alleviate Riley's sentence by showing evidence of mental illness and something about illicit drugs in his system... kinda like after Walsh died." Xander gently brushed his fingers over Graham's left cheek. "They know he's guilty, Gray. Riley knows what he did and he won't try deny it like he did at the trial. The only thing is that they can't understand how he could act that way."
Graham nodded. "I know. Something was wrong."
"Yes." Xander blushed as he realized just how close to Graham he was. He gently took his hands away and sat on his heels. "They did some tests and found out about the drugs. They'll use that, and the doctor that told them about it, to alleviate the sentence, but that won't change the verdict."
"But..." Graham felt his stomach tighten. "What if he gets out of jail? Just because of that?"
Xander shook his head. "I'm sure he won't, Gray. I'm sure he won't." The young man repeated, reassuring both himself and his friend. "The judge said it; what he did to you is unforgivable, no matter what Riley's going to say or do."
"But they're trying..."
"Gray, they'll be trying, true. They want Riley to still have a life when he gets out, which is understandable. Maybe not something we want, but the fact that Riley's acknowledging his actions is a step in the right direction, don't you think?" Xander waited for a moment, but Graham didn't move or say a word. "Look, Gray, you can't hide in here forever, taking showers every three hours. You need to go out, see people. Live." Xander laid his hands on his friend's. "Don't let yourself waste away because of him, Graham. You're alive. Beautiful and healthy. Here."
The intensity of Xander's words made Graham shiver. Beautiful, he said I was beautiful, he thought before finally looking up. "You're right. When are we leaving?"
Xander smiled and stood up. "As soon as we've eaten something. The pizza should be ready in a few minutes." He said, as he looked in the oven. He was feeling a bit embarrassed at his outburst, but it had had the effect he wanted. Graham was smiling. Xander shook his head at his discomfort. He had been talking with Elena every week about redefining his identity. It was hard to think of himself as something other than totally heterosexual and to realize that women didn't attract him as much as they used to. But Xander had finally acknowledged the intensity of what he felt for Graham and that had helped. It had slowly become easier.
Graham stood up. "I'll set the table. Smells good."
Xander closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "Pizza." He said, in a pleased tone, eliciting a chuckle from Graham.
They prepared their dinner in silence. Punctuated by awkward moments when one of them anticipated the other's request without words, as if they'd been doing this for years. Graham couldn't help thinking that they fit well together, before shaking his head. He had promised himself that he wouldn't start thinking of Xander that way. The brunette was his best friend, and Graham didn't want that to change, especially now that he needed him so much.
"Will you go?" Graham whispered.
Xander turned away from the oven. "Um?"
"To... to the court for the appeal, will you go?" Graham asked, looking down, his hands in his pocket. He looked so vulnerable worrying his lip between his teeth as he waited for Xander's answer.
Xander's heart skipped a beat at the sight. "If you want me to, I'll go." He answered, walking to Graham's side. "Do you want me to?"
Graham nodded. "It'd... make me feel better to know that..." He felt stupid as he asked and couldn't bring himself to say more.
"Someone's making sure he's not getting out?" Xander finished looking serious.
Graham nodded again, looking up directly into Xander's eyes. For a moment, they stayed there, not moving, their eyes locked together. Xander shivered at the intensity of Graham's gaze and felt himself blush as his heart started to beat faster. Shyly, he lowered his head and looked down. "Better look at that pizza." Xander muttered as he walked by Graham to look at their dinner.
"Yeah." Graham mumbled a bit dumbfounded. It sounded a bit crazy, but Graham had been sure he'd seen 'that' look in Xander's... Nah, it was stupid... Xander couldn't feel that way... not after everything that happened. The ex-marine shook his head at the thought and finished setting the table, still a bit shocked.
****
Xander and Graham walked back to their apartment in silence. After what had just happened, Xander didn't know what to say. He had seen the way Graham had jumped when the young man at the bar had touched his shoulder.
Xander closed the door of the apartment behind them and shed his coat, as Graham walked into the living room and sat on the couch.
"Gray?" Xander asked gently, as he watched Graham withdraw into himself on the couch. "What is it? Did something bother you?"
Graham shook his head, still looking down. Even he wasn't fooled by his answer.
"Then what is it?" Xander asked again, even more gently, as he sat beside his friend and placed his hand on Graham's own hand. He just knew something was bothering Graham and it was more than only the fact that the appeal was only a week away.
"Really, it's not that..." Graham started, slowly, before giving in. "I was scared, but not of him, his touch. It was... the way he looked at me. I just... When I saw his eyes, it was like... I saw Riley there and I... I sank back into... whatever I was with him." He sighed, twisting his hands. "It's like, I'm trapped by what he taught me. Always being submissive... always his pleasure, never mine. It's what I've been trained for, and when I caught his eyes, I realized something... what if I never... what if I can't stop being like..." He stopped not able to go on. "But I'm not ready to try and see." Graham finished, whispering, careful not to look at Xander.
"I'm no psychologist," Xander started, gently. "But, I think you'd be able to overcome that. With someone who really cared for you, loved you. If you were being forced into another relationship, then you'd go back to being submissive, but otherwise, with someone you love and who loves you in return, you'd be all right." The brunette tried to sound comforting.
Graham nodded slowly. "I think that's the reason I... reacted as I did, back at the club." Graham whispered. "The guy, he... he just sat there and leered at me. I didn't know who he was and I got scared and then he touched me... And I could feel myself retreating... just like I use to do with... and then I panicked."
Xander wrapped his arm around Graham's shoulder, relieved that the other man didn't push him away as he had feared. "I understand Gray, it's ok." He whispered soothingly.
For a moment, they both stayed silent, Xander rocking his friend as he debated whether or not to tell Graham about the way he felt. No matter if he was scared shitless of his own feelings, he couldn't deny the jealousy and then the protectiveness that had surged through him when he had seen the guy at the club, sitting so close to Graham and then touching him. Xander couldn't push the feelings away anymore; he had done so for more than ten months now, ever since that night neither of them liked to talk about, but it was time to let go of the fear. Taking a deep breath, Xander lowered his head on Graham's shoulder and tightened his hold. "Gray, I think... I think I need to tell you something..."
Graham waited patiently, pressing further into his friend's embrace, feeling safe for the first time in months. His stomach tightened in anticipation.
"I'm... I think... I'm falling in love with you." Xander whispered turning to face Graham and holding his gaze, even when the temptation was so strong to look down.
Speechless, the ex-marine didn't know what to say, or do. He shook his head, trying to process what Xander had just told him. "I... are... what... are you sure?" Graham finally asked, his heart pounding in his chest. Xander was falling in love with him. Xander loved him. HIM. He loved Graham. With a child's awe, the older man stared at the brunette.
"Yes. I... I want to be with you all the time, make sure you're alright and that you have everything you need, I want to go out with you, laugh with you, hang out with you... I want you around me all the time. But..." Xander sighed. "I'm scared. I've never... shit, Gray, I'm just scared."
Graham took one look at Xander's face before changing their position and gathering the younger man in his arms, gently. "I know... I know. I'm scared shitless too, but just to know... it's... it feels SO good Xander." He whispered in Xander's ear, a wonderful warming feeling sweeping through him at the feel of Xander's body pressed against his own. It felt right.
Xander shivered under Graham's touch. He snuggled closer into the tight embrace and let himself be held. Graham was right, it felt wonderful. "It's scary. To find myself falling in love with a man. Especially you." Xander whispered back, closing his eyes.
"Why so?" Graham asked, gently running his hands up and down Xander's back, trying to soothe Xander like Xander had soothed him so many times.
Xander turned his head just enough to be staring in the other man's eyes. "I don't want to hurt you. You've been hurt so much. I'm so inexperienced and I can be so stupid sometimes, what if I mess everything up?"
Graham's breath caught in his throat. "Oh, baby." He gasped, tightening his hold on the other man. "You won't ever hurt me. And you're not ..." The ex-marine was about to keep on talking when he heard Xander's chuckle. "What is it?" He asked, dumbfounded.
Xander smiled and gave Graham a quick kiss on the cheek, that seemed to linger on, burning. "Nothing. Just that no one's ever called me baby before. Well, except my parents when I was a toddler that is."
Graham laughed lightly at that. "Well, I think it fits you, not in the 'you're still a toddler' kind of way, but in the 'you're so hot baby' way." Graham blushed furiously as he just realised what he'd said. "What I meant was..."
Xander silenced him, pressing a finger to the other man's lips. "I know what you meant. It's ok. You're hot too." He blushed, but didn't look away. If he was going to give this relationship a try, then he was going to face his own feelings. However embarrassing they might be at the moment. Xander let his hand fall away from Graham's mouth, trailing tentative fingers over the man's sculpted jaw.
Graham chuckled, his breath tickling across Xander's fingers and looked into Xander's eyes. They fell silent. For what seemed like an eternity, they stayed there, watching each other's eyes, each other's soul. Unable to stop himself, Graham closed his eyes and leaned in, pressing his lips to Xander's. The kiss was chaste, their lips barely brushed against each other's. Tentative, yet oh so sweet.
Xander pulled away still staring at Graham. His tongue ran over his bottom lip before he cleared his throat. "We'll take this slow. For both of us. Ok?"
Graham nodded, still feeling Xander's lips on his. "Yeah. We both got lots to learn." He said gently, as he laid his head on Xander's shoulder.
Xander smiled. "Yeah."
For a while neither of them moved, just revelling in the feel of having the other in their arms. Soon though, it was time to move. Xander gently untangled himself from Graham's embrace and stood up. "It's late. I'd best go to bed. I'm working in 7 hours." He yawned, as he helped Graham to his feet.
Graham kept Xander's hand in his own and gently brushed his tumb over the back. "Sleep tight Xan." He murmured leaning in and chastly kissing the other man.
As Graham gently let go of his hand and walked to his room, Xander could feel his heart flutter. A dopey smile stretched his lips and he shook his head. God, he was becoming a real sap. Love can do that to you, he thought, turning around and heading to his own room. Love... yup, definitely love.
****
Xander opened the door of the apartment. He was just now back from the court, having first listened to the judge's new decision about Riley and then talked with Graham's lawyer for a long time. He knew Graham had been waiting for him to come back sooner, but Xander had really wanted as much precision as he could gather on how the appeal worked, before coming back to his boyfriend. He knew Graham would have some questions and he wanted to be able to answer them.
His boyfriend. The thought made Xander smile. He deposited the small package he was holding on the table beside the door and walked into the appartment, looking around at the empty living room. "Graham?" He called out gently. Somehow, he knew Graham wouldn't be waiting for him but would rather be either taking a shower, or hiding.
Noting that the shower wasn't on and the bathroom door was open, showing no one was inside, Xander began a silent search through the apartment, trying to find Graham.
"Graham?" Xander asked softly as he entered Graham's bedroom.
"In here." Came the muffled reply.
Xander frowned, figuring out where the sounds had come from then turned to open Graham's closet door. "Hey, what are you doing in there?"
"Hiding." Graham answered, matter-of-factly, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. He was curled in on himself, arms wrapped around his knees, his head resting on them. He was scared and looked like he had been crying.
"I see that." Xander smiled gently.
"Hide with me?" Graham asked Xander, with a pleading look.
Xander's heart melted and he threw some shoes and boots out of the closet to make some room. Without a word, he sat on the floor and closed the door.
As soon as blackness returned, Graham leaned his head on Xander's shoulder and tried to get as close to the other man as possible. Taking the hint, Xander wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's shivering body and hugged him close. "Why are we hiding?" He whispered so very gently in Graham's ear.
Graham stayed silent for a long while, trying to understand his own fears so Xander could understand them too. "I... I love the dark. It's quiet. The dreams, they don't come in here and I... I can't see."
Xander closed his eyes seeking strength and kissed Graham's forehead. "What is it you don't want to see, just the dreams?"
Graham shook his head against Xander's shoulder and muttered almost inaudibly: "I'm dirty, ugly. Don't want to see me."
Xander could feel the tears threatening to gather in his eyes and he tenderly stroked his hands up and down Graham's back. "You're not dirty, you're all clean, beautiful." He whispered, as he felt Graham's shivers slowly leave the ex-marine's body.
"I'm beautiful?" Graham asked, his voice hoarse with emotion.
"Yes. Want me to show you?" Xander asked, as he remembered what Elena had told him all those months ago. He, at least, was ready, Now was the time to find out if Graham was, too.
Graham smiled shyly, even though Xander couldn't see. "Yes." He whispered. He really meant it. He wanted Xander to show him he was still beautiful. Maybe he would cleanse him.
Xander held his arms around Graham's waist. "Under one condition,"
p>Graham stiffened at Xander's casually voiced words; Riley used to give him ultimatums and orders in the same friendly tone. Graham's blue eyes peered up at the other man warily, his white teeth digging nervously into his lower lip.Xander frowned when Graham seemed to shrink in on himself. He wondered what had happened, but then realized what he'd just said. He gently squeezed Grahams' hip as what he said sank in. God! Sometimes he was so stupid.
"God, Graham no. Not like that. I would never do that to you. Never. I meant that, it's a two way thing for me. I show you how beautiful you are and I... I want..." Xander took a deep breath. "I want my boyfriend to show me how beautiful I am too."
Graham's breath caught in his throat and he closed his eyes, several tears broke free from beneath his closed eyelids, trailing wetly down his face. "Xan... boyfriend?"
"Yes." Xander answered, his own voice hoarse with unshed tears. "Boyfriend. I want to scream it at the top of my lungs for everyone to hear. I want to tell Willow and Buffy and Giles, I want to tell the world, Graham. With me, you won't ever have to hide, never again. You're my love, my life, my everything."
Graham took a deep breath, trying not to start sobbing in... relief, happiness, he wasn't really sure. But it still felt so good to hear Xander say those things to him. "Xander?"
"Yeah?"
"You're the most beautiful man I've ever known. And not just physically."
Xander smiled in the dark closet. "Then show me?"
Graham gently untangled himself from Xander's embrace and stood up, careful not to hit his head, helping Xander to his feet. "I'll show you anytime you want me to."
"Xan? What... what happened to... at..." Graham tried to ask, as Xander hugged him close again.
Xander took Graham's hand in his and tangled their fingers together. "He's still doing the seven years, that hasn't changed. Only... he gets to do them in a mental institution instead of a prison."
"Why?"
"He asked for it. He knew something was wrong. He even confessed to hurting Buffy that same night. He said he needed help controlling his bursts of anger and that the prison wouldn't be 'it'." Xander stopped for a moment, remembering Riley's face, as he stood in front of the judges. "He had a black eye, and according to Captain Halliway, it's the remnants of a fight. Well, more like he got beaten up a few weeks back." He took a deep breath. "Anyway, the judges said that Riley was still going to serve his seven years, not one day less, but they agreed to send Riley to a mental institution. Especially after Captain Kawk showed them some evidence of instability. I wasn't really following at that point though. I think Captain Kawk said something about the drugs and how it had affected Riley's mentality. The doctor... you know the one that told them about the drugs? Well, he came and admitted to having been experimenting with new drugs on Riley before the incident. Without Riley having any knowledge of it." Xander stopped for a second before continuing. "Riley never tried to deny what he did, he took full responsibility for it. He's just trying to get help controlling himself so he'll never hurt anybody else."
Graham leaned against Xander's shoulder. "Good." He said simply, holding on to Xander as a boat would his anchor.
Xander gently untangled himself from Graham's embrace, taking the other man's hands in his own. "Come on, Gray, lets get out of this closet together, ok?" Xander said gently, as he opened the door. He felt Graham take a deep breath just as the light from the bedroom started invading the closet. They both stepped out, hand in hand. Ready to face their fears. Not alone. Together.
"No more hiding?" Xander asked gently.
Graham shook his head, blushing. "You... you'll do what you said you would?"
Xander grinned. "Oh, I will. Tonight, tomorrow, next week, in ten years. I'll show you just how beautiful you are to me." He stopped, thinking about the package he left on the table by the door. "Give me just a second to get something and I'll be right here with you. Ok?" Xander asked, before leaning in and gently kissing Graham's inviting lips.
The ex-marine nodded, letting Xander go, and turned back to look at the room, brushing over his lips with the tip of his fingers. Smiling tenderly he dimmed the light and sat on the edge of the bed, waiting, but not hiding.
****
Taking a deep breath, Xander retrieved the small package from where he'd dropped it earlier and headed back to Graham's room. He took in the dimmed lights and Graham's form on the bed. For the first time in months the ex-marine seemed relaxed, almost happy. Xander perched on the edge of the bed, beside his still form, twisting the bow in his fingers.
"Um... here's... it's just a little something. And if you don't like it, I understand totally. Kind of a thing. I just... yeah. So open it."
Graham frowned, his gaze flickering wildly between the box and Xander's blushing face, before taking the offered pakage.
"The girl at the jewelry store said it'd be perfect, but you know... it could be too much too fast or something. If it is, I want you to tell me and I'll take it back. Promise. But I just thought..."
"Shhh Xan... hush a second, okay?" Graham pressed his fingers against Xander's lips and smiled.
Xander held his breath, watching as Graham's fingers tugged the knot from a golden bow and lifted the lid. There, nestled amongst an insane amount of blue tissue paper, lay his gift - an ID bracelet, Graham's name emblazoned on the surface. It shone, even in the dim light, but nothing could eclipse the smile on the recipient's face.
"Xander, it's beautiful."
With an answering, although still nervous, smile, Xander flipped the metal trinket over to reveal the surprise. "I had it inscribed...I, um...hope you don't mind. It reads, 'Where there is love there is life.' Everybody can use a reminder now and then, right?"
"Gandhi." Graham said slowly, stunned by his boyfriend's gift. He took the bracelet from Xander's hands and looked at the engraved quote. "Xander, this is beautiful. It's..." He turned to face the other man, tears watering his eyes. "Thank you."
"Hey, don't cry." Xander chuckled, his own eyes watering. "It's nothing. Just a little reminder, yeah? Want me to..." He waved at Graham's wrist.
"Sure." The ex-marine held up his arms and gave the bracelet to Xander.
After fumbling with the clasp for a few seconds, Xander defeated it and slipped the gift over Graham's hand. With a grin, he fastened it, fingertips caressing the metal fondly. "It looks good." He whispered, not taking his eyes off Graham's wrist.
"It's perfect." The other replied, his hand reaching to lift Xander's chin. "Just like you."
Xander blushed deeply and tried to look down.
"No. Please, don't look away. I need... need you to look at me." Graham said, trying to keep eye contact with Xander, it made him more courageous to see his boyfriend's eyes looking at him. He could face everything with Xander at his side. "You're beautiful and perfect. And I... I love you."
Xander's heart caught in his throat. "Graham... I... I..."
Graham smiled gently and brushed the back of his hand over Xander's red and hot cheek. "It's ok, baby, I know." He glanced at the bracelet on his wrist, vowing to himself that it would never leave his arm, ever. "I know." He repeated, leaning in and capturing Xander's lips in a tender kiss.
Their lips lingered for a moment, their breaths ghosting over sensitive flesh. Xander pulled away and backed off the bed, pulling Graham with him. They stood face to face and brought their lips together once more as they held each other, hands lightly resting on arms and hips.
Xander gently moved his hands up and down Graham's arms, caressing them with teasing touches.
Graham chuckled into the kiss and moved his own hands up Xander's back, his fingers tracing circles over the shirt.
Finally breaking apart, Xander opened his eyes and gazed into Graham's. "Can I?" He whispered, as he tentatively placed his hands at the hem of Graham's shirt.
The older man's heart started to beat faster, but the love shining in Xander's eyes calmed him down considerably. Nothing would happen to him tonight that he didn't want; Xander wouldn't hurt him. Graham nodded and helped Xander take his shirt off him before they did the same to the younger man.
Xander gently caressed Grahan from cheek to hip, using just the tips of his fingers. He felt himself harden in expectation, but didn't pay it any attention. His heart started to beat faster as he trailed his eyes back up to looked into Graham's. Xander was amazed at the softness of the other man's skin; Graham was so perfect, so beautiful. With their eyes still locked, Graham took Xander's hand and moved back to the bed, where they lay down face to face.
Graham gently brushed his hand over the younger man's cheek, down to his jaw, before curling his hand around the back of Xander's neck and bringing their lips together once again. Graham broke the contact between their lips and looked down the length of Xander's body. His eyes widened at the sight of Xander's erection straining against the other man's pants. His hands tightened painfully on the back of Xander's neck as their gazes met and held. Realizing what he was doing, he quickly released his grip and licked his lips nervously. Truthfully, he was probably just as hard as Xander, but he couldn't think of that. Graham knew he wasn't ready to consummate his relationship with Xander, not yet. Maybe not for a long time. He just hoped Xander would understand. "Xan, I want... I want to touch you, but I... I can't..." he pulled his hips away from Xander's as he spoke, trying desperately to make him understand.
Xander shushed him with a chaste kiss. "Whatever you want, Graham." He said gently. "When you're ready."
"No sex. I'm not ready yet." Graham whispered more to himself than to Xander.
Xander nodded and smiled tenderly, brushing his fingers over Graham's cheek before cradling his head gently. "You're beautiful Gray. So perfect." He leaned forward as if to kiss Graham again, then smiled, langourously licking his lips, before dropping to press a kiss on Graham's shoulder. Teasing. "Touch, that's what it’s all about." Xander captured Graham's hand in his own and placed it on his hip. "I'm not ready either, not for... that. But I want to learn you, your feel, your smell, your taste. Tonight is not about sex, it's about learning. I'm learning you, you're learning me. That’s all this is about," he whispered, smiling against Graham's skin, before pulling away to look at him. "If that's okay?"
Graham smiled, tenderly pressing his lips against Xander's forehead, his temple, the line of his jaw. He rested there, wondering what he'd done to deserve someone so wonderful in his life. A small sound of appreciation from Xander encouraged him. He trailed his hands over Xander's chest. "You're so soft." He whispered, staring at his lover's hard body.
"So are you, Gray." Xander hands moved of their own accord over Graham's chest. "You're all hard muscles and angles and... it's sorta weird."
Graham chuckled and blushed. "A good weird, right?" He asked, nervously.
Xander smiled brightly and kissed Graham's torso, just over his heart. "A very very good weird. You're beautiful. It's weird because I'm not used to this, but... God you're beautiful."
"You're adorable, Xander." Graham replied, sighing happily and relaxing into Xander's arms, as they wound around his body.
The younger man smiled into Graham's hair, relishing the feel of another muscular chest pressed against his own. Xander cradled his lover's head in the crook of his shoulder and smiled as he felt Graham's heart thumping gently against his skin. Xander felt Graham's erection pressing against his thigh and the sensation settled him. Somehow, he knew Graham really would be ok with this eventually and they would both be able to find their release in each other's arms.
"Xander?" Graham mumbled warmly against the damp skin of Xander's neck.
"Yeah?"
"Aren't we supposed to be touching?" Graham asked, almost chuckling.
"Isn't cuddling good too?" Xander closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of his boyfriend.
"Cuddling is good... cuddling is more than good." Graham sighed happily, burrowing his head into Xander's chest.
The End