January 2002
First of four in the series. Very first fic I've written. Unbetaed.
* * *
I was afraid.
That’s it.
I’m afraid.
I can’t say why, I just know that I’m afraid. Afraid of what ? you would ask me. And I wouldn’t be able to answer to that. I don’t know what I’m afraid of.
Being pulled out of heaven isn’t something easy to cope with. It was so peaceful, so warm ; I felt complete there, as if I had done everything I could and were rewarded for it.
I know you all grieved for me, especially you, but I was so at peace with myself, I just wanted to stay there for ever.
I’m crying now. Tears roll down my face and I feel my heart is being torned. I don’t know why I’m sending this letter to you. I just know that it needed to be done.
I’m not angry at Willow, she did her best. She wanted to be sure I wasn’t suffering and I love her for that. She is always thinking of our wellfare. I think that’s why she wasn’t able to stop doing magic. She was always thinking of us, so she was going the easy way for herself.
I’m not angry at you. Maybe a little for leaving me, but I understand why you did it.
You said that you’d be standing by my side, but that you were standing in the way. That you were the reason that I was standing still, that I wasn’t facing reality.
You were right. But not in the way you think.
I can’t face reality, that’s right. It’s too hard, to difficult to look at. It’s hell here. You know it. And relying on you, it made it feel easier. I can’t be standing up, I’m hiding, I’m not fighting. I can’t feel. No emotions, no love, no happiness, just loss. I’m lost.
I lost peace and I can’t find it back. Do you know where it is ? Peace ? Heaven is peace. I think the way to find peace is to make my own heaven. But I can’t.
I don’t want you to play the father, but I do want you to take my hand. I want you to be here.
You said that you wanted to slay my demons and make it right. You said you wanted to say the right words…
You already did. Say the right words I mean. For the demons, it will take some time, I think.
You see, I did listen to you. I didn’t want to. Honestly. All your words, they hurt me. No… Don’t feel bad about it. They hurt me because they were right. *You* were right. I’m not facing it, I’m not taking my responsabilities. Dawn is under my care not yours… It’s just that putting you in charge would take me away from thinking…
I don’t want to hurt you, I didn’t mean to. I … I care so much for you, it overwhelms me. It makes me act like a total idiot. I feel like a total careless fucking idiot. I hurted you and all the others and I will hurt you more.
I just need to say it… I slept with Spike. I had sex with Spike… It is so disgusting of me. I mean, I wanted to feel something and I thought… In fact, I didn’t think at all. I just… He was the only one that really took care of me then and I just took advantage of his love for me. I never thought…
Did you ever thought that a demon could love ? I mean, Angel could love, but he have a soul and I believed that it was what made him able to love. But Spike really loves me. He is all demon and no heart, but he cares for me. The problem is, I hurted him too. He told me to go away. That if I wasn’t going to love him, he didn’t want me around.
I can’t love him.
I just can’t.
Now I understand. You wanted me to rest at last.
The only place I could rest is in your arms.
I made you play the *in charge man* because it made me think of you as a father, a friend, not…
What I want to say is I don’t know what happened to me, but I don’t see you as a father or a friend or a watcher anymore. You’re a man, and God, it feels so good when you’re near.
I tried not to see you. That’s why I hide. That’s why I pretended that I haven’t heard anything of what you said. That’s why I tried not to hear you, to make you take all the responsabilities, so that you would be and act as a father, so that I wouldn’t need to face my feelings.
I’m afraid.
I’m afraid when you’re not with me.
I’m afraid when you’re with me.
I want to stand tall, but I can’t. When you’re here, I put it all on your shoulders. When you’re not here, I stop functioning.
I want you to stand by my side. Not away, not in the way, just beside me… but it’s not going to happen, because I’m like a daughter to you, and I just hurt you and me and Dawn when I play that part.
Dawn misses you,
Willow misses you,
Xander misses you,
Rupert Giles, I miss you so…
Buffy
***
Giles hadn’t felt the tears straining down his face as he was reading the letter, but when he looked up, his face was soaked. She did listen to him after all.
***
“DAWN !”
“What Buff ? Why are you screaming at me ?”
“Have you seen my letter ?”
“What letter ?”
“The one that was on my desk, that you picked up ?”
“I haven’t touch anything, I swear.”
“Then who did ?”
Buffy was becoming really upset. She never meant for that letter to actually leave her room. Dumb her for writing the adress on the envelop, they probably thought she wanted to send it. Who wouldn’t.
“I don’t know, I swear I didn’t do it ! maybe Willow did.”
“What ? What did I do ?” said Willow as she entered the room.
“Did you pick up the letter that was on my desk ?”
“The one adressed to Giles ?”
“Yes ! Tell me you didn’t send it ! please!”
“I…I…I thought you…you wanted to mail it. I wanted to help and …”
“It’s all right Will. It’s just… When did you mail it ?”
“Euh… five days ago, I think. You didn’t notice before ?”
“No ! I just thought about it now…”
At that moment, the bell rang and the three girls started running for the door. Dawn got there first and…
“Giles !! You’re back !”
Buffy froze. ‘Five days… I hope he didn’t read the letter. Why else would he be here you idiot ?’
“Dawn, I’m glad to see you. How’s your arm ?”
“It’s healing…”
Willow stopped her as she ran into Giles arms.
“I’m so happy you’re here, I’ve missed you so much.”
“Me too Willow, me too.”
Willow disentangled herself from his embrace and she started babbling about everything that had happened since he was last there with Dawn making her own comments once in a while. But he wasn’t listening. He couldn’t keep his eyes from Buffy. She was just standing there, near the staircase, her hairs cut.
“You cut your hair.”
Hearing him, the two other girls stopped and looked at them. Dawn made a sign at Willow and both of them left for the kitchen.
“Well, yes. It was just before I got zapped by the invisibility ray a few days ago. You don’t like it ?”
“No.. I mean yes, it’s lovely.”
“Thanks, we should call the others, they will be happy to know you’re here. How long are you staying ?”
He looked at her strangely and butterflies began to fly in her stomach. She was trying the cold talking again, she just couldn’t help herself when he was near.
“Well, that depends. According to my ticket, I’m heading off in five days, but, it can always be delayed.”
She looked down on the floor. She didn’t seem happy to be there at all. He came near her, slowly. He wanted her to look at him in the eyes, but she just wouldn’t.
“Tea’s ready guys !” Buffy felt relieved ; Dawn sure knew when to make an entrance. ‘Face it Buffy, you feel really strange right now.’ She thought.
“We’re comming ! Dawn makes really fine tea you know, Willow started teaching her to cook after she got her arm broken. She…”
“Since when do you babble ?”
“I’m babbling ? No I’m not ! I mean, I …”
“Guys, I called Xander and Anya” Willow said as they entered the kitchen “they’ll be here any seconds now. They are thrilled that you are here Giles.”
“I’m glad to hear everyone is happy to see me.” As he was saying that, he kept looking at Buffy, but she avoided looking at him.
Soon, Willow and Dawn started to talk again. Anya and Xander arrived and joined the talking with their own subject : the wedding. They went on talking for a long time and after the sun set, Spike arrived and Buffy left with him, saying that they were going on patrol.
After they walked for some time silently, Spike couldn’t stop himself from asking :
“What’s it pet ? Don’t wanna see the watcher do you ?”
“It’s not that, I … forget it.”
“Won’t talk to me then ? S’all right. I don’t bloody care.” He said, clearly annoyed. He might be a demon, but he did care. All the time.
“I want to talk about it, but I… don’t want to hurt anyone. I haven’t been of the caring kind lately, but right now, I don’t know what to think.”
“Then don’t think luv. Just talk.”
They both sat on a picnic table in the park and Buffy stared blanky in front of her.
“I … don’t know what I’m doing… Do you know how many days it takes for a letter to get to England ?”
“Never thought about it.” He answered, curious. “around three days I guest. Why ?”
“Three days, that’s fast. Then he must have read it.” She continued, ignoring his question.
“Who read what, slayer ?” He asked. “Oh, got it. Giles read a letter he wasn’t supose to.”
“Willow sent the letter. I didn’t mean for it to leave my room, but I wrote the adress on the envelop… What an idiot I am !”
“Nope, you’re not an idiot slayer. Just dumb. What did you write about ?”
“Don’t make fun of me. With what I wrote, you’re at the aim of a stake right now.”
“What ? Told him about me did you ?”
“Not only that, Spike.”
Then it all came down in a shot. She told him everything she wrote in her letter and how it made her feel relieved after writing it.
“You should go home now, slayer. You need time to figure this out and it’s not while talking here with me that you will.”
He wasn’t too surprise at her revelations. He had seen it coming. He just kind of hoped… ‘Well, you can’t have everything you want, can you ?’
“I’m sorry Spike. I … Good night.” And she headed off.
She opened the door and started to climbed the stairs when a cough stopped her. She turned around and saw Giles on the couch.
“Did it went well ?” He asked.
“What ? Oh the slaying… No vampire tonight, think they are on strike this week, I haven’t killed or seen any the last three days.”
He laughed lightly and looked at her. She was almost smiling and her arms were crossed.
“I think we need to talk, Buffy.” She turned around, her half-smile completely gone and resumed climbing the stairs.
“I’m going to sleep, we… can talk tomorrow. Good night Giles.” With that, she hurried to her room and slammed the door.
“Good night love.”
***