April 13, 2007
1,650 words
Warning: deals with (canon) character death. Written for Mireille in the minor characters' round at maleslashminis,
as a series of eleven 150 words ficlets. Not beta-ed.
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October 1st, 2004
It wasn't anything fancy. None of them had wanted it to be, really. Just a reminder, something they could sit by, or simply walk by, and be reminded of what they'd lost. Xander needed this, more than any of them could ever know.
He sat down on the bench he'd built, just a few weeks ago, when the memorial had been finished, and delivered. It was just off the path that led to Giles' house from the school.
Xander heard footsteps close by, but didn't turn around, not even when he heard Willow appear behind him, and then sit down next to him. "I never told you this," he said, softly, just barely above a whisper. "I didn't know how, or even just if I could."
Willow didn't say a word. She put her hand on his forearm, and let him speak. Xander had never been so grateful for that.
October 1st, 1996
It happened right after phys ed.
Xander would always remember that moment. It was etched into his mind, one of the few memories of school he had left that weren't tainted by demons or apocalypses.
They were the last ones in the locker room, and Jesse was making a comment about the hotness of one cheerleader or another. Xander wasn't paying attention. "Huh?" he asked, when he realized that Jesse had actually asked him a question and was waiting for an answer.
"Do you wanna hang out after school?"
Didn't they always do that? Weirder still, when Xander turned to him, Jesse looked nervous. "Do you even have to ask?"
Jesse grinned at him, clapping his hands. "Okay, how 'bout pizza? We could rent a movie--"
It didn't occur to Xander until way later that evening that Jesse had just asked him out. You know, on an actual date.
October 1st, 2004
"He said to me, maybe a couple of days later, 'I'm not homo, you know, I just really like you,'" Xander continued, eyes staring straight ahead at the monument, unable to look away from one of the names etched into the stone.
"Maybe he wasn't." Willow's hand moved down Xander's arm, and she squeezed his hand.
Xander shrugged. "Maybe, but we'll never know." He'd kept this secret for so long now, it was hard to say it out loud, to put what memories he still had into words. Most of them were pieces of images, of moments, just bits that sometimes made no sense.
He didn't know why he was telling Willow this, right now, eight years later. Maybe because he didn't want to be the only one who remembered him. Maybe because today, he missed Jesse more than he could remember.
Maybe, though, maybe it was out of guilt.
October 1st, 1996
It was almost nine. Xander remembered that too, because the movie had just ended, and he'd looked at the clock while the credits rolled. What he didn't remember, though, was what movie they'd watched.
Two empty boxes of pizza were on the floor, with a couple, also empty, bottles of Pepsi near, and a bag that had once contained fries. We should clean up, Xander thought, because Mrs. McNally had a thing about tidiness, but Jesse had his arm around Xander's shoulder, and the fingers of his other hand were tracing patterns on Xander's forearm.
It felt--well, freaky, but also nice.
"You okay?" Jesse asked after a while of this.
Xander thought maybe Jesse had been kidnapped by aliens. Or something. There was no way this was happening, except for the part where it was, and Xander--
Xander liked it. He liked it a lot. "Why wouldn't I be?"
October 1st, 2004
"So you spent the past eight years just--thinking it didn't happen? Didn't matter? What?" Willow asked. Her voice was soft and kind, not at all accusing or angry like Xander thought she should.
"No," Xander replied, shaking his head. "I knew it happened, I knew it mattered; or at least, I hoped it did. I just--I just couldn't..."
"Why didn't you say something about it? To me, I mean."
"I was scared?" he ventured, although he still wasn't completely sure that was really the answer, even after all this time. "We were together for just a little over four months before--you know."
She nodded.
"And every day, he would repeat the same thing 'I'm not homo, we're not homo', and then there was my dad." He didn't need to explain that one, he shouldn't have to. Willow knew enough about Anthony Harris to know what Xander meant.
October 1st, 1996
"My father is gonna kill me," Xander whispered, before diving in for another kiss. They were getting pretty good at this, actually. They'd been at it for an hour now, and Xander thought they'd gotten the hang of it. Finally.
"Why?" Jesse pulled away, holding Xander back, and looking at him strangely. Well, more strangely than he'd had all evening. This wasn't the good kind of strange either; this was the 'what the fuck are you talking about, Harris?' kind of strange.
"Jesse..." Xander trailed off, hoping his friend wouldn't need him to spell it out. Making out with a guy, and finding out that you really liked it--especially when said guy was your best friend--that was kind of like having a 'moment', and he really didn't want to start talking about it.
"No, dude, seriously, you're not going to tell him, are you? You can't tell anyone."
October 1st, 2004
"He made me promise," Xander whispered, squeezing Willow's hand in his. His voice was flat, and he knew he probably sounded like a robot, but if he stopped and thought about what he was saying...
He wouldn't say another word. Right now, that wasn't what he wanted to do.
"And I did, I promised to keep it a secret--forever. It would just be between me and him, and no one else would have to know." He sighed. He was shaking. He didn't want to be shaking.
Back then, he'd wanted to tell--someone, anyone, everyone. He was having an epiphany. Sitting--no, laying there, on his best friend's bed, in his best friend's bedroom, with his best friend's parents just one floor down from them, Xander was realizing something big, something profound about himself.
And he was being asked to hide it. To never, ever tell anyone about it.
October 1st, 1996
"Xander, please," Jesse begged, both hands on Xander's shoulders and keeping him from leaning closer for another kiss. "Just say it. If you don't, then we can't do this."
"You're the one who started it!" Xander lashed out, angry now. He couldn't promise this. Jesse had no idea what he was asking him to agree to. This wasn't just about fun, this was about something else entirely. Jesse was missing the point.
"I know, and now I'm saying we should stop." Jesse was worrying his kiss-swollen lip, and it was making him more attractive than Xander thought he had any right to be.
"Okay, okay," Xander said, looking up into Jesse's eyes. "I promise. Can I kiss you now?"
The grin Jesse gave him was worth promising anything. The pressure on Xander's shoulders eased, and he leaned forward, cupping Jesse's cheek in his palm. He pressed their lips together again.
October 1st, 2004
Willow wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close. "He was scared."
"I know he was," Xander replied, leaning his head against her chest. "At least, I know that now. He was having feelings he couldn't understand, or maybe he just didn't want to. Any way we look at it, he just never had the chance to get over it."
"And did you?"
"Yeah." It had taken him years to finally let go, to heal his wounds. He'd had something with Jesse, something special; first love or whatever you wanted to call it. They'd been best friends for years, and then something more, and then...
And then nothing.
It ended abruptly, not giving either of them time to grow into it. And now, every second he was sitting here talking to Willow, every minute he spent with him, it felt like betraying Jesse.
Xander knew he'd get over that too.
October 1st, 1996
"I like this," Xander whispered, slightly dazed. They had a math test tomorrow, second period, but neither of them cared right now.
At some point, Jesse had gotten up and turned off the light, and they were just lying there, side by side, hand on each other's hip and kissing whenever one or the other or both, felt like it. Which was a lot.
Xander was okay now, about not telling anyone. Jesse would come around. They'd grow up, and things would change, and they wouldn't have to deal with homophobic parents anymore. Jesse would change his mind.
What Xander didn't know was that Jesse would never have that chance.
But right then, it felt like they had all the time in the world. Xander might not exactly be very patient, but he could wait. He'd hold his promise, and he'd keep this a secret.
Forever, if he had to.
October 1st, 2004
"You shouldn't feel guilty, Xander," Willow said, standing up and pulling him with her. They stepped closer to the monument, and she traced Jesse's name with her fingers. "He's been dead for almost eight years; he wouldn't have wanted you to mourn him forever."
"I didn't--"
She shook her head. "No, maybe you loved other people, did things with your life. You probably didn't think about him at all, but you still forgot a part of yourself. That promise--well, I don't want to blame all your failed relationships on that, but... you get the point, right?"
"I do." Xander sighed. He remembered that vision the demon had made him see on his wedding day, the feeling of dread that had spread through him because he knew why he'd be miserable in the future.
"He loved you, Xander," Willow said with conviction. "Now it's time to let him go."