July 27, 2002
Thanks to CJ, Kay Tee, and Sarah for the beta work. Birthday present for
AJ and Lissa. Based on a challenge by Sandra D.
* * *
Episode Phases, season two.
Xander opened the library door and walked over to the table, a little nervous.
"Who's there?" Giles was looking in a gun case, trying to work out which way it was supposed to be assembled. He put the parts he was holding down and closed the case before turning towards the intruder. "Oh, it's you Xander. Are you quite all right?" Giles asked, concerned.
Xander shifted nervously on his feet. "I... I'm ok... I... just wanted to tell you, Buffy had to run an errand, so she'll be late uh... gotta go..." He turned around and started to leave. //Why am I so nervous? It's just Giles... G-man, book-man... I feel like my heart's running the marathon...//
"Xander, please wait." Giles hurried to Xander's side and grabbed his arm. "You really seem to have something on your mind... Are you quite sure you don't want to talk about it?" //Why are you so nervous?//
Xander looked at Giles' hand on his arm. "I... need to talk... but I'm... not really sure you're the right person to talk to..." //Not with the thoughts I've been having all day, really not!//
"Well, why don't we sit down and... and you tell me what's bothering you... so much... then we’ll see if I ... I can help you or not." Giles stuttered, smiling encouragingly at the young man. //Get a hold of yourself Rupert, you're acting like a 16 year old...//
Xander followed him to the table and sank into the chair, sighing. Giles sat beside him and waited, looking at the young man, though avoiding his eyes.
"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" Xander asked a little harshly.
Giles shrugged and looked away. //Am I blushing? Oh dear God... I am.//
"Sorry... I didn't mean to sound so harsh... It's just... Larry said something earlier... and it's been bugging me all day... I... really can't talk about it with either of the girls... and I really mean *can't*... and seeing as you are, as weird as this may sound, my only guy friend, I thought... but maybe..." //Maybe I'm bothering you, maybe it wasn't such a good idea...//
"Why don't you just tell me what Larry said... you just said I was your friend... and listening is what friends do." He gently squeezed Xander's shoulder and smiled. It was a happy smile, fed by the thought that Xander considered him a friend and not an authority figure. //It's a big step in the right direction...// He thought. He had promised himself he would never make the boy uncomfortable by revealing his feelings for him, feelings that really weren't of the authority figure variety, unless of course...
Xander was a beautiful young man and his eyes were driving Giles crazy. //Beautiful, laughing chocolate eyes...// Giles had found himself dreaming about those eyes countless times, of all the emotions he wanted to see in them, to awaken. And his lips... those beautiful full lips, that the older man so wanted to kiss right now. He shook his head slightly. //Not going there Rupert... He needs your help, not you lusting after his lips.// Giles blinked, trying to look anywhere but at Xander's lips, which was proving rather difficult, seeing as they were now moving and looking so inviting... The older man tried to concentrate on what the younger man was saying.
"... asking him to tell me his secret... that I knew what he was going through since it had been the same for me once... that I'd been in the same position... He said it was the end of his football career, the end of everything... he... came out to me Giles." Xander said, still clearly in shock.
Giles looked at him dumbly.
"Larry is gay." Xander explained very simply.
"Oh. My." Giles was stunned. He really didn't have a problem with it, he just wasn't expecting it.
"Exactly my point... but that's not really what's been bugging me..." Xander trailed a little embarrassed.
"And what is that?" The older man asked gently.
"Well... after what I said... he kinda assumed I... was too." The young man answered, blushing. "He said that he musta recognized something in me that he didn't wanna believe about himself, so that's why he's been... beating the crap outta me... and he said that knowing I went through the same thing, except that I didn't... and in a way, I didn't really try to deny it... and that's what's really bugging me." He sighed. "I mean... maybe he's right. I've been having these... thoughts about this m- guy and... what if I am? What if Larry really picked up those gay vibes from me?" Xander looked at Giles with pleading eyes.
The Englishman shook himself out of his haze and looked at the young man. He wanted nothing more than to take him into his arms and kiss his beautiful young mouth thoroughly, but he restrained himself. "That's what's been worrying you?" He asked, licking his lips. Xander nodded. "Well..." Giles began, taking off his glasses and polishing them. "the only advice I can give you is to follow your heart no matter where it gets you... I strongly believe the gender of the person doesn't matter, just as long as you're happy and not hurting anyone." He finished, smiling gently.
"So... what you're basically saying is that... it doesn't matter whether it's a guy or not... that I should go see that person I think I'm falling in love with and... kiss him. If it's the real thing... he'll kiss me back and I'll feel all tingly inside and he'll enjoy it too?" Xander asked, biting his lower lip.
//He looks so cute when he's doing that.// "Well I never said that exactly, but it could be a way of finding out what your true feelings are... just as long as you're sure the other man won't react badly." Giles answered, trying to get his mind off the chewed on lip.
Xander took a deep breath. //You've been thinking about it all day Xanman, you can do it. Just do it... it’ll be over with and you’ll know, one way or the other.//
Giles watched as Xander closed his eyes, and his heart almost stopped as he recognised the emotions that were playing across the younger man's face. //He's gonna... Oh God... Oh God...// He felt like a teenager on his first date.
Xander opened his eyes and not thinking twice leaned towards Giles. Their lips were about to meet when they heard steps heading for the library. Xander quickly hid himself in Giles' office.
Giles turned back to the gun case he was looking at before Xander's arrival, trying to hide his frustration.
"Sorry, I'm late. I had to do some unscheduled slayage in the form of Theresa." Buffy said as she came walking up behind her watcher, oblivious to his deception.
"She's a vampire?" Giles asked surprised.
"Was..." Buffy started.
Xander silently climbed out the window and left them to their werewolf search.
*** The next evening...
Giles was alone in the library, trying to sort the books and place them back on the shelves, but his mind kept wandering to the night before. The expression on Xander's face, just as he was leaning closer, his lips ready to be kissed. He growled at the memory, the deception and frustration in Xander's eyes that must have been reflecting in his own.
"Giles? Are you in here?" Xander's hesitating voice interrupted Giles' reverie and his heart started to beat faster.
"Xander!" He said, surprised and happy at the sight of the boy. He grinned but quickly hid it. "Hi!" He said gently.
"Hey G-man... I... I just... wanted to apologize." Xander stuttered nervously.
"What are you apologising for?" Giles asked, taking off his glasses and starting to polish them.
"For yesterday... I shouldn't..." He trailed, clearly ashamed of what he had almost done.
"You have nothing to be sorry about." Giles said, lifting Xander's chin with his right hand, the left one gently brushing the boy's cheek. //Perhaps a little encouragement is necessary.// "You don't have to be embarrassed about how you feel."
Xander swallowed hard, his eyes looking directly into Giles'. "It bothered me all day again... It's kinda killing me." He said, his voice catching in his throat.
"And what is that?" Giles' voice was calm and gentle, the exact opposite of his heart, which was beating wildly and uncontrollably.
"How badly I wanna kiss you." Xander said softly, amazed at his own words.
"Then I believe you should..." Giles was interrupted by the warm lips on his own.
Tentatively at first, Xander pressed his lips to Giles' and waited for the rejection he dreaded, it never came. Instead, Giles wrapped his arms around the younger man and pulled him closer, their lips locked, but still not moving, both of them too stunned by the other's reaction and the feeling of the other's lips on theirs.
Xander withdrew a little and took a deep breath. He could feel Giles' breath on his face and his arms around him; his heart raced and he felt blood rushing to his face, blushing from the sheer happiness.
"Definitely tingly." He whispered breathlessly.
Giles opened his eyes and smiled tenderly, before capturing the boy's mouth once again, in a gentle but passionate kiss. He licked on Xander's bottom lip, seeking entrance to his mouth. The young man gladly granted his silent request and their tongues tangled in an endless dance, both of them trying to map out the other's mouth.
//His lips are so strong, so different from a woman's lips. It feels so good. I love this... with him being in control of my mouth. It feels right somehow. I never felt like this before... Could this be the real thing and not just a crush?// Xander asked himself, as the feeling of Giles mouth and tongue coursed through him, making him flush with desire.
Breathless, they both withdrew a little and Giles placed his forehead against Xander's, looking directly into the boy's eyes. //So young... so beautiful... *too* young.// He thought suddenly scared.
"Xander... we shouldn't..." He began.
"Shhh... don't... please don't." Xander interrupted him, placing a finger on the other man's lips. "I *don't* care how old you are. It took all my courage to walk through that door and talk to you... and now... wow." He smiled, his heart pounding. "Please don't take it away as soon as you give it to me." He asked pleadingly.
Giles saw his own fear reflected in the young man's eyes. "I wouldn't want that... ever. But..." He really didn't want anything to happen to either of them. He didn't want to break the boy's heart, but if anyone ever found out...
"I know there's a big but... about me being too young..." Xander shrugged. "Or you being too old..." He shook his head. "However you wanna see it, I. Don't. Care." He punctuated his speech with a quick kiss on the older man's lips.
"But... if... if they find us... Xander..." He shook his head, gently caressing the boy's cheek.
"I know... don't worry... I know... can we just... not think about this? At least for tonight?"
Giles smiled and kissed the boy's lips tenderly. "We can forget about the repercussions for tonight, but that doesn't mean it can't happen; it won't make the possibility of someone finding us go away."
Xander seemed pensive for a moment. "I know it won't go away, but... how about we go to your place then? There's no chance of Snyder finding us there, is there?"
Giles laughed lightly. "No... no chance at all."
Xander gave him a quick kiss, so full of promises, then untangled himself reluctantly from Giles' embrace and left the library.
The librarian quickly closed all the lights and locked the library door. He walked out of the school and into the parking lot, where he found Xander leaning against Giles’ car waiting for him. He smiled, suddenly shy.
Giles smiled back and opened the door, holding it while Xander got in.
The ride to Giles' apartment was completely silent. Xander grinned in earnest and at one point, took a hold of the older man’s hand and wouldn't let go until Giles had to change gear.
Giles stopped the car in front of his apartment building and smiled at Xander. Soon, they were inside in the apartment, Giles closing the door behind them.
As soon as Giles had locked the door, Xander threw himself at him and kissed him passionately. He couldn't wait anymore. He needed him, so much.
"Oh God Xander." Giles moaned between kisses. Xander unbuttoned the other man's shirt, nipping at the flesh that appeared. Giles took a hold of Xander's hands and forced the young man to look him in the eyes.
"Xander? You're sure this is what you want?" He asked, worried. He really wanted this, but he couldn't do it if it wasn't what Xander really wanted.
"Yes." Xander replied seriously. "I've thought about this over and over and over... I want you. I want you to make love to me. I want you to love me. To show me what it's like... to be loved. Show me. Please?" He looked lovingly into Giles' eyes, though a little scared that the older man would push him away.
Giles leaned in and kissed him so tenderly, Xander almost choked. "Yes.... I want to show you. I love you Xander. I love you." He smiled tenderly at the panting boy and brought his hands to his chest. "But... just for one night. After that... promise me you'll wait? Please? I... don't want to be separated from you... but... I prefer it to be with hope, than without."
Xander was on the verge of the tears. Only one night, then he'd have to be patient. "How long? How long do you want me to wait? I'm not good at waiting."
"Four years." Giles said. “Until you’re twenty one.”
"Four years?" Xander repeated, his voice barely above a whisper. "I can't wait four years, it's like forever to me."
Giles gently caressed his cheek, a tear slipping down his face. "I know... it's a long time. But we'll make it. I'll be waiting for you. I promise. But we still have one night." He said, looking forward to that night of loving, but not wanting it to end, ever.
"One night." Xander repeated. "Love me tonight." He looked pleadingly into Giles. //How can I have fallen so deeply in so little time?// Xander thought. //I'm in love with him. And now... I have to wait... but not tonight. Tonight, he's gonna love me... He's gonna give me memories to make the wait less painful... or more painful depending how you wanna look at it.//
Giles leaned in again and kissed Xander's lips, claiming his mouth and quickly re-igniting the desire. He led the young man upstairs to his bedroom and they stood in the middle of the room, looking in the other's eyes. Xander tentatively reached a hand to finish the job he’d started earlier.
Giles let him and soon, they were both bare chested. Giles stroked up and down the young man's arms while Xander caressed the older man's chest, mapping each angle and curve. Giles moaned under Xander ministrations.
Xander kissed the other man's neck and slowly moved down, leaving a wet trail behind. He licked Giles' nipples, eliciting more and more moans from the man.
Giles suddenly stopped Xander and pushed him until he was laying on the bed. Xander looked at him, his eyes darkened by lust. Giles quickly stripped the rest of his clothes off and Xander stared mouth opened at the beautiful body, now naked in front of him.
"Wow. You're beautiful Giles." He said, breathlessly. Giles smiled and leaned to kiss the boy passionately. Their tongues fought for a moment, as Giles quickly unfastened Xander's pants and pulled them off.
Xander moaned as he felt Giles' hand brush over his erection. "Oh God. Giles."
Kneeling between Xander's legs, Giles pushed the pants and boxers out of the way and stopped moving, staring at Xander's muscled body. He reached a hand out and slowly started to caress the boy's chest. He leaned down and kissed Xander passionately. "You're a work of art, my love." He whispered into the boy's lips. He gently trailed down, nipping and kissing the flesh he found. He reached the young man's nipples and licked and sucked until they were both hard.
Continuing to play his fingers over his lover’s nipples, he moved further down the golden body, dipping his tongue in Xander's navel, mimicking the movement of the love making to come.
"Oh Giles!" Xander moaned, writhing on the bed. He was about to cum from the older man's caresses. He had never had sex with anyone before, but he could tell this was IT. Making love. It was so sweet and caring. So perfect. "Giles I want you."
Looking at Xander's face, Giles realised he was really close to the edge. He stopped his teasing of the navel and went further, engulfing the youth's impressive erection deep inside his mouth in one swift motion.
"Oh YES!" Xander screamed as he came. Giles swallowed all the boy's cum. When Xander was finally spent, he stalked over him like a cat and claimed his mouth in a fierce kiss.
"Giles... that was... I'm sorry." Xander said blushing.
"Don't be. I feel quite proud of myself to say the least." Giles grinned at his young lover.
Xander grinned back and pulled Giles' face close. Kissing him passionately, he felt himself hardening again and rubbed against Giles' thigh.
Giles moaned and took a hold of Xander's hips, pinning him down. "If you keep this on, there won't be much fun left, love. I need quite more recovery time."
Xander laughed lightly and kissed Giles' nose. "I'll be patient then." He whispered.
Looking into the young man's eyes, Giles caught the complete meaning of this very simple sentence. His heart stopped for a moment. //Oh Xander. How much I love you, how much I want to be with you. Now and forever. But we only have this moment, this exact moment. But you'll wait. And I'll wait. I'll wait for you.// He thought, saying all those things with his eyes. He leaned in and kissed Xander's lips tenderly. "I love you." He whispered.
Xander gripped his shoulder and pulled him even closer, kissing back just as lovingly, but his action showing all his eagerness. "I want you Giles. In me." He said as they ended the kiss, panting.
Giles' eyes darkened even more at the young man's words and he reached in the nightstand for the tube of lube.
"Hold your knees to your chest love." He said hoarsely. Xander complied, bringing his legs up and revealing his virgin hole. A little scared he looked up at Giles. The older man looked back at him and smiled encouragingly. "If you don't want to, we can stop." He said gently.
"No." Xander replied immediately. "I want you. I need you. It's just... I've never..." He stopped, blushing.
"Oh, it's all right my love." Giles leaned in and kissed Xander's lips. "I'll be very gentle I promise." Xander nodded.
Giles slowly pushed one slick finger into Xander, caressing his walls. Xander moaned loudly at the feeling. "This is so good. More."
Giles complied and quickly added another finger, then a third, slowly thrusting in and out of his lover's tight hole, gently stretching him.
"Oh God, Oh God." Xander kept chanting incoherently.
After quite some time Giles finally couldn't wait any longer. He took his fingers out, eliciting a deep moan of frustration from the young man. He quickly put on a condom and slicked his cock, placing himself at Xander's entrance.
As he felt Giles' erection gently pushing into him, Xander swallowed hard and gasped. "Oh Giles!" He moaned. "More."
Giles slowly pushed his length into Xander, until he was completely embedded in the young man's tight channel.
"Oh Xander, you feel so good!" Giles moaned.
Xander whimpered and started to push against Giles. "More. More. More. Oh Giles." He chanted.
Giles complied and started to thrust in Xander's tight hole. It felt so good, so warm and perfect for both men, they moved in harmony, meeting each other's thrust with a moan. For a moment, or an eternity, nothing existed but their bodies and pleasure. A pleasure filled with such love.
Giles thrusts started to get faster and faster as pleasure began to build in him. He reached between their tangled bodies for Xander's hard length and started to stroke it in time with his thrusts.
"Oh YES!" Xander moaned in pleasure as he felt Giles' hand on him. "Oh, Giles... Oh." He kept moaning and moaning, stopping only long enough to kiss Giles and take his breath.
As he felt his orgasm near, Giles leaned over Xander and kissed him tenderly. Their lips still locked, he stroked Xander cock firmly one last time, thrusting hard into the boy's hole at the same moment and they came together, both lost in ecstasy.
Giles collapsed on top of Xander, exhausted. A few minutes later, regaining his senses, he pulled out of the young man and took the condom off, and put it in the garbage. He looked at Xander and smiled. The brunette was clearly still in the haze of the wonderful orgasm they had just shared. //Oh, the wonders of being young.// Giles thought tenderly. He kissed Xander's lips and went to the bathroom to get a towel.
He came back and cleaned Xander's chest thoroughly. The young man looked at him, puzzled and then smiled.
"Hey love." Giles said, catching his lover's eyes. "You're back." He grinned.
"Hey." Xander said, breathless. He sighed and took Giles' face in his hands. "This was the most beautiful and perfect moment of my life. I love you." Leaning in, he kissed Giles tenderly.
Giles closed his eyes and kissed back. He wanted to imprint this moment in his mind for all the time they'd have to wait. "I love you too." He whispered as they broke the kiss.
Xander smiled and hugged the older man closer to his chest. "Just tonight, you said... does that includes cuddles?" He asked, looking pleadingly into Giles' eyes.
The older man couldn't say no, so he tucked the young man under the covers and followed him, holding him tightly to himself. "God... how I wished I were younger..."
"Or I were older..." Xander added. "But why wait four years? I'll be 18 next year... isn't that enough?" He asked.
Giles shook his head. "They still can accuse me of forcing you into the relationship... at least while you're in school... and then... you'll be out in the world and I want you to find yourself and make sure this..." He waved at the both of them in bed. "is what you really want." He finished, gently stroking the boy's cheek.
"If it's what you want, then I'll wait." Xander replied, looking directly into Giles eyes. He placed his head on Giles' chest and closed his eyes, snuggling deeper into the older man's embrace. "But I already know... this is what I want... and I'll wait... promise." He finished, falling asleep with his last word.
Giles smiled sadly. "I love you." He whispered to the sleeping boy. //Please, let him wait!// He prayed in his mind, before falling asleep. The next morning, when he woke up, Xander was gone, but not for good... //Hopefully.//
***
Episode Graduation 1-2: third season
"Giles!" Xander yelled, entering the library.
"Yes Xander?" Giles answered from behind the shelves.
"Are you alone?"
"I... think so... yes. I am." He said, stuttering.
"Good." Xander stated, locking the door behind him. Giles walked down to the center of the library, just besides the table and Xander walked to him and looked into his eyes for a second. "I love you. And I don't want to die without... having been with you one last time. Lets say, the promise doesn't stand here right now, under the circumstances. I am an adult and right now, there's nothing else I want more than be with you. If I'm going to die today, I want to die happy and you're the one that makes me happy." He finished, breathing deeply.
Giles didn't say anything, he just leaned in and kissed the boy deeply. "I love you too."
****
Episode Grave: sixth season
Xander picked a still sobbing Willow in his arms and walked to his car. His face was red and swollen from the tears. An overwhelming fear was driving all his actions and thoughts. //What if she killed him? What if she really did? Just when I'm old enough and free... I waited... but what if he's dead? Gone somewhere I will never able to be with him again?// Xander shuddered at the thought.
He quickly opened his door. It was difficult with only one hand but he managed to arrange Willow on the front seat. Five minutes later, he stopped in front of the Magic Box, just in time to see Anya and Giles getting out. He quickly opened his door and ran to them, helping to support the older man as they walked towards his car.
"Are you going to be all right Giles?" He asked worriedly.
Giles looked in Xander's eyes and what he saw there almost made his heart stop from happiness. "I believe I'll live." He said, smiling lightly. "None of my injuries are really serious."
Anya opened the back door of the car without a word and they carefully eased Giles as comfortably as possible on the back seat. Anya climbed in after him and Xander took his place behind the wheel.
"Where are we going now?" Giles asked.
"We need to find Buffy and Dawn and make sure they're out of that pit they were in." Xander said, driving towards the cemetery.
"There!" Anya pointed at the two small figures walking on the street.
Xander stopped besides them and got out. "Are you ok girls?" He asked, concerned.
"Yeah, we're all right... You?" Buffy asked.
"As good as we can be right now I'd say."
Anya got out and waved. "You two should get in the car... I'll see you at your house Buffy?" Anya asked.
Buffy nodded and Anya disappeared. Dawn and the slayer climbed in the car and hugged Giles gently. "You're going to be ok?" Buffy asked, worry showing in her eyes.
"Yes I will. I just need a little rest." Giles answered encouragingly.
Xander looked at him through the mirror and smiled. Giles smiled back and closed his eyes. This was so overwhelming. Coming back to find his family shattered and broken; prevent an apocalypse, again, and now, he felt hopeful. Xander was free. No ties in his life. That meant he still had a chance.
"Hey Buffster."
"Yeah."
"How 'bout you take the girls and I’ll look after Giles... You think you, Dawn and Anya can take care of Willow for the nig... er day?"
"That's ok... I think we can manage." Buffy answered, looking at her sobbing friend. "You think she'll stop soon?"
"I have no idea..." Xander answered honestly.
Buffy turned to Giles. The older man shook his head, but smiled. "I can make her sleep for a while. That will help her rebuild her energy."
Buffy nodded. The rest of the drive went off silently. Xander stopped in front of Buffy's house, where Anya was already waiting. She opened the door to Xander, as he carried Willow inside. Dawn and Buffy helped Giles and when he performed a small incantation, the sobbing slowly subsided. The red head fell into a deep sleep. Xander stayed by her side for a moment, watching her sleep. //Oh Wills. Please come back to us. I won't be mad. I promise... and God knows I can keep my promises.// He thought before getting up and closing the door behind him.
He found Dawn and Buffy fast asleep on the couch, while Giles and Anya were chatting quietly.
"Hey. You ready Giles?" He asked gently.
"Yes." Giles said standing up. He cringed at the pain, but still bent over to gently kiss Buffy and Dawn's cheek. Anya came to his side and hugged him.
"I'll see you later Anya."
Xander waved at Anya and helped Giles to his car. He parked in front of his apartment and helped Giles out. The older man was soon laying on Xander's couch, ready to be patched up.
"Xander?" Giles asked gently.
"Yes?" Xander replied, all the while tending to Giles' wounds.
"Why didn't you marry Anya?"
Xander stopped moving for a second, as the question sank in. Then he resumed his task. "I realized I couldn't make her happy."
"Why?" Giles asked again. "You could make any women happy." //Any man too...// He added mentally.
"I can't make someone happy by denying myself what would make me happy. I need to be happy if I want to make someone else happy." He babbled, trying to avoid Giles' eyes.
"You weren't happy?"
"No... I thought I was... I mean, Anya's a great girl and I liked her a lot, but..." He stopped moving and looked into Giles' eyes. "She wasn't making me happy. I tried my best, but I finally realized... it made no sense. In trying to make *her* happy, I completely forgot what made *me* happy."
"And what is that?" Giles asked gently.
"You." Xander answered without hesitation, looking directly into Giles' eyes. He leaned in and gently kissed the older man's lips for the first time in three long years.
Giles felt a shock like lightning coursing through him as Xander pressed his lips to his own. Opening his eyes and looking into Xander's, he knew the young man had experienced the very same thing.
Suddenly they were kissing madly, passionately, their tongues meeting and fighting for dominance, their hands tangled in each others hair and pulling their lover's face closer and closer, wanting nothing more than to melt together; mouths moving, tongues dancing, bodies entangled, they moaned almost continuously until they were both completely breathless. They withdrew just enough to breathe, lips still touching slightly.
"Wow." Xander said panting and opening his eyes to look into Giles' darkened ones.
"Oh Xander... I thought... I thought you had stopped waiting." Giles whispered in wonder.
"I didn't... I never stopped waiting." Xander replied, hugging Giles tightly. Kissing the older man's nose, he helped him up and led him to his bed, where he laid him down. Giles opened his arms and Xander gladly snuggled against him, loving the feeling of the older man's strong arms around him.
"After graduation... I just couldn't deal with not being able to be with you. So that's why I left. Decided to see a bit of the world to try and get you out of my mind. It worked... kinda. What worked best though was Anya throwing herself at me when I came back... well not exactly at the moment I arrived in Sunnydale, but soon enough that I wasn't dying from wanting to be with you." He sighed at the memories. "At least, with Anya, I had someone to take care of. She was taking all my time and *needed* me to think about her all the time... so I kinda forgot about myself. And then... when I saw you with Olivia... I got so angry at you..."
"I felt like I could die when I first saw you with Anya." Giles interrupted him. "You looked so happy with her... When Olivia knocked at my door, I hoped it would be my chance to have the same..."
"Oh...I felt like I could die too..." Xander said looking into Giles' eyes. "Pain tugging in my chest. I wanted nothing more than to run here and kiss you until you'd swear you'd never do it again. But I couldn't... I wasn't 21 yet and I had made a promise." He gently kissed Giles’s forehead. "But that's the past. The present is here and now, in this bed. You and me." He started to caress Giles' chest gently. "I kept my promise. I am 21 and I'm NEVER letting you go, ever again." He leaned in and kissed Giles thoroughly.
When they finally broke the kiss, Xander smiled warmly and gently caressed Giles' cheek. "I almost lost you today. I was there with Willow and the only thing I could think of was you. I couldn't... I kept thinking she might have killed you and... it probably would've been the only thing I wouldn't be able to forgive her for. I love you. So damn much it hurts. And for years I... fought it. Told myself it was wrong. So wrong to love you. But I can't help it. That's how I feel. I thought... I thought that by asking Anya to marry me and actually doing it, I would've been able to move on... because at least *that* was the right thing to do, the right place to take our relationship. But I was so wrong. You can't make love just stop. It's impossible. And you can't force yourself to love. I would've hurt Anya in the long run, because I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. Loving you, but being with her... that would've been the wrong thing to do... so I didn't... but the problem was, I'm a slow learner, and I didn't understand that before the wedding day... How stupid I was."
Giles stopped him from saying more. "Not stupid my love... just a young man that wants to do the right thing. You struggled with your own feelings and Oh God do I know what that feels like. Loving you, pushing you away... Yes, I pushed you away, because it was so wrong to love you Xander. So wrong. But I did, and I do. I love you like I never loved anyone. But at the time, I... just couldn't acknowledge my feelings. I had to push you away. It was the only way I could... cope. Because this way, you weren't near me, I didn't have to think about how I felt about you... because you weren't supposed to be there. You weren't suppose to have stolen my heart like you did. I'm so much older than you are, I... wasn't suppose to... love you."
"So... the waiting... it was you trying to push me out of your heart?" Xander asked, suddenly a little scared.
"Yes and no. I had to do it, because... I can't live a double life. Can't love you and not tell anyone. And also because my... conscience kept telling me how wrong it was. To love you and want you. I had to push you away... at least until you were old enough. Mature enough to really accept the implications... I want to tell the world that I love you Xander. That means telling Buffy and Willow and Dawn and... Anya."
Xander closed his eyes. He had thought about it, but had tried to push the thought away. "They'll have to understand then... if it comes down to you or them I’ll choose you, every time. I won't hide Giles. I don't want to. I want them to know and accept... and if they can't... then they'll just have to live with it."
Giles smiled warmly and kissed Xander's lips tenderly. "Then there's the glares we'll get when we'll go out. The shaking of heads, the disgusted looks..."
"I. Don't. Care." Xander said, interrupting Giles. "I don't care. I want us to be together, no matter what reactions we get. I... I have to stop thinking about what is right and what is wrong in other people's eyes. What is right in my heart right now is that I love you and want to be with you. I don't want to hide it either."
The older man hugged the brunette tightly and soon, the both of them were naked and hard. Xander gently caressed Giles chest, nipping and licking at skin he remembered so perfectly, paying homage to every cut and bruise. Giles moaned and writhed, wanting to touch Xander, but he was so sore, his body ached. He wanted this, wanted the young man so much.
Xander worked his mouth down on Giles' belly, finally reaching his cock, hard and slick with precum. Xander took it in his mouth, his head bobbing up and down. Giles suddenly stopped him.
"Stop please. I don't want it to end so soon." He gasped.
Xander looked up and grinned wickedly. "I'm sure I can make you hard again. You wanna take a bet?"
Giles shook his head. "Maybe when I'm rested my love, but right now, there's not much energy left."
"Oh." Xander leaned over Giles and looked in the older man's eyes. "Maybe I should wait then. You need to rest."
Giles raised a hand to brush the boy's cheek. "No." He said tenderly. And then he repeated Xander's words, the words he had said to Giles four years before: "I want you to make love to me. I want you to love me. To show me what it's like... to be loved. Show me. Please?"
Xander felt tears in his eyes. He remembered. He knew that Giles meant it. And Xander was going to show him. For the rest of their lives.
The end.