Wesley
The Price You Pay
Summer 2002
Follows The Price You Pay. Warning: character death.
* * *
I never wanted to come here,
but I felt drawn to. When I woke up, that morning after Lilah was gone, I knew
I had to leave L.A. I feared for my sanity and for my friends, well, 'former'
friends. If I had stayed and let Lilah control me as she wanted, I'd have ended
up battling against those I once considered my family. I know the informations
I have on them are priceless, and one day, with their schemes, torture or mind
games, Wolfram & Hart would have extricated them from my mind and I really
didn't want that to happen. No matter how much I'd hurted them and how much
they'd hurted me, I still loved them.
When I knocked on Giles'
door, I never expected to see him pissed and arguing with William the Bloody. I
don't know what I expected, but certainly not the sight that greeted me.
I knew about Buffy's death,
but I wasn't expecting it to have had quite that effect on Giles. I had always
thought that man was the strongest of them all. The one that could stay strong,
not matter what. But the man I knew was gone and what was left was only a shell
of a man. Broken.
He had lost so much. Buffy
and Anya were dead and even Xander, the one young man he considered like his
very own son, was missing. Broken.
Giles didn't recognize me at first. I was another man, so very different
from the one he remembered. Broken.
After I told him I couldn't stay in L.A. anymore, he invited me to stay
with him for as long as I needed... wanted. After a few drinks, I talked and he
talked. I believe the alcohol helped bringing down barriers. We ended up…
cuddling. His arms around me and my arms around him. It felt soothing... somehow.
We both understood the other one's pain. Broken.
Nothing happened that night, nor for the month that followed. We would
sleep together, holding the other tightly, as if clinging to life itself. But
we never took it further. Broken.
About a week before Xander came back, he kissed me.
It just happened. Our need had grown stronger. Later that night, when he
gently pushed into me, I felt wanted for the first time in months.
The next morning, Spike knew. We told the girls and they took it
surprisingly well. They were very supportive and not surprised. Which startled
me. Our relationship wasn't based on love, nor on friendship. It was a pure and
simple need for comfort. Or at least, that's what we both thought.
Spike and the girls kept teasing us. They said one never knows what he
has until he has to come to terms with it. I can't help but think they were
right.
When Xander arrived, with Angel, Gunn and Josh, something changed in our
relationship. The way Giles stood up for me and protected me. I believe it
changed the way we saw each other.
That night we talked. For the first time since that first night, we laid
our hearts bare, clinging to the other. We didn't want to let go. It wasn't
based only on comfort from then on. Something crept into our relationship. We'd
become friends.
We're not in love. I don't think we'll ever be. But we're friends, and
that's a start.
Since Xander came back, I haven't seen Giles drunk once. It amazes me
how much that young man means... meant... means to my lover. He's... more. More than
a friend, even more than a son. It is difficult to explain what he represents
for Giles. A part of himself, his family, a young man he had watched over as he
grew up. Xander is, was everything that held this family together. He was, is
still, the heart.
As they lower Xander to the ground, I feel Giles' hand entertwining with
mine and I look at him. He is holding on as best he can, but I feel his pain
and I can't help but wrapped my arms around him in a protective manner. I hold
him tight. He needs it. Needs my strength.
Spike stands behind Angel, his hand on Dawn's shoulder. The baby is
silent. Willow and Tara are wrapped in each other, tears straining down their
face silently. Josh is shivering in Gunn's arms. This poor young man will have
so much to undergo. He just lost his anchor and as much as he loves him, I
don't believe Charles will be able to help Josh heal, from both his past and
Xander's death, all by himself and without any professional help. I believe
what would help him the most would be knowing that the two men who abused him
repeatedly for all his life can't do it again, either by being imprisoned or
dead, make it the latter.
This isn't really the place to think about this, but I know Spike, Angel
and Gunn are actively searching trace of the two men, or at least they were
just before Xander's death.
Time goes fast and the grave diggers are getting ready to put earth on
the grave.
It must be too much for Angel for he sinks on his knees, looking at the
hole in the ground probably as big as the one in his heart. I'm transfixed by
the sight of him, tears straining down his face and looking so desolate. I
barely register the others leaving; I see Spike squeeze Angel's shoulder and
then help Dawn to the car. I can feel Giles' hand leaving mine. I look at him,
then at the fallen vampire, and back to my lover. He is fighting back the
tears. I gently hug him, kissing his cheek.
"Someone should talk to Angel." I whisper. Giles nods,
untangling himself from my embrace gently.
"I will." He replies, his voice hoarse with unshed tears.
I stand aside, by the trees, watching them. I can't hear what they're
saying, but I watch. Giles lays his hand on Angel's shoulder and the vampire
looks up, then back down, as he acknowledged my lover's presence with a nod.
For a few minutes, they don't move, just stand, or kneel, looking at the grave
being filled, slowly.
I know Giles is talking. Angel takes his head in his hands and weep at the
librarian's words, but somehow, I know those words are not ones of hatred.
Giles stops and Angel stands, still not able to tear his eyes away from the
grave. Finally, he turns to Giles, who smiles encouragingly. I walk near them,
needing to hear.
"Life can be worth living Angel. All of us, we need you. Spike
needs you." Angel nodded. "Don't let us down. It's what Xander
would've wanted."
I don't know why, but I feel this moment is highly important for Angel
and Giles, a peace offering. There was something about the way Angel cared for
Xander that cured my lover of his fear of Angelus and his anger towards the
souled vampire faded. Just like mine.
Angel nods at Gles and at the same moment, Spike appears out of the blue
and wraps his arms around his Sire's chest.
Giles leaves them to grieve and comes back to me. I take his hand in
mine and give it a little squeeze. He looks up at me and smile; a sad, but warm
smile, that turns my insides to mush. I find myself wanting to kiss the pain
away.
*** more than a week later…
I never thought I would be back in this hotel and be quite that happy
about it. Three days after the funeral, after which Angel, Gunn and Josh left
for L.A., Spike litteraly told us to pack.
(("Give you lot four days to get everything ready, we're gonna
squat the Hyperion." Spike said as he stormed into the living room.
Everyone looked up at him, stunned.
"May I ask 'why'?" Giles asked, taking off his glasses and
polishing them.
"Poof needs us. B'sides, he has this big place all to himself and
you lot don't wanna stay here." He stated. "Too painful." He
added after a few seconds, his voice barely above a whisper.))
We were shocked, but we all agreed to at least give it a try. For Spike
was right. Staying in Sunnydale, after the deaths and hurt and pain, it was too
much for all of us, including me.
When we arrived here, it felt like coming home for me, more so than if
I'd have returned to England. Angel had renovated the Hyperion from top to
bottom. It had been Xander's idea. From what I could gather, he had told Angel
it would be great to have the place be more comfortable and welcoming as much
for the business as for family. While they were in Sunnydale, Angel had had
construction workers all over the place. It was a beautiful and charming place
now. Everyone of us had an apartment, with all the required facilities.
I can't stop looking around at my, 'our' apartment. There is a lot of
space, but most of all, we have a huge library, big enough to hold all my books
and Giles' as well.
When we entered the room earlier today, I felt like a child given an
early christmas present. It must have showed on my face, for Giles wrapped his
arms around me, looking into my eyes and smiling the brightest smile I had ever
seen him with. I was transfixed. Not able to tear my eyes away.
Something changed between us at the moment our eyes locked. I felt like
the world shattered around 'me', all I was certain about myself and Giles was
gone. Giles leaned in and kissed my lips tenderly and lovingly. It was the
sweetest kiss we had ever shared and the world rebuilt itself around 'us'. New
beginnings.
We parted our lips slowly, oh so very slowly. He whispered against my
mouth the only words I had never thought I would hear from him. "I love
you Wesley."
And I love him.
We might have been broken, but love and friendship healed us. And as I
look at my lover asleep beside me in 'our' bed, I can't help but think that
love finds us where and when we least expect it.
The End... of a beginning.
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