The Price You Pay

August 5, 2002

Warnings: prostitution, semi-consensual sex, rape, minor mentions of child abuse, murder, paedophilia and incest; as well as character death. Tissue warning. Song lyrics from Babyface's "You Were There." Lullaby at the very end is "Baby's Bedtime" by Judy Collins. Thanks to John for finding the lullaby "Slumber My Darling" by Stephen Foster, and to Sarah for the beta. Birthday present for AJ and Lissa.

* * *

*** Part 1: When deaths of loved ones kill you inside...

The young man was on his knees, the other's man cock deep in his mouth.

"Yes, that's it bitch, suck me!"

Knowing what his client wanted, the younger man squeezed his balls lightly and sucked the head of the cock into his mouth.

"Oh, yeah. Who's a good little whore?"

Soon the man was thrusting in the boy's mouth hard and fast.

"Yes, that's it bitch! You got a good little mouth there! Oh yeah!!"

His orgasm near, he tangled his hands in the younger man's hair and threw back his head.

"YES! Swallow it all bitch, you know that's what you've been waiting for!"

The boy swallowed around the other man's cock.

"YES!" And the man came in the boy's mouth. When he was spent he quickly pulled out, fastened his pants and threw some bills on the bed.

"You were good... see you next week..." He left, closing the door behind him.

The boy got up, spiting the rest of the cum in the garbage can and wiping his mouth. He quickly counted the money, making sure it was all there. He tucked it under his bed and stumbled into the bathroom, ready to throw up.

Xander turned on the shower full blast, the water so hot it was nearly scalding

He got in the shower, flinching at the heat, but completely submerged himself in the stream of water.

He grabbed a bar of soap and began scrubbing furiously, desperate to remove any trace of the other man from his body.

Putting down the soap, Xander reached for his toothpaste and smeared a large amount onto the head of his toothbrush. He brushed and brushed, scraping the bristles over his tongue, on his teeth, even the roof of his mouth, determined to remove the taste of the other man's penis and cum.

His gums and mouth bleeding slightly, and his skin red from the heat of the water, Xander stumbled out of the shower, retching. He collapsed near the toilet, sobbing for what he had become.

A few minutes later, the phone startled him. He got up and staggered into his room.

He reached for the phone on the nightstand. "Yes?" He said, his voice slightly scratchy

"Alex? got another client for you... in ten minutes?"

//Can't he even let me breathe?// "Sure..." He said reluctantly. "Oh and Bryce?... can you let me sleep after this one... three in a night is enough..."

"I'll see what I can do... there was a demand for an escort... you sure you can't take it?"

"Sorry, I'm... really not feeling well enough for that... maybe tomorrow..." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Xander knew he was in trouble. //I really don't want this...// He thought as he quickly put on his robe.

"Look boy, they pay you to please them... not feel sick... now, since you already got three tonight, I'll leave the escort to Josh... but you get the escort tomorrow. And I don't want to hear you whine. Now, your client's almost there... I better not hear any complaints..." Not that he ever heard any... damn that boy was good, every one wanted him... he got more clients than all Bryce's other whores...

"You won't Bryce... I'll... be good." Xander said.

As he put the phone back on the cradle, he heard a knock on the door. He quickly looked around and, deciding it was clean enough, went to open the door.

He leaned on the door side, eyeing his client sensuously. "Well gorgeous why don't you come in?" //STUPID Xander! If this was a vamp, you'd be food!//

Soon, he was kneeling on his bed, the other man's cock deep inside his ass.

"Yes baby! Yes!" The other man kept chanting, while slamming his cock in the boy's tight hole.

Xander was moving like a cat, knowing all the movements that drove his clients crazy. He didn't even think about himself... he was soft and didn't care.

The first few times, he had tried to get off, but was reminded that it wasn't the 'moment'. Since then, he had just stopped trying to get hard.

He was panting and moaning, thrusting back on the man's cock, but all this was an act. There was no enjoyment.

"Yes!! OH YES! You're so good bitch! So tight... YES!" The man screamed as he came, spending himself inside Xander's ass.

He got out and slapped the boy's ass cheek once before putting his pants back on.

Xander laid on his chest and looked as the client tossed a few bills on the bed, his body screaming for him to get back in that shower NOW.

He smiled his best sexy smile at the man, as he went out the door without a word. As soon as his client was out, he counted the money and quickly got back under the hot water.

An hour later, he got out and grabbed a bottle of vodka. After drinking about a quarter of it, he dropped on his bed and drifted to a restless sleep.

***

Xander woke up with a start and sat in his bed.

*Dring*

//Well... that wasn't part of the dream...// "'lo?"

"Alex? Good news! Escort time has been advanced... it's at eight. Make me proud boy."

"Bryce..." Xander tried.

"Bye." And Bryce hung up not letting the young man get in a word.

Xander shook his head and placed the phone back on the cradle. //Gonna have to go see the boss... later... for now... shower.// He kicked the air in frustration. "GOD I hate doing an escort!" He looked at the clock. //Five hours... then have to get ready... that's not a lot of time...//

He took another long shower, loving the feel of the water on his face. It was the only time he still felt pure. Getting out he dried off and quickly dressed. As he was coming out of his motel room a voice called to him.

"Hey Alex!"

"Hey Josh!" He said, turning towards the young man. At only nineteen, Josh had more experience then Xander. He had been dragged into prostitution by Bryce himself, who had been a friend of his father, and had had a taste of the young man a couple of years before.

"You doing the escort tonight?" Josh asked shyly. He was always impressed by Xander, his wide shoulders and beautiful eyes... not that he would ever tell the older man.

"Yeah." Xander said bitterly, wrapping an arm around the boy's shoulder. "You went yesterday right?" He asked gently.

"Yeah..."

"Sorry 'bout that..."

"No prob... You'd had a long night... I understand... it was kinda fun, at first..."

"At first?" Xander asked worriedly. So many things could happen in this business.

"The guy's kinda bad..." Josh said looking down.

"What'd he do?" Xander asked, even more worried.

"Dragged me in an alley, on our way back... said he had a kink... and Bryce did say the contract involved doing whatever the client wanted... but..." He stopped, not able to continue.

"But what Josh? You know you can tell me anything... I'm not going to tell Bryce." Xander said gently, trying to look in his friend's eyes.

"Well... his... kink included a no condom rule... I tried to... but he just..." Josh blushed and tears welded up in his eyes. "Look it's no biggie..."

"Oh Shit!" Xander exclaimed. "He forced you!"

"Look... Bryce did say..." Josh tried.

"Doesn’t matter what that dick said Josh, nobody should force you! And condoms are protection, you can't do that without them!" He didn't tell the young man that most of the time his clients wouldn't put one either. If he wasn't willing to protect himself, at least he could try to protect the boy.

"Don't give me that Xan... I know that Bryce... look, it's not like it never happened before... one more time isn’t gonna change anything. And I know you don't use one most of the time either... Bryce directs that kind of client to you..."

"I don't care about myself Josh..." Xander muttered, taken aback by Josh's comment. "You're too young..."

"Don't give me that shit... you're only one year older than I am." Josh said abruptly. "And I've been in this business longer than..."

Xander looked down. "I know... and that's what makes me so angry... Bryce is such an asshole..."

"You’ve said that countless times Alex... why don't you just leave? You have the choice..." Josh said quietly, squeezing Xander's hand. "You could go... and live a better life... I know it sounds lame, but... you're a great guy Alex, and... this is not for you."

Xander looked at him and sighed. "It's no place for you either Josh..."

"It's not like I have the choice Alex... you do." style="mso-spacerun: yes">

//No more than you do... if I left... God only knows what Bryce would do to me...// He resumed walking, not answering Josh's comment. The younger man shrugged and followed.

//I just needed money fast and look where it got me... It's not so bad though... makes me forget... most of the time.// Xander thought, memories threatening to come back to the surface. //It's not like I really have a choice anyway...//

"Alex! Josh!" Bryce greeted them as they entered the motel's office. "How are my two favorites today?" He asked, slapping Josh's ass playfully. Josh blushed in embarrassment and Xander growled at Bryce silently.

"Bryce... I'm fine... now about this escort thing..." He said, trying to use his sensual tone, the one he used on his clients. "What do you want me to do?" He asked, while Josh gave their pimp his part of the last night's tip.

"Wow, my boy, you got a nice tip yesterday!" Bryce exclaimed, counting the money. "I take it you were good..." He said, grabbing a hold of the younger boy's ass. "Alex... you do whatever the client wants..."

//Not really a surprise there.// Xander thought bitterly. He nodded at Bryce and left, smiling encouragingly at Josh. He couldn't stand to be in that room any longer. For the next few hours, he wandered in the city streets, trying to blend himself to the scenery. Walking, he tried to think about anything but what he had on his mind. Thinking too much always lead to pain and hurt.

Finally, knowing he couldn’t put it off any longer, he went back to his room and prepared for the night's work.

***

Xander got out of the shower and glanced at the clock. "Oh damn! only five minutes left!" He quickly pulled on his pants and passed his shirt over his head.

It was his normal escort wear: tight sleeveless white shirt and black leather pants hanging low on his hips. He put on his shoes and belly button ring, grabbed his hair gel and mussed up his hair a little. He grabbed his coat and left the room, locking the door behind him.

The limousine was just turning up in the motel parking lot and Xander sighed, at least he wasn't late.

The impressive limo stopped in front of him and the door opened. "Get in good-looking."

Plastering his mask on his face and smiling sexily, Xander entered the car.

"Hello gorgeous." The guy inside said. "My name's Luke... you must be Alex. As pretty as Bryce said... mmmm. Even prettier than the one yesterday." He said huskily.

"That's me." He replied seductively. //The one yesterday? It's the same guy? Oh God... that's bad.//

Luke waved at the driver to take off and placed his hand on Xander's thigh.

Xander growled inwardly, but smiled at Luke. "Where are we going?" He asked, his voice sensuously whispering the words in Luke's ear.

"A club I know of... gay club obviously. You'll like it there." Luke answered, watching his hand on Xander. He didn't stop his slow caresses until they reached the bar, Xander growling inwardly all along but playing the game. He was really angry at the guy for what he had done to Josh the night before, but he knew he couldn’t say anything or Bryce would be mightily pissed, and that really wasn't of the good.

They arrived at the club and Xander liked it from the start. It was the perfect place to lose yourself in the crowd. The perfect place to just forget. But there was one thing he couldn't forget and it was the man dancing with him, touching him and eyeing him with lust.

Xander danced to the sensuous rhythms, rocking his hips, closing his eyes and losing himself to the beat. After a little while, Luke moved behind him and pressed his chest to the young man's back, grinding his hard cock into Xander’s ass.

"I want you beauty." He whispered hoarsely in Xander's ear. "How 'bout we go outside?"

Xander played his part, moaning as he felt the other man's erection poking in his back and nodding. Luke gently pushed Alex into the alley behind the club, a nasty gleam in his eye. Xander looked back at him in disgust, he knew what was coming next and suddenly decided he wasn't going to just accept it. //Don't care if Bryce said I was suppose to do anything, I just won't take it without a fight. What he did to Josh was wrong!// "I want you to wear a condom." He said seriously. As he spoke he realized what a mistake that was, he was in big trouble now.

Luke smiled wickedly at him. "So you wanna fight huh? Your friend tried that yesterday, and you know what? It just turns me on more, so you can try. But it won't work." He pushed Xander against the wall and reached for his pants. Xander yelled in surprise and tried to get out of the other man's grip. "Don't move." Luke growled knocking the boy's head on the wall as he tried to keep him still. Xander was stunned and filled with fear as he felt the other man fumbling behind him. Luke was about to penetrate the young man dry when Xander heard footsteps coming from behind. "Get your hands of him!" A strong voice echoed in the alley, the footsteps getting closer fast.

Luke turned his head towards the intruder. Xander listened as if from far away, looking down on the scene. The voice seemed strangely familiar, but his mind was floating, still stunned. "Gorgeous, you stay out of it. We're doing a little business here and it's none of yours. Now get the hell..." A punch could be heard and Luke screamed in pain, letting go of Xander to clutch at his nose. The young man curled into a ball, on the ground, his eyes closed.

"You broke my nose you fucking jerk! You're gonna pay for this!" More punches were heard and strangled cries drifted to Xander's ears.

"When you mess with one of my friends," The intruder said menacingly. "it is my business." He growled. "Now get the hell away from here, before I eat you alive." He kept on growling, as he lowered Luke to the ground.

"Hey! Whore! Gonna see you real soon and you’re gonna pay for what your friend did!" He ran out of the alley and back to the club.

"Xander? Are you all right?" The use of his name and the calm and concerned tone of voice brought the young man back to reality. He turned around and sat up on the ground, sighing in relief. "Angel." He closed his eyes and, taking another deep breath he stood up, Angel helping him. "What are you doing here Deadboy?"

"I don't know... helping you... I guess..." Angel said, thrown away by the boy's tone of voice.

"Well thanks... but no thanks..." Xander started to leave.

"Wait Xander..." Angel hurried to catch up and walked beside him silently. The vampire could smell a lot of other men on Xander. //Oh God... what happened to you Xander?// The other man's words came back to him. //Whore... he called him whore...// "What happened to you Xander?" He worked up the courage to ask what he wanted to know.

Xander shrugged and looked away. "What are you doing in San Francisco?" The young man said clearly trying to change the subject.

"Just passing through... and you never answered me." Angel said, looking at Xander. "What are YOU doing here?"

Xander looked around, then at Angel. "Look, I'd really like to chat... about old times and everything, but I can't... gotta go." //Before Bryce finds out about your little 'rescue' there... which will definitely piss him off... Hell, I'm in for a BAD week after this... fighting for a condom... stupid Xander!// "Work to do and sleep to get..."

"Why don't you come with me? To my hotel room... it's not much, but we could talk." Angel tried.

"Sorry... told you... can't." Xander said hastily, trying to suppress his deception. //I want to... God do I want to... but I can't... Bryce would kill me if I didn’t go back tonight...//

"If I said I'd pay, would you come?" Angel said, his voice low and gentle.

"I don't know what you mean." Xander shrugged, looking down.

"Xander..." Angel's voice showed a bit of annoyance. "How much?"

"What?" Xander turned to the vampire, surprised.

"How much do they pay you?" Angel asked again. "How much would it take for your pimp to let you go for a night?"

Xander felt tears burn eyes. He blushed in shame. "How do you know?"

"Well... there's what the guy said earlier which I won't repeat, then there’s the fact that you reek of other... numerous I might add... men. I can smell them on you Xander." He shrugged, not wanting to embarrass the boy any more than he already was. "Look, I'm not looking for anything sexual, I just... I wanna talk to you... and if it's only the money that's keeping you from coming with me, then I can give you as much as you need..." //You look so miserable like this... please don't make me leave you behind... at least not until I know what brought you so low.//

Xander looked at Angel, tears in his eyes. "Look, it's not only the money, Bryce, my..." He trailed. "He's gonna be real pissed and I really gotta go back, before he finds out..."

"Finds out what?" Angel asked trying to remain calm. "That one of your clients tried to force you? You tell me *that's* part of your job too?" His voice was a little loud and Xander looked around, making sure no one had heard.

"Look... it's not... oh dammit." Xander dropped his head into his hands, unable to hide the shame anymore.

"What if you told this Bryce that I'm a client? A really important client, with lots of money. You think that he'd let you then?" The vampire asked gently, pulling the boy’s hands from his face.

Xander thought for a second. //I really want to go, I need to talk, but to Angel? Oh dammit, I don't wanna go back tonight so why not?// He started looking for his cell phone.

"Is that what you need?" Angel asked, handing him his own cell.

"Thanks." Xander said, not looking up and quickly dialling. He turned his back on Angel and leaned his arm against the wall. "Bryce? It's Alex... I know it's not my number... yeah, I know that... look... no... I'm not gonna be available tonight... please listen... yeah I know that... look, I just got this new client... plenty of money... yeah I know... for the night... What? Are you...? ... sorry... yes... I'm gonna ask him... Yeah... see you in the morning... I'll give you your cut... I know... yeah, bye." Xander angrily hang the phone. "Stupid fucking jerk!" He yelled at the phone. Blushing, he gave the phone back to Angel. "I'm never gonna live that one down, am I?"

Angel laughed lightly at the return of the Xander he knew. "I'm sure he deserves it. What did he say?"

"He wants five hundred... and that's only for him..." He kicked at an empty can in the street. "He's a fucking moron... I'll pick up a little from my reserve... five hundred is a lot."

"Nah... I'll give it to you... don't worry about the money... I can even give you more if you want..." He said, walking back towards his car.

Xander shook his head. "I'm not gonna ask for more... I can live with a night out..." He blushed. //Why am I talking about this with him? Maybe it's 'cause he hasn't made a big deal out of it... and 'cause he still wants to talk to me...// They settled in the car and Angel drove out of the club's parking area.

***

The ride to the hotel was silent. Angel stopped the car and looked at Xander who was gazing blankly out of the window. The young man looked lost and sad; pain, hurt, guilt and shame all flickered across his face, then he felt Angel's gaze on him and plastered on a fake smile and sexy look. The vampire wasn't fooled.

"So... this is it." He said nervously. He didn't like what Xander had become. Just then he’d realised how much he’d missed the young man in the last two years; his laughter and loyalty.

"Are we getting out of the car, or you wanna stay here?" Xander asked teasingly. He could feel the vampire's nervousness and he wanted nothing more than to see it disappear. He too had missed the vampire. Though he would never admit it to anyone, he was very fond of him; his insults, snarky comments and attitudes purely driven by his impulse to push away every man that came too close to his heart.

Angel laughed lightly and Xander's heart started to beat faster as he watched the laughter and warmth of the vampire's eyes. "Wow." He said stunned.

"What?"

"You laughed."

"Yeah... I do that sometimes." Angel replied, looking even more fondly at the boy.

"Well... wow. I’ve never seen you laugh before." They both got out of the car and walked to the hotel door.

Angel opened it and let Xander in, bowing, his eyes still laughing and warm. The young man entered laughing lightly.

"I never pictured you for the laughing and joking kind..." He said, smiling.

"Nah... more the boring, brooding kind, yes?"

Xander nodded vigorously. Angel's laughter echoed in the lobby.

"In my defence, I wanna say that working with Cordy full time? You NEED to develop a sense of humour... and a strong one at that. Kind of a survival thing." Angel smirked.

"Oh hell, yeah." Xander laughed as they got out of the elevator and walked to the door of the room. Angel opened it and they stepped in. Angel took off his coat and placed it on the room's only chair. Xander followed his example, taking off his shoes at the same time.

"Hey... you mind if I borrow a pair of sweat pants? These are killing me."

Angel looked at Xander's pants and nodded. For the first time, he realised the young man was wearing the tightest clothes the vampire had ever seen him in; sleeveless white shirt, that showed all his muscled chest and tight black leather pants, hanging low on his hips, showing a pierced belly button; he looked sexy and gorgeous.

"When did you pierce your navel?" The vampire asked as he rummaged through his clothes, trying to find some sweat pants.

"About a month ago..." Xander blushed and played nervously with it. "Josh... a friend... wanted one, but he wouldn't go alone, so I went with him... he dared me. Said I wouldn’t have the guts to get one too." He shrugged. "Seems to turn some men on." He whispered, blushing slightly.

Angel handed him the pants and sat on the chair, avoiding creasing his coat, and not asking any more questions for the moment. He had so many he wanted answers to, but he didn't want to force Xander in any way.

Xander went to the bathroom and quickly changed his pants. When he entered the room again, he noticed Angel sitting in the chair, his head in his hands; he looked worried. Xander let himself fall onto the bed on his back and sighed in contentment. "I feel good right now." He looked back at Angel and saw the shadow of a smile cross the vampire's lips, but it quickly faded. "Why are you so worried Angel?" He asked.

"I'm worried about you... very worried." Angel said sincerely, his voice barely above a whisper. "And about Cordy... and Wes... and all of them."

"Huh... you haven't seen them in a while?" Xander asked surprised, he had thought the vampire had come directly from LA.

"No... I left after... Willow... I spent the summer with monks in Tibet... learning how to deal I guess."

"Kinda the same reason I left." Xander started to talk, closing his eyes, as memories he so wanted to forget came flowing back into his mind. "Part of it anyway, I just couldn't deal." He took a deep breath. "After Buffy... Anya..." Tears began to fall from his eyes. "Anya was badly hurt, she was in a deep coma. The doctors didn't know if she would come out of it." He sniffed and tried to dry the tears on his face. "She died the same night Willow went to LA... and I left. I just couldn't deal with their deaths. Losing two of the women I adored in less than three days was too much."

Angel looked at Xander, his heart breaking. He hadn't known about Anya, but knew how much Xander cared about Buffy. Losing both of them must have been so hard on the boy.

"And I just left... didn't say goodbye to anyone." Xander was sobbing hysterically.

Angel sat beside him and took the young man in his arms, hugging him tightly to his chest and rocking him.

"I packed my bags and left, I needed to forget... and now look at me." His muffled voice screamed his pain into Angel's chest. "Three months and I'm reduced to this. They use my body, do whatever they want with it and I'm not there. They fuck me anyway they want but I'm not there. I have a mask, a perfect little mask and I'm somewhere where it doesn't hurt... where the pain doesn’t exist. But when they're finished and I'm back, then it hurts so damn much to know what I've become... to know I let them do that to me. I'm dirty... so dirty, but I can't get clean ‘cause the pain's too much to bear and... I drink... but I *hate* it, cause that reminds me of my father and that's another bad memory."

Angel listened to him without a word, making constant soothing sounds, trying to calm the boy down. His heart broke into tiny little pieces as he listened to Xander's story. They had always thought he was the bravest, strongest young man, they weren't wrong, but not completely right either. He needed to be protected and loved, he needed to know he was loved and cared for.

As the sobbing slowly subsided, Xander closed his eyes and listened to his own breathing slowing down. A sound caught his ears and he felt Angel's body vibrating.

"You're purring." He whispered with wonder in his voice. Angel smiled warmly and hugged Xander tighter against his chest. He let the soft sound and vibration soothe the young man. He felt Xander relax in his arms and as the breathing eased Angel felt a tug on his heart. Holding the human and soothing him felt so good... so right to him.

"I feel good here." Xander said calmly.

"And I feel good with you here." Angel replied, tenderly caressing the boy's back.

"So... what's your story?" Xander asked, curious.

"Well..." And Angel told him about Darla's comeback; how he had fired his friends; what he did to get them back; how Wesley had been shot and how Angel had felt knowing it was his fault; his return to the group and their 'trip' to Pylea; how he could walk in the sun and how human he had felt; Fred and her constant babbling which often reminded him of Willow; and finally, their return to this dimension and the bad news that had greeted them. "I broke down completely. She was... a beacon. She guided me for so long." He said, tears silently falling from his eyes.

"I understand how that feels." Xander whispered. Angel smiled sadly. Yes he knew, just as Giles probably did too.

"I left LA then, Lorne knew of some monks in Tibet that he thought could help me."

"Did it work?"

"Yes, at least I think it did. I am at peace with myself at last. But I'll only know for sure when I'm back among them."

"You seem different, less haunted." Xander whispered.

Angel smiled and laid his head on the mortal's. "I am. A lot less haunted. I think I finally put the past behind."

Xander shivered in Angel's arms. "You're cold." The vampire said gently. "Here." He helped the tired young man under the covers and slipped in beside him, wrapping his arms around the shivering form.

"Xander? Are you ok?" He asked, worried.

"No... I feel cold." Xander said in a childlike voice.

"Shhh..." Angel began purring again, stroking the boy's side, and trying to bring warmth into him. Xander snuggled farther into the strong embrace; he felt truly safe for the first time in months and it was an overwhelming sensation. He let himself fall into a deep sleep; the first real sleep he had gotten for a long time.

Angel listened to the steady breathing and heartbeat, wishing he could hear it every night, but it was only wishful thinking. He knew he couldn't force Xander to come back with him, no matter how much he wanted it. He wanted to dry the tears and erase the bad memories, but he couldn't. He felt deep inside that Xander wouldn't be there in the morning when he woke up and his heart broke at the thought. He so wanted to protect him, care for him... love him.

As he realised he was falling for the young man, tears rolled down his face. He knew, without a doubt, that Xander had never been loved completely and the vampire feared his love was driven by pity. But as he examined his feelings, he remembered all the times the boy had made his heart melt over the years and he realised he had loved him for a long time. Tonight had only brought those hidden feelings to the surface. He let himself drift in the feeling of the warm body against his; not wanting to fall asleep.

He suddenly remembered he had promised Xander to give him money. //There's no way I'm gonna let him pay five hundred dollars directly from his own savings.// He slowly untangled himself from the boy's embrace, eliciting a sleepy grumble from him, though he didn't wake up.

Angel stood up and went to his coat, retrieving his wallet. He took a few bills out, and some blank cheques. He wrote a note and placed all the papers in Xander's coat pocket. When it was all finished, he smiled warmly at the sleeping form, but it quickly faded into a sad smile. He slipped back under the covers, Xander automatically burrowing into Angel's embrace.

The vampire closed his eyes and breathed the boy's smell deep, trying to ingrain it on his senses. Something about the boy's smell wasn't right, but Angel associated it with the boy's activities. Finally, soothed by the human's warmth, he drifted off to sleep.

*** Part 2: When the consequences bring bad news... *** Several months later

"Josh!" Xander screamed, as he watched his friend fall unconscious beside him. The young man had felt ill for the last few days, but he had been feeling better that afternoon, so Xander had taken him out for a walk.

(("Please Alex! I wanna go out. I swear I feel better!" Josh had whined and whined, until Xander had agreed.

"All right, but only for a little walk... nothing exhausting."))

They were on their way back when Josh had put a hand on Xander's arm. "Alex? I'm not feeling so good..."

Xander had turned towards him in panic and only had time to grab the young man's arm before he slid to the ground.

"Josh? Josh! Please, answer me!" He screamed in panic. //Not another one... can't lose another one... please no... not him too.//

"Sir? I called an ambulance." Xander turned around to find a kind looking old lady just behind him. She looked worried, but was still smiling encouragingly at the young brunette. "I’m sure your friend will be all right young man." She squeezed Xander's shoulder.

The boy felt tears in his eyes. "Thank you." He said simply.

"Al..."

Xander turned towards Josh, who had started to come back to himself. "I’m here Josh... I'm right here." He heard the sirens of the ambulance and voices coming from far away, but he didn't register anything; he kept talking to Josh, keeping him awake.

***

"We'll have to run some blood tests. Your friend has some worrying symptoms. Tiredness, coughing..." The doctor said to Xander, sighing.

Xander's mouth fell open as he realised the implications. //Stupid, stupid, stupid...// He kept chanting in his head. He should've known... in this business, who knows what you might catch.

//It can't be...// He thought to himself in shock.

The doctor watched as Xander grew pale. "We don't know anything for sure yet... and we won't before the test results are in” He said trying to reassure the brunette. “I have a few questions to ask you. You're not obligated to answer, but it would be better if you answered me honestly."

Xander nodded.

The doctor took a deep breath and knelt beside Xander. He looked into the shocked youth's eyes. "Is Josh your boyfriend?"

Xander shook his head.

"No... all right... Have you ever had sexual relations with him?"

(("Alex? Make love to me? Please? I wanna know... how it feels..."))

"Once." He answered, his voice hoarse with unshed tears.

The doctor nodded. "Only one more question... this one's the hardest. Remember that you don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable. Ok?"

Xander nodded once more, looking at the floor.

The doctor took another deep breath, clearly nervous. He hated to have to ask that question, but he needed to know.

"Are you..." He hesitated, not sure of the right word to use. "Are you prostitutes?"

After a few seconds of debating with himself, Xander nodded, not able to say a single word.

Looking at the young man's sad face, the doctor felt his heart stop. "How long?" He asked gently.

"Me... seven months..." He passed his hand through his hair. "Josh..." He sighed. "Almost three years." He hid his head in his hands.

"Oh God." The doctor was shocked. "But he's so young."

"I know." Xander said simply.

The doctor shook his head, it wasn't his place to ask more questions. "We'll have to run some blood tests on you too. You look tired and pale... these are not good signs."

Xander nodded yet again and followed the doctor out of the office and into the exam room. //I'm gonna protect him... gonna take care of him... he's not gonna go dying on me. Never.//

***

Xander was fetching a glass of water for Josh when the phone rang. "'lo?"

"Alex! How are you my boy? Haven't seen you in a while."

"Bryce." Xander said coldly. "Sorry, we can't do anything... doctor's orders."

"Doctors don't know anything... you're fine, both of you! I know you are, I'm sure you need money. And I need you."

"No. And there's no discussion. We can't... Josh's really sick and I'm really not feeling good. I told you that already."

"Look boy. You're under contract." //Where? In your head??// "The both of you belong to me. For as long as I want it. I don't care if you're ill, your mom's sick or your puppy died, you get your asses here, or I'm gonna see to it you can’t do anything else."

Xander hung the phone, not even bothering to answer. Immediately after, the phone rang again. "Yeah?" He answered angrily, thinking it would be Bryce again.

"Hi! Mister Alexander Harris?"

"Yes."

"This is Doctor Jackson’s secretary. The results of your tests are in. Do you want to make an appointment?"

Xander felt his heart stop. "Yes please." He managed to say, knowing the sympathetic young woman at the other side of the line needed his answer.

"How about tomorrow morning at nine thirty?"

"Perfect... we'll be there." He dreaded the moment when he would hear the results; he knew they weren't good at all. But he needed to know, no matter what they were. He hung up the phone and went back to Josh.

***

"Joshua Anderson?" The doctor called. Both of the boys got up. The doctor looked at them. "I'm sorry, but it's one at a time. Confidential..."

Xander looked at Josh, the young man replied. "It's ok... I want Alex to know... I'll tell him anyway... and I would prefer it if he was there... with me."

"Same for me." Xander added.

The doc nodded. "All right..." He stepped aside, following the young men in. "Please sit down. I've read your files and gone through the results carefully. I'm sorry, the news isn’t good. There's no easy way to say this... so I'll just tell you. If either of you have any questions, feel completely free to ask." He looked at Josh first, with a gentle look. "First, we'll have to have some scans taken, we're concerned about the possibility of lung cancer, or at least pneumonia. The worst news however is, you are HIV positive. But the good news is, you haven't developed AIDS and there's no trace of hepatitis."

Xander was in shock. He took a sobbing Josh in his arms and gently stroked his back. "Shhh, I'll take care of you... I promise."

"Tritherapy is very effective. We've seen more and more cases of remission of the disease, when it's discovered and treated in time."

"How long?" Josh asked, his voice muffled and hoarse.

"Pardon?"

"How long... have I been infected?" He repeated, straightening up.

"I'd say about one or two years." The doctor was very gentle. "Maybe more, maybe less, there's no real way to be sure." He took a sheet out of the file. "Here are the prescriptions, they are quite expensive, I'm afraid, but you can always ask for financial help with this matter."

"And me?" Xander really needed to know. Something was telling him he wasn't getting out of it untouched.

"You..." The doctor swallowed and looked down. "It's lucky you brought your friend here..." He couldn't continue, with the sad and scared look both of the young men were giving him.

"What? Tell me... I need to know." Xander said hastily.

"You're HIV positive, but I’m afraid it’s worse than that." He took a deep breath. "You have developed the AIDS syndrome and we've discovered you're degenerating very fast. Bronchitis, hepatitis, maybe even cancer. Your system just cannot sustain the illness."

"But..." Josh protested. "If I'm ok and I've been... longer than him... he can't..." He stopped, looking disbelievingly at the doctor.

"I'm sorry." The doctor apologised. "Every living system reacts differently to this particular disease. Some will take a few months, others a few years and some will be positive all their life and not develop AIDS. It really depends on the body and its way of reacting. We've even seen, very recently a few cases of it completely disappearing from the blood, some 20 years after the original infection."

"But that won't be the case for me." Xander said very calmly, looking at the floor. "I'm dying."

"NO!" Josh screamed. "You're not. You can't die." Tears were falling freely from his eyes.

Looking at them, the doctor knew they were each other's anchors, they kept each other sane. If one of them should die, the other would probably follow soon after. He hoped someone could help them, and soon.

"Oh. My. God. It's my fault!" The younger man rocked on the chair hysterically. " was infected before and then... god it's my fault."

"No it's not." The doctor said quickly, wanting to calm them both down. "From what you told me the other day," he said, looking at Xander, "you were infected *before* the two of you did anything."

"When?" Xander asked, his voice even.

"About six or seven months ago." The doc answered, looking at the files. He knew what that meant. The poor boy had such a price to pay.

(("You wanna see stars? I can make you see stars..." The sexy voice echoed in Xander's head. "Come with me. I can make you forget." The man was good looking. Very good looking. Xander had followed him outside the bar and in an alley, where he had been kissed and touched in ways no other men had ever touched him. "You were so good, my boy. You wanna work for me?"))

"Bryce." Xander said simply. Josh looked at him in shock.

"That means... I was infected long before." He gulped.

"Who's Bryce?" The doctor asked.

"Our... pimp." Xander answered honestly.

"Alex!"

"Sorry Josh... I just can't deal with this." He closed his eyes and felt tears fall down his face.

The doctor felt his heart break. This young man looked like his own son. A face and mouth made for laughter and silly jokes. He must have been a really joyful young man... What in the world could have happened to bring him so low?

"For the moment we can't do anything. We're still scanning through the results and you'll have a series of tests to undergo, both of you. We know we probably can help you Josh... and Alex... we'll do whatever is in our power to at least give you more time."

"How long do I have?"

"I'd say six months to a year, maybe more if you respond well to the treatment."

"How much would it cost?" Xander asked, thinking involuntarily about the blank cheques Angel had left him four months before. He had not touched them, but had kept them just in case.

"It's expensive I'm afraid." The doctor said, sighing. He was clearly not enjoying his job at the moment. How much he wanted to tell them everything was gonna be ok, that they'd heal and get better. But he knew that, at least in Alex's case, there was practically no hope. Josh had a chance though, and they were gonna take it.

"We can't..." Josh began.

"No, it's ok. We'll be all right." Xander made the decision at that moment. At least, if he was going to die, he would give Josh every chance he could of getting out of it. "If I don't have treatment how much time do I have?"

"I can't be sure but at this rate, maybe 7 months, but it could be more or less."

Xander swallowed and nodded. "I want Josh to have the best treatment you have, he has a chance. Give it to him. As for me..." He looked at Josh's scared, but grateful eyes. "Give me the basic treatment. Just what it takes so that I don't suffer too much. No matter what you do I'll die in the end and I really want Josh to have a chance. I'm gonna give him all I have."

*** Several months later...

"Alex? You in there?" Josh asked gently, knocking on the bathroom door before entering. "Hey. You shouldn't stay here, it's not good." He said, kneeling beside the other young man, who was sitting on the floor, beside the toilet.

"I can't move." Xander said his voice hoarse.

"Lemme help." Josh said tenderly, helping the young man up. He brought him over to the couch and tucked him back under the covers. "I called the doc, he said he's gonna come over this time."

"No! I told you I was ok." Xander argued.

"No you're not!" Josh argued back. "Look, I don't wanna fight with you. We’ve already had too much of that."

(("You should tell them Xander." Josh had said gently after Xander had finally talked about his past, though not mentioning demons and vampires. 'They are your family."

"Were... they probably don't wanna see me anymore..."))

This was one of their biggest disagreements. Josh had wanted Xander to head back to Sunnydale, where he had friends and family that could take care of him, but the brunette wouldn't hear of it. It still hurt too much.

A knock was heard on the door.

"I'm gonna get it, you don't move." Josh ordered Xander. The other man nodded. He walked to the door and opened it. "Bryce!" He exclaimed in surprise.

"I told you, I would find you!" Bryce growled in anger. He pushed Josh in and slammed the door.

Josh couldn't move, he was paralysed with fear. They had run away from their pimp as soon as they had gotten the news, and since then they had done a great job of hiding.

"You can't run away from me boy." The pimp said, pushing Josh against the wall and ripping his shirt. "You belong to me, the both of you!" He turned around, holding Josh still. "Where's Alex?" He asked, his voice sour.

"I'm here." Xander answered, from the couch. He slowly got up, his body threatening to betray him with every sudden movement. "Let him go." He said, growling.

"No. That won't work boy. Josh is mine. Always was and always will be. Since the moment I took him, he was mine."

"NO!" The younger man exclaimed, pulling out of Bryce's grip. "I'm nobody's. I'm me and I only belong to me." He said, punching the other man in the face.

"You have guts lad, but you'll learn." He said, reaching for Josh and pinning him to the floor. "I'll show you, just like I did when you were a kid. You remember don't you?" He asked, quickly pulling down both his pants and Josh's.

"No... stop." Josh was sobbing hysterically.

Xander heard it all and saw what Bryce was attempting. Working up all his courage and his Scooby knowledge, he took a stake from the cupboard. He always had one near, even if it seemed bizarre in Josh's eyes.

He knelt behind Bryce, who was too busy trying to keep Josh still to hear or feel him, and properly 'staked' him. Bryce howled in pain and let go of the young man to clutch at his ass.

"What have you done whore?" He screamed.

"Now you know how it feels! Get out, now! Or I'll call the cops and you'll have to answer for all you did to us!" Xander yelled, getting up and opening the door.

Bryce pulled the stake out painfully and quickly pulled up his pants over his bleeding ass. He ran out of the apartment, growling in pain and shooting Xander a disgusted look.

When he was sure Bryce wouldn't come back, Xander closed the door and sighed, leaning on it a second, to steady himself. He looked at Josh and found him sobbing, still on the floor.

"Hey, it's all right." Xander said, walking to his side and taking the boy in his arms. "He's gone and he's not coming back." He slowly stroked the boy's back.

"How... how did he find us?" The sobbing youth asked.

"I don't know, but we have to get out of here." Xander said firmly. Josh looked up at him and nodded.

"Where are we going?"

"I don't know." He answered honestly.

"Maybe we could go see your friends. I don't have anyone, but you do. They could help us."

Xander shook his head. "I can't do that to them. They’ve lost so much already. I can't just go back and die on them."

"But... you need them. They'll be sad, but they'll be happy to see you, I'm sure they will. Giles and Willow and Dawn, you said they were your family... and family helps one another."

Xander felt a tear slowly trickle down his face.

"Who's Angel?" Josh asked gently. He had wanted to ask for a long time, but had never found the right moment.

"What?" Xander looked at him in shock.

"You... when we were... you know, making love, you whispered her name. Who is she?" He was very tender, gently stroking Xander's cheek. He wanted to know, but he didn't want to upset Xander.

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry." The brunette whispered, blushing and stunned.

Josh smiled warmly. "It's ok. You love her?"

Xander laughed lightly. "I don't think HE would like to be considered a girl." He said, smirking.

"Oh sorry." Josh blushed.

"It's all right. I made a comment like that when I first met him. Asked what kinda name Angel was for a guy." He smiled at the memory then looked in Josh's eyes. "He's great. Gorgeous and nice. Though I never saw him that way before I... left. He found me during that escort a few months ago. He was so nice to me." He blushed, hugging Josh tighter. "I kinda fell in love."

"You've known him for how long?"

"Six years. He was in love with one of my best friends. Bad things happened."

"Oh." Josh wrapped his arms around the older boy. "You should get back on the couch Alex. You're tired." Xander nodded and Josh helped him up.

"We have to go to the drugstore tomorrow to get our medication." He said gently. Xander had always been the one to go. Josh didn't know where he got the money and the other man wouldn't tell him.

"I know. We'll go as soon as I get some rest."

Josh nodded and turned off the light. He still felt sore, but Bryce was gone, hopefully for good.

*** The following day...

Xander slowly got up and went to his room. He switched the light on and opened his closet. Taking out his coat he looked into the inside pocket and pulled a little envelope out. A paper fell and he bent to retrieve it from the ground. It was Angel's note.

I knew you would leave before I could wake up and stop you. Please, take care of yourself. I enclose the money, 500 and a little more, just so you don't starve. There's also some blank cheques. You can use them or not, I'm just putting them there...

If you ever need anything, please know I'll always be there for you... only a phone call away. You can ALWAYS count on me,

Love,
Angel

Xander read it once more and felt the tears threatening to return, as they did each time he read it. He looked into the envelope and retrieved the last cheque.

"Looks like we've got a problem." He muttered. He had always made a point of not taking a lot of money at once, but now, it was their last one. Xander placed the envelope and the note back in the pocket and walked out of the room.

"Josh? Pack your things, we're leaving." He said, holding the piece of paper tightly between his fingers. He took a pen and made the cheque out for just enough money to buy their bus tickets and medication.

Josh looked at him, surprised. "What do I need?"

"Everything you don't wanna leave behind. We won't be coming back, after yesterday I think it's best."

Josh nodded. "Where are we going?"

"L.A." Xander said, taking a bag out of the closet.

Josh smiled. "When are we leaving?

"We're taking the first bus that's leaving. As soon as we get the medication."

Josh just nodded and hurried to his room, where he packed his bag. Xander did the same, and they met in the doorway. They looked around at their little apartment and Xander smiled at Josh.

"New beginnings and a perfect ending... what do you think?" Xander asked, his voice hoarse with unshed tears. He wanted to see his friends so much. To hug Dawn and to tell Giles what a good man he was, to kiss Willow's cheek and share memories of an innocent past, of a time where they were pure and happy and didn't know anything about bad experiences and death.

Josh smiled sadly. Beginnings for him... an ending for Alex. He couldn't help but feel happy for his friend. They were leaving fast and without any warning, but Josh knew Alex needed that, and he needed it now.

He took the bags, only one for each of them, they didn't have a lot of things. Xander closed the door and locked it. He went downstairs and handed the key to the landlady, promising that the rent would be paid even though they weren't there. The old woman smiled and shook her head.

"I'll find someone else to live there... The both of you take good care, and if I receive any money from any of you, I'll send it back." Xander hugged her and smiled.

"Goodbye Miss Finley. And thanks for everything." Josh said tenderly.

"It was nothing. You’re good kids." She smiled sadly at them.

They waved and left.

***

style='font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-GB;mso-fareast-language: EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA'>

*** Part 3: Coming back to where we belong... Six hours later, they were settled on the bus, Josh's head on Xander's shoulder, the young man sleeping. Xander smiled at his friend and looked out the window. Every hour they passed in the bus put San Francisco farther behind, but LA was getting closer and Xander felt scared.

He hadn't really been thinking when he had made the decision and now, his heart was squeezing more and more with each city they passed. //How will the gang react when I'll see them? I'm so not what they remember. I'm so tired... but I don't want to sleep. I’m scared... I'm scared that if I close my eyes, I won't see them again. I need them... I need Angel. God I hope he'll forgive me for leaving, I just couldn't stay... couldn't get away...//

Xander watched the sun settle behind the horizon and looked at his watch. //7:45... only an hour and a half to go. Did I really make the right decision? Taking Josh so far away, well, not that far, but... into a world he knows nothing about with people he’s never even met. I don't even know if they'll help, I don't have any money left and I can't leave him like this. He needs me, needs someone to take care of him when...I’m not there anymore.// He looked sadly at his sleeping friend.

The ride was long, but it only gave more time for Xander to think. When the bus finally entered L.A.'s terminal, he had made his decision. He would go to Angel's and ask for help. No matter how much it cost his pride. For Josh's sake, he had to.

"Hey." He whispered, gently pushing on Josh's arm. "Hey wake up sleepy boy. We're here."

Josh opened his eyes and sleepily rubbed them. "We're already here?"

"You slept through all the ride, lazy you." Xander joked. He started coughing and Josh gently stroked his back, handing him a tissue. Xander thanked him with his eyes, and waited until the crisis passed.

"You didn't sleep did you?" Josh asked worried. Xander shook his head. "You need to sleep Alex!"

"Please, don't mother me right now Josh, can we just get off this bus?" Josh nodded and quickly retrieved all the luggage, watching Xander all the time. The other young man was in really bad shape. He looked ready to break.

Xander followed him out and they quickly got into a taxi.

"Where to?" The driver asked.

"The Hyperion." Xander answered.

The ride went fast and in less than ten minutes they stopped in front of the huge building. "Here you go boys." Xander handed the driver his money and they got out.

"Wow! This place is huge." Josh said impressed. Xander felt impressed too, but he was so nervous, he felt almost ready to throw up.

"Lets go." They walked to the door, Xander slowly following behind Josh.

"Look Alex, if you don't wanna..."

"No I want to, I need to... it's just... I'm scared Josh. Look at me." He said sadly, waving his hands at himself. "I'm sick, I'm half the person they remember, I'm not anything anymore, not that I was back then but... I use to have a purpose and now... I'm here to die."

Josh felt tears in his eyes. "I don't know what to say Alex... just... we can wait until you're ready."

"I don't have time to wait, it's now or never." Xander said reaching for the handle. He turned it and, smiling at Josh, who smiled back encouragingly, he opened it. He walked into the lobby and felt suddenly scared.

"Hello? Anyone here?" He asked.

"Xander?" Angel asked, walking quickly down the stairs, not quite running. He stopped at the bottom and looked at the young man. "Xander... it's you." He said in wonder. He had almost given up hope of ever seeing the young man again.

Xander blushed and suddenly felt dizzy. He was wavering on his feet and was about to fall when he felt strong arms holding him.

"Here, put him on the couch." Josh said to Angel, rummaging through their luggage to find Xander's pills. "Can you get him a glass of water?" He asked shyly.

Angel looked at the shy young man and nodded. He ran to the kitchen and quickly returned with water. He handed the glass to Josh and watched as the boy gave Xander his pills and made him drink.

"There... you gonna be all right Alex?" Josh asked, worried. He was really impressed by the tall dark man sitting in front of them. Xander nodded and Josh looked at Angel blushing. "Sorry for that, stumbling in your lobby like that."

Angel shook his head. "Oh God, if you only knew how much hope you brought back, I really don't mind. What's your name?"

"Josh... you must be Angel?" He replied.

Angel nodded and looked at Xander. The boy had closed his eyes and was trying to breathe really slowly.

"Xander? What happened to you? You're sick." He said, shocked. He could feel that this was serious. He smelt the disease and his vampiric senses told him he really wouldn't want a taste of his blood.

"I'm... in really bad shape." Xander said.

"Xander... you know I don't want you to lie to me... what do you have? This is really serious, you know I can feel it." Angel asked seriously. He was happy to see the young man and so much more when he realised that it meant he was out of that awful business. But looking at him, shadows below his eyes, so skinny and pale, Angel was suddenly very scared. "Maybe I can help." He offered genuinely.

Xander shook his head, sitting up straight. "You can't help me, I'm way beyond help but... you can help Josh. He still has a chance." He whispered, looking down.

"Help for what? What do I need to do?" Angel asked. He needed to know what they had.

"We're both HIV positive." Xander said, looking straight to Angel's eyes. "I'm... dying."

Angel's heart caught in his throat. "No... you can't."

"I can't tell you that's it's gonna be all right Angel, it's not." Xander said, tears silently trailing down his cheek. "I'm dying." He repeated.

"Isn’t there any treatment? Something that can help?" Angel asked, looking disbelievingly at Xander.

"There is, that's the reason why I started to use the cheques you gave me. It's... expensive and... I'm sorry."

"Oh... Xander! Don't be sorry! Ever. I told you they were in case you needed them, you did and you used them. I'm glad that you did."

"There's no more. And we couldn't stay where we were, we... we got a visitor yesterday." Xander said looking down. Josh gently stroked his back, trying not to think about Bryce.

Angel watched as Xander relaxed under the other young man's touch and felt a pang of jealousy starting to build. He shook his head, trying to shake the feeling from his mind. He shouldn't be jealous. "Who?" Angel asked seriously.

Xander looked up and caught a glimpse of yellow in the vampire's eyes. "Bryce." He said really simply.

Remembering well who Bryce was, Angel struggled to keep his gameface at bay. His demon was urging him to go to San Francisco and kill the bastard, but he knew he couldn't.

Xander saw the turmoil Angel was in and gently laid his hand on the vampire’s arm. "It's all right, I showed him... how it felt."

Angel looked at Xander. "How?"

"You remember how I always use to have a stake near in case you...?" He trailed off not wanting to scare Josh.

Angel smiled, his eyes glistening with understanding and mischief. "Xander, I always told you stakes were dangerous around me..." He started admonishingly. "...but they can be damn useful otherwise."

Xander started laughing and Angel gathered him up in his arms. Not understanding the joke, Josh looked puzzled, but still smiled at his friend's happy laughter. It had been a while since he had heard it, in fact, he wasn’t even sure he had ever heard it and now he realised just how right he had been; Alex... //Xander??// ...needed to be here with his friends and family, it was his only chance of dying at peace and happy. Josh felt tears threaten to fall as he thought of his friend's death, but he quickly pushed them away, it would come, but for the moment he was happy and that was all that mattered.

Angel looked at Josh and smiled. Xander calmed down and snuggled closer to Angel's chest. "I should get both of you in bed. It's getting late and you've had a long day."

Josh nodded, but Xander moaned in frustration. "Can't I stay here? I'm good here."

Angel smiled lightly and stroked the boy's back. "If you want, I can stay with you... but you really need to be in bed." He whispered. Xander let out a long annoyed sigh and Angel smiled, helping the young man up.

Josh looked at them and couldn't help but think they looked like an old couple. He smiled and carried the luggage upstairs, following Angel, who was busy half-carrying Xander.

"Where are all the others?" Xander asked, suddenly realising there was no one else around.

"Fred's in Texas with her parents, she just broke up with Gunn, Cordy's on a higher plane of existence..." He glanced at Josh and added. "Wherever that is..."

"Probably with a guy." Xander quickly added, trying to make it look like a joke. I must have worked, because Josh laughed lightly. "What about Wes?" Angel almost shifted to gameface and Xander felt him tense. "Oh... you don't have to talk about it." He added.

"Just... not now." Angel replied.

Xander nodded as they entered Angel's own bedroom. Angel gently helped him lay down and tucked him under the covers. The young man closed his eyes, but didn't fall asleep, he just rested.

Angel looked at Josh. "You'll take the room just next to this one. This might be a huge hotel, but there's only three rooms that are even partially ok. This one, the one next door and Fred's room one floor up."

"Who's this Fred?" Josh asked.

"A friend. She's visiting her parents in Texas for the summer..." Angel trailed not wanting to deliberate on the reasons. He opened the bedroom door and Josh entered.

"You'll be all right?" Angel asked.

"Yeah." Josh said blushing slightly. "Thanks so much."

"It's nothing. The bathroom's there and if you need anything, you know where to knock."

"You'll be... sleeping with Alex?" The young boy asked shyly.

"If he wants yeah." Angel said, smiling lightly.

"Oh he wants." Josh whispered, as Angel closed the door and went back to his own bed and to Xander.

***

Angel quietly opened the door and found Xander sprawled on the bed, shivering lightly.

"Hey. Are you all right?" Angel said tenderly, sitting on the verge of the bed.

"I'm feeling a bit cold, but I'm ok." Xander replied, curling into a ball and looking at Angel. "Can you... can you hold me?" He asked in a small voice, scared that Angel might reject him.

Angel smiled and took off his shirt and shoes. He climbed on the bed, purring lightly.

"You sound like a kitten." Xander said in a childish voice. Angel smiled and gently gathered Xander in his arms.

"I'm sorry if I sound like a kid sometimes. It's just so much easier to act this way." Xander whispered.

"It's all right. It's your way of coping I guess. I really don't mind Xander." Angel replied, trying hard not to think of the boy's condition. He gently stroked the boy's back. Xander closed his eyes and laid on his chest.

As Angel gave him a massage, Xander felt himself relax as he hadn't relaxed in months. All the tension was soothed away and the young man felt safe. "You have the best hands." He said sleepily in the pillow.

"You like it then?"

"Can't you feel it?" Xander replied, turning around. Angel was now kneeling at Xander's side, his hands on either side of the boy's torso. He slowly lay down on the right side and looked into Xander's eyes.

"Yes. I feel it. I... want to help you. What can I do?" He asked helplessly.

"I need... need you to promise me you'll take care of Josh." Xander answered. "He has a chance to live. The doctor said he might even live longer than most of those who were infected. He's... the exact opposite of me in a way."

"How?" Angel asked curious.

"He hasn't developed AIDS yet, his immune system still works mostly good. He might get the flu more than some, but... he's ok. Me on the other hand... I'm... degenerating really fast. My body... just can't cope." Xander said. "I'm dying. And it won't be long. Three months, four at the most."

"But... isn't there a way to stop this?" Angel asked, feeling helpless.

"No. Once the disease is too far gone there's no way to stop it. It... eats up my immune system. The last time I saw the doctor, I had pneumonia, bronchitis and hepatitis. He did some scans for lung cancer... but we left before our next appointment."

"Can you see a doc around here? Maybe someone will have a better treatment."

"Angel, I'm sorry but... there's no better treatment. I am dying." Xander said, looking in the vampire's eyes.

"No... I just don't wanna believe this Xander. There must be something we can do. It just... doesn't make any sense." Angel began, tears flooding from his eyes. "I can't lose you... not when you've just come back." Xander raised his hand and gently stroked Angel's cheek.

"I didn't know you felt this way about me." He said tenderly.

Angel smiled sadly. "I do."

Xander felt tears fall down his face and he started sobbing. Angel pulled him in his arms and hugged him tightly. "Shhh... it's gonna be all right... I'll take care of you... I promise." He whispered tenderly.

Slowly, Xander's sobbing subsided. He could feel Angel's skin on his own and he wanted to touch. He gently caressed the vampire's chest, trying to map out every inch.

He suddenly stopped and looked away. "I can't..." He tried to untangle himself from Angel’s embrace, but the vampire held him firmly.

“Shhh.” Angel leaned his head on the young man’s shoulder. “It’s all right Xander.”

“No, it’s not. I want... I want... Oh dammit, I want you so much. But I can’t.” //How did that happened Xanman? You wanting Deadboy so much?//

Angel held Xander close, soothing him. “Let me make love to you then.” Angel whispered very gently in the young man’s ear.

Xander tensed. “You can’t.” He started to argue, but Angel silenced him with a kiss.

“And why can’t I?” He asked, as their lips parted.

“You... You’ll be infected and I don’t want...” Xander stammered, slightly more relaxed from the kiss.

“Love, I can’t be infected. Do you ever remember me catching the flu?” Angel replied, trying to lighten the mood a little, he didn’t like Xander being so tense.

“How?” Xander seemed genuinely puzzled.

“I’m a vampire Xan... I can’t be infected by anything. I heal too quickly.” Angel said seriously, while brushing a strand of hair out of the boy’s eyes. “I want to make love to you, but not tonight. You need to rest, you’ve had a long day.”

Xander snuggled deeper into Angel’s embrace. “You’re really positive you can’t be infected?”

“I’m probably the only person you can have sex with right now... well, apart from Spike that is... but I’m not sure he’d be as willing as I am." He finished, whispering in the boy’s ear. "I think I’ve fallen in love with you.”

Xander sighed and closed his eyes. //I think I’ve fallen in love with you too.// He thought, but didn’t say it out loud. “Thank you Angel. For taking us in, for helping me, for... loving me.”

“I’m just so glad you came Xander, it means so much to me.” Angel said softly.

“It means a lot to me too. And to Josh.” Xander took a deep breath. “He never had a real family, real friends. He’s always been alone before me. His mom died giving birth to his brother who died two years later. And his dad used him for his own pleasure from a very young age... he was... thrown into prostitution at seventeen when his dad..." Tear were falling silently from Xander’s life. “He had a horrible life. He doesn’t know what a family is, he doesn’t know what having friends means...”

“I’m gonna make sure he gets to know these things.” Angel whispered the promise. //I just don’t get it. How can a human, with a soul, do that to a child? Doesn’t that go against our entire black and white view of the world? Demons are evil, humans are good. That’s just a load of crap. Some humans are much more evil than some demons could ever be.//

“Thank you.” Xander said sleepily

Angel kissed Xander’s forehead and closed his eyes.

***

When Angel woke up the next day, he was wrapped in a warm, living blanket. He smiled affectionately and untangled himself from Xander’s embrace. He made sure not to wake the boy and left of the room. He stopped by Josh’s bedroom and watched the young blond man sleep. //How can anyone hurt you? You look so sweet and innocent. But you’re not innocent anymore... Maybe you never were.// He doubted the young man even knew about vampires. //Xander probably didn’t tell him to protect him from other monsters...//

He quietly closed the door and walked downstairs. He fixed himself a cup of blood and sat at the counter, looking at the empty lobby. He missed the laughter, the noise and all the chatter that used to drive him crazy. He missed Cordelia and her ever-present smile, Fred and her babbling, Lorne and his... presence. He even missed Wesley and his quiet stares, gentle scolding and the way he used to look at all of them, even Angel, like he needed to be the adult. //Maybe that’s what drove him to kidnap Connor, because he felt it was his responsibility to protect my son... from me.// Angel realised. //But it’s too late now. Wesley’s gone, Connor’s gone, they’re all gone.//

Suddenly, the door opened and Angel’s head shoot up in hope to see a familiar face. But no. A policeman made his way through the lobby.

“Are you Mister Angel?”

“Yes, that’s me.” Angel answered puzzled and slightly worried.

“We arrested your son Steven yesterday.” The policeman said calmly.

“What did he do?” Angel replied shrugging.

“He is charged with murder.”

Angel gasped. Then shrugged again. “Well he did try to kill me.” he muttered to himself. The policeman looked up sharply. Angel frowned then asked, “What happened?”.

“A young prostitute offered him her... services. There was little discussion involving Steven asking what she meant and her explaining it in his ear. He looked shocked and slapped her. She spit in his face and he simply snapped her neck in anger. There were a lot of witnesses.” The policeman explained remaining impossibly calm.

The vampire closed his eyes. “He has a really bad temper.” He muttered.

The officer looked at Angel and nodded. “Why don’t we have any documents about him trying to kill you?”

“Oh, er, well... I got out of there without so much as a scratch and I’m... pretty good at forgiveness... in his case anyway. But not anymore. I’m tired.”

The officer nodded again. “All right. If you want to make a deposition, you’ll need to come down to the station.”

“I won’t.” Angel said firmly.

“I take it you don’t want to be involved in the trial?”

“I want to know the verdict, but don’t involve me in the trial itself.” Angel sighed.

“All right. I’ll leave the papers here and call you when the trial is finished and the sentence is known. Hope you have a good day.” Leaving a folder on the counter, the policeman turned around and left the hotel.

Angel watched as the officer closed the door behind him. He looked for what seemed like hours at the pile of paper left on the counter, before finally working up the courage to open the file and read. For an hour, he read a large amount of paper work that basically said the same thing the officer had said. A few pictures of Connor and some more paper work on the laws the young man had broken. When he finished, Angel closed the folder and placed it on Wesley’s desk. He would burn it later. text-autospace:none'> Angel went down to the basement to take out his frustrations on the punch bag.

For what seemed like hours, he punched and kicked, until eventually exhausted,

he stopped and went upstairs to take a quick shower. Xander was still in bed sleeping when the vampire entered the bedroom. He smiled at the sight. //He’s so cute. So adorable.//

He kissed Xander’s forehead and quickly undressed on his way to the bathroom. When he came out, the young man wasn’t in bed anymore and the room had been cleaned up; the clothes folded on his chair and the bed made. Angel smiled.

***

The two young men were chatting quietly in the lobby over a cup of coffee. Xander looked up as he heard footsteps coming closer and he smiled warmly at Angel. The vampire leaned in and kissed the brunette tenderly.

“Hey love. You slept well?” He asked gently.

“Yeah. Haven’t slept this good in... well in years.” Xander brushed Angel’s cheek and they were still, entranced by the other’s eyes.

“You guys are so cute.” Came the small voice from beside Xander.

The brunette blushed, but didn't take his eyes away from Angel. "You jealous Josh?" He asked mockingly.

"Hell, yeah." The other young man answered smiling. "I'm happy for you Alex... er Xander." Josh shook his head. "What do you want me to call you now?"

Xander looked pensive and then turn his gaze to his friend. "How 'bout Xander? Alex is... it doesn't sound like me. Not like the 'me' I am now anyway."

"Xander it is then." Josh smiled and squeezed his friend's shoulder and stood up. "You do look cute." He added mischievously.

Xander laughed lightly as he watched his friend walk back to the kitchen to clean his cup and probably grab another snack. Which made him think. "Angel? You think we could do a little grocery shopping? There's not really much in to eat."

Angel nodded and leaned in to kiss Xander once more.

"So... how 'bout we get the grand-tour?" Josh asked coming back from the kitchen, an apple in his hand.

Angel smiled and helped Xander up.

***

As the day passed, the boys felt more and more at ease. It was so good to let go of the tension and the pain. They laughed and chatted like the young men they were, Angel even giving in to laughter every once in a while though his smile never quite reached his eyes.

Xander noticed that and as soon as Josh went back to his room after they went to buy groceries, Xander entered the office and closed the door behind him. He looked at Angel, sitting on the chair behind the desk, his head in his hands, looking completely alone.

"Hey." He greeted, approaching the vampire. "Are you ok? I... I noticed you seemed kinda down today."

Angel looked up at him and sighed. Xander went over to him and sat on his lap, wrapping his arms around the vampire's shoulders. "Tell me." He said very gently in the vampire's ear.

And Angel broke. For hours he spoke of everything that had happened since they had last seen each other nine months before. Darla, Connor, Wesley, his frustrations, his happiness, how it felt to hold baby Connor in his arms, how he felt betrayed and let down when Wesley took him away, the happiness of having Connor/Steven back and then the horrors of being betrayed by him too. He cried and shouted, but Xander never once said anything. He just stayed silent, gently petting the vampire, soothing Angel as Angel had soothed him. Finally, Angel stopped and just laid his head on Xander's shoulder.

"You remember what you told me in San Francisco?" Xander ask very gently after a few minutes of silence. Angel looked up at Xander, puzzled. "You said you trusted Wesley with your life." Angel went to say something, but Xander silenced him. "Don't talk. Let me." Angel nodded. "You said you trusted him. You remember the reason you gave me then?"

Angel nodded, looking down.

"What was it?"

"He... always made the right decision according to the information he had. That even if his decisions resulted in the deaths of men and women." //Like in Pylea.// "He would always chose the right thing to do, but..."

"No buts Angel. You said it yourself. He always did the right thing, what he felt he had to do. No matter if it would make people hate him, he'd do it, because it was the right thing to do. If it hadn't been, he would never have taken Connor away. It probably was his last hope. He trusted you too and thought of you as a friend, or so you told me. I don't think he'd ever do anything to hurt you, except if it was the only way. He lost everyone by doing that, he lost his friends and family. But he did it. So why?"

Angel felt a weight taken off his shoulder and he looked into Xander's eyes. "It was the right thing to do. At least in his view."

"Yeah. He did it even if it meant he would be alone afterwards. He knew he would lose all of you by doing it, but he did it anyway."

Xander looked into the vampire's eyes. "Promise me, next time you'll see Wesley, you'll think about all this, ok?"

"I promise, but only because you asked." Angel answered, kissing Xander's nose.

Having given Angel a little food for thought, Xander gripped the vampire's hand, standing up. Time to change the subject. He looked at Angel, pouting.

"What now?" Angel asked, faking annoyance.

"Can we go to your... our room?" Xander said in a childlike voice. "I wanna cuddle."

Angel smiled warmly and stood up, wrapping his arms around Xander. He brought the young man closer to him and kissed him passionately. Xander answered by licking the vampire's lips, seeking entrance. Their tongues tangled and fought together as their hands roamed each other’s bodies.

Angel broke the kiss, panting needlessly. "Thank you."

The young man smiled and dragged the vampire upstairs. Tonight, Xander was going to be loved.

***

When they reached the room, Angel closed the door behind himself and turned to see Xander, sitting on the bed, smiling. The vampire felt like time had stopped and nothing existed apart from them.

He made his way to the bed and stood in front of the young man. Xander started unbuttoning Angel's shirt, lost in concentration. He couldn't tear his eyes away from the skin he was revealing. He eased the shirt out of the way and let his hands wander on the soft flesh.

Angel moaned and placed his hands on top of Xander's, stopping the slow teasing caresses. Without a word he helped Xander to his feet and kissed him tenderly. He gripped the hem of the young man's t-shirt and gently pulled it up over Xander's shoulders then unfastened his pants and eased them down before leaning in and kissing the boy's lips once more. Angel then trailed across Xander's cheek and down to his neck. He gently nibbled on the boy's pulse, his cool hands caressing the hot chest.

Xander threw his head back. Never had he been touched so gently before. This was new and yet, it felt perfect. Just like it should be. He lifted Angel's head and their eyes met for what seemed like an eternity, before Xander deposited a very soft kiss on the vampire's lips. His hands trailed down and he unfastened the vampire's pants, Angel's hands finding his and helping him ease the pants and silk boxers out of the way.

Gently Angel pushed Xander on the bed. The boy laid on his back, sprawled like an offering. //A beautiful, priceless offering.// The vampire thought as he leaned over Xander and began trailing soft kisses on every bit of flesh he could find, starting at the boy's forehead. He kissed all over Xander's face, wandering down to his neck and nibbling there. He stopped to play with Xander's nipples, eliciting more and more moans from the young man. After a few minutes, he continued his journey and dipped his tongue in Xander's navel, teasing and thrusting in and out. The vampire ran his hands up and down Xander's thighs, as he lowered his mouth towards the young man's erection.

Xander's heart was racing and he was panting with need. All this care and soft touching had made him so hard, yet, shouldn't he be the one giving pleasure?

Angel gently ran his fingers over the hard flesh before gripping it and beginning to stroke it in a slow rhythm. He bent his head and took the tip of Xander's hard cock in his mouth, licking the precum and loving the taste of it.

"No Angel. Stop. I should be the one to..."

"No love, you left that life behind." Angel said, crawling over his lover's body and looking directly into his eyes. "You're not here to please me. I want to make love to you. Let me? Please?"

Xander was shocked, but he realised Angel was right. He wasn't a prostitute anymore and this wasn't about pleasing someone. It was about love. The both of them making love. *Angel* making love to him. The young man closed his eyes and laid back on the bed.

Encouraged by this silent agreement, the vampire returned to his task. Mouth and hands, nipping, caressing and licking the human flesh, though not touching the hard cock he'd had in his mouth mere moments ago.

This teasing was making Xander crazy with need. He fisted his hands in the sheets trying hard not to simply grip the vampire's shoulders and push him towards his cock.

He heard the vampire fumble on the nightstand with one free hand and suddenly, he was encased in cool wetness from tip to root. //Thank God vampires don't have to breathe!//

Angel gently bobbed his head up and down, teasing Xander's cock with his tongue, moving oh so slowly. Without stopping his slow ministrations, he uncapped the tube of lube he'd just took from his nightstand and slicked his fingers. He gently teased Xander's opening before sliding his finger in. He thrust in and out gently stretching and caressing the walls.

Xander was lost in pleasure, nothing registering in his head apart from the feeling of Angel's finger and mouth, in him and on him, teasing him. "More." He moaned, pushing back against the vampire's hand.

Angel complied and added first a second, then a third finger. When he felt Xander was ready, he took his fingers out and released the hard flesh from his mouth, leaning over the boy to kiss him gently. Xander wouldn't have any more teasing, he grabbed Angel's head and pulled him into a searing kiss and started thrusting up into Angel. They rubbed against each other frantically. Angel broke the kiss and stilled Xander suddenly. He looked into the young man's eyes, panting needlessly. He was too near, he needed to be in Xander.

The brunette nodded and poured lube onto his hand. He quickly coated Angel's erection and then wrapped his legs around the vampire's waist.

Angel watched as Xander positioned the vampire's cock at his entrance and gripped Angel's shoulders. He kissed the boy's lips and started to push inside that tight heat. It felt so good. Slowly, oh so slowly, he slipped inside Xander and then stilled. Their lips still pressed together, they started to move together in an endless dance, up and down, up and down, slowly at first, and then faster as their need took over.

Xander had never felt so good. Never thought it could feel so go to be with another man. It felt so perfect and beautiful.

Angel thrust into Xander harder and faster, watching, as his cock was enveloped in Xander's tightness with every thrust. He didn't want to end too soon, he still had to find that perfect little spot inside Xander's body that would send the boy over the edge of ecstasy.

Xander's eyes were closed, lost in pleasure. He felt Angel push on his legs and unwound them from the vampire's waist, making sure not to lose the rhythm. He felt the angle change as his legs were pushed over Angel's shoulders. Another hard thrust and he screamed, shivers of pleasure coursing through him as if he'd been hit by lightning.

When he heard Xander's scream, Angel smiled and leaned in to kiss his lover again. Their lips locked, they both felt their orgasms approaching. Angel thrust harder and reached for Xander's cock. Stroking and thrusting, he felt his balls tighten. As if on cue, Xander placed his hand over the vampire's on his own cock and opened his eyes. Gaze locked, they moaned loudly and their rhythm became frenzied. Thrusting and stroking hard, they drove each other to completion.

Angel collapsed on top of Xander, panting. The young man was staring at the ceiling still in a haze. The vampire smiled and gently pulled out, laying beside the boy. Xander slowly turned towards his lover and smiled warmly. "Thank you." He whispered, burying himself in Angel's embrace. "This was the most amazing moment of my life."

"I love you Xander." Angel replied kissing the young man's forehead.

Hugging each other tightly, they fell asleep, truly content.

*** The next morning

“Hey Angel, bro, ready to go back to work?” Gunn asked as he opened the bedroom door and stepped in. He stopped moving suddenly, shocked by the sight that greeted him.

Angel was laying on his back, his arms wrapped around a young man Gunn had never met. Said young man was also wrapped around the vampire as a blanket, his head on the vampire’s chest. Both of them were naked.

Gunn reacted fast. //Angel + sex = not good.// He pulled a stake out of his coat and ran to the bed, shoved Xander out of the way and dragged Angel to his feet, not caring about the nakedness. He pushed Angel against the wall, placing the stake just over his heart, pushing but not enough to break the skin.

"Gunn!" Angel screamed in shock and panic. "I'm ok, still me, not Angelus." He said nervously. "Just Angel."

Gunn eyed him suspiciously. "How can I be sure of that?"

"Well, I'm kinda still very much alive." The young man on the bed said.

The black man turned his head and looked at Xander. The boy was scrubbing his eyes like a child and had wrapped the blanket around himself.

"Xander? Is... are you ok?" Came a little voice from the doorway as Josh pushed the almost closed door open.

Angel pushed Gunn's stake away and quickly covered himself with one of the bed sheet before switching on the lamp on his nightstand.

"Yeah. Everything's all right." Xander answered, looking at his friend's sleepy face. "Just a friend of Angel that thought Angel had gone mad."

Gunn was completely transfixed by the beauty in the doorway. Dark blond hair, dark blue eyes heavy with sleep, and the cutest nose ever. //Calm down man.// He scolded himself, but he couldn't take his eyes away from the man. //It's a man! Gender: male. So not what you're looking for. Huh, but seems like the boss's kinda that way inclined.// Josh blushed and looked down, embarrassed by the black man's gaze.

"Gunn, Josh and Xander." Angel made the introductions.

The dark man shook himself out of his stupor and firmly took a hold of himself. "Nice meeting you both." He said, waving his head. //Xander... isn't that the guy from Sunnydale that Angel's suppose to hate?// "Xander man, you sure he won't go all... you know."

"No he won't." Xander replied, shaking his head.

"All right then, I'll let you two get dressed." Gunn turned on his heel and started to walk to the door, in Josh's direction. He stopped and turned around once more. "Angel, we got a case, so don't take too much time."

Angel nodded. "I'll see you downstairs."

Gunn left, followed by Josh and the door closed behind them.

"Sorry about that." Angel said to his lover, leaning in and kissing the warm lips lovingly.

Xander lifted his hand and gently brushed the vampire's cheek. "It's ok. He was worried about... well you." He smiled tenderly. //I love you so much, but I can't tell you. You're going to hurt too much if I do.//

Angel smiled back and pressed his lips to Xander's once more. Every time they kissed, the vampire felt like all was right in the world. And that feeling was becoming addictive.

***

Gunn and Josh made their way down the stairs and into the kitchen, where the black man started to get things out to cook breakfast.

"You cook?" Josh asked shyly. The tall black man impressed him. //He’s so handsome.// Blushing at his own thoughts, he sat on a chair and looked down, playing with his fingers.

"Yeah, I use to do that a lot for my sister. I took care of her when our parents died."

"Ohhh, where is she now? You still cook for her?" Josh asked, curious.

"No. She died a couple of years ago." Gunn looked down in sorrow. "Vam... she was murdered." He added his voice barely above a whisper.

Josh was hit by a memory he wanted to forget. He shook his head, trying to clear his thought. "That's horrible." He said. He felt the urge to take the taller man in his arms, but fought it.

"Yeah, well Angel's all I have left... and I mean that literally." Gunn replied, turning to look at Josh.

//You could have me if you want.// Josh thought, blushing lightly. "Xander, he's all I have too."

Gunn looked at him quizzically. "What about your family?" //Who would ever want to hurt you?//

"No one... I have no family." Josh answered, looking at his hands. "I... I had a little brother when I was really young, but he... died when I was four. He was only two." He closed his eyes, overwhelmed by images he had hoped long forgotten.

(("Will you shut up fucking brat??" Julius yelled at his youngest son, who was crying out of hunger. "You asked for it!" The man slapped the baby's face and kicked him hard. The toddler hit the wall and slid to the floor. The room was filled with silence. The man looked with disgust at the broken body on the floor and turned to the young boy in the doorway. "Come here Joshua. You don't cry like your brother, do you? You're a good kid. I love you son. You know what daddy wants now don't you? Yes, that's a good boy. You do as daddy says and nothing bad will happen to you."))

"My mom died giving birth to him. And my dad..." His stare grew hard. "Better not to talk about that."

Gunn nodded, thinking it was best not to dig into memories. He didn't even know the young man yet, so he didn't have the right to ask more questions. He turned back to his task. "I bet you and Xander are starving. How do you like your eggs?"

*** A week later...

"Angel?" Xander asked, his voice still hoarse with sleep.

"Yeah." Came the mumbled reply.

"I think... I think I'm ready to go back to Sunnydale. I feel like I need to be there." The young man said, looking into his sleepy lover's eyes.

Angel kissed Xander chastely and hugged him tight. "We'll leave tonight. We need to tell Josh and Gunn. You mind Gunn coming with us?"

"Nope, not at all." The young man answered, thinking about the glances Gunn and Josh kept exchanging all week. "I'm sure Josh will be really happy if he does." He added whispering wickedly.

Angel smiled and kissed Xander's lips once more, this time passionately. "I can't get enough of you." He said hoarsely, as he trailed down the young man's throat.

"And I can't get enough of you either." Xander added panting. They both lost track of time.

When they finally got out of the room, Gunn and Josh were chatting quietly in the lobby, just as they had every other morning since they had met. They looked up and smiled.

Angel went to the kitchen and Xander sat beside Josh. "We're going to Sunnydale." He told his friend.

"Really?" Josh smiled excitedly. Gunn smiled at the young man's excitement. He loved to see him smile.

"Yup. We're leaving tonight." Xander answered. Looking at Gunn, he continued. "You coming with us?"

The black man seemed hesitant. He looked at Josh and the young man started pouting at him. "Please?"

Gunn shook his head and smiled. He looked down, feeling his cheeks flush. Not that they would realise it with him being black and all. He looked up. "Ok. I'll go. Gotta meet that Scooby gang anyway."

"Scooby gang?" Josh asked puzzled.

"That's what we used to call ourselves back in Sunnydale." Xander answered. "Now, lets get everything ready. We're leaving as soon as the sun sets."

***

*** Part 4: When home is the best place to be... The car ride went smoothly. Gunn and Josh were in the backseat, chatting and making jokes, laughing and singing all through the ride. Angel just smiled. There was something about the two of them that screamed they were falling in love. The vampire didn't know how Gunn would react to loving a man, but after the talk they'd had the day before, he really hoped they'd work it out.

(("Angel? Can I talk to you for a minute?" Gunn asked, walking down the stairs to the training room.

"Yes. What is it?" Angel asked a little out of breath.

Gunn sat at the bottom of the stairs and looked at his hands. "I'm... I'm wondering..."

Looking at the surprisingly shy black man, the vampire understood. Angel smiled and sat beside Gunn. "You're falling for a man and that scares you."

"How did you know?" The black man asked surprised.

"I know you and I watched how you've been acting these last few days. Josh is a nice young man, but he's been hurt a great deal." Angel said like a warning.

"I know." //No you don't man, you don't know anything about him.// He scolded himself. "I've never, ever felt this way with anyone before. It's like I crave his smiles and the light in his eyes and all those sappy things." He took a deep breath. "But I'm not gay." He added fiercely.

"Nor am I Gunn. I really do believe that love isn't about being gay or straight, I think it's about how you feel, it's about being in love, wanting to be with the person you love for as long as you can, everyday of your life. The gender doesn't matter. Follow your heart his my advice. And if what you crave is his smiles and not his body, then I think your heart is in the right place." He patted the other man's shoulder and went back to training.))

Gunn would let himself love. The vampire could feel it. Love doesn't come that often in life. //Or unlife.// Angel thought, looking at Xander.

"Is it far still, Papa Smurf?" Josh teased Angel.

"Not too far." The vampire answered, smiling. //He's not going to do it, it he?//

A few minutes later...

"Is it far still, Papa Smurf?"

"Not too far." //He is.//

"Is it far still Papa Smurf?"

"Not too far."

"Is it far st..."

"YES! Very far!" Angel growled jokingly. Everyone in the car looked at him in shock, then burst into laughter.

"What? You think I never watched the Smurfs? They've be on tv for so long, there's no way I could've lived so long without having watched it."

Xander smiled and kissed his cheek. "I can't believe you ever watched cartoons!"

Angel shook his head and concentrated on the road, a happy smile on his face.

***

Xander opened his door and stood outside of the car a little too hastily. He felt dizzy and his knees buckled. He felt strong arms around him and heard doors being closed and concerned voices asking if he had taken his pills. He couldn't remember.

"We'll give him his medication once we're inside. Lets go." Angel said to the others, lifting Xander up in his arms. He was really worried. Xander looked pale and needed a place to lay down.

As they approached the door to Giles' apartment, they heard yelling coming from inside.

"Oi! Gimme that watcher! You drank enough already."

"You're not my bloody babysitter Spike. Now give me back that bottle or I... I'll stake you!"

"Suuuure, like you can do it in your state."

Josh heard the screams and felt a little scared. Angel nodded at him to knock.

"Don't bother about the screaming. The same thing that drove Xander to San Francisco, probably drove Giles to drink. Don't know what Spike's doing here though." He muttered. //I would've thought he'd be gone by now.//

Josh nodded and knocked.

"Gonna answer that, you behave!" Spike said reaching for the door. "Oi Peaches." Spike said, recognizing only him. Suddenly, the bundle in the other vampire's arms caught his eyes. "Oh Hell! It's the whelp watcher!" Spike yelled in surprise. "But... wait a minute... why are *you* bloody carrying him Peaches?"

"Just let us in, please Spike? We'll explain all later."

"Yes, let them in Spike." Giles said, suddenly feeling a lot more sober. //Xander. Oh my God. He's here. He's really here.// "Come on in Angel."

The vampire silently thanked him and the four men stepped inside, Josh staying close to Gunn, a little scared of Spike. Gunn put his arm around the younger man's shoulder, smiling. Josh smiled back, blushing, as Angel gently lowered Xander on the couch.

"Spike? Would you mind getting a glass of water?" He asked as he rummaged through his coat pockets, trying to find the pills. Spike left for the kitchen without a word.

"Front left pocket Angel." Josh said shyly.

Angel looked in the pocket and found what he was looking for. He flashed a bright smile at Josh. "Thanks."

Spike came back and handed Angel the glass. Giles sat on the sofa and watched as Angel helped Xander sit up and gave him the pills.

"Hey baby." Angel said tenderly. "You're ok?"

Xander glanced at the silent room and waved at Spike and Giles, who looked really worried. "Yeah I guess I'll be all right... hey guys."

"Hey, you lost weight pet... don't look so good." Spike stated gently.

"Hey to you too Spike. And I know." Xander replied to the vampire standing behind him. "I'm... I'm sick." He looked at Angel, who squeezed his hand encouragingly. //Better tell them at once and be done with it.// "I... I have AIDS."

"Oh dear God." Giles exclaimed.

Spike was at a lost for words. He looked at Giles. "Like you said watcher."

"Are you going to be ok?" Giles asked looking worriedly at the young man.

//I hate to do this to him.// Xander thought before answering honestly. "No. I'm dying."

Giles got up in frustration and started to look for his bottle of scotch.

"Oh no you don't watcher!" Spike yelled, jumping for the bottle before Giles has any chance of getting it. //No point in him drinking more than he already has! He's been pissed out of his skull for the last year!//

"Bloody Hell Spike! Let me drink!"

The front door opened suddenly, interrupting the fight. "I leave you ten minutes and you're already fighting like two bloody kids!"

"Wesley!" Gunn yelled in surprise. //What's he doing here?//

Wesley stopped dead in his track and looked around, realising Spike and Giles weren't alone in the room. "Gunn... Angel." He gulped. "What are you doing here?"

"Could ask you the same question English." Gunn replied. Angel growled loudly and tried to get up, struggling to keep his game face at bay, but Xander held him firmly.

"Angel, please calm down." Xander whispered, hugging the vampire tightly. "You promised." He reminded him.

The dark vampire looked at his lover and breathed deeply. //He's right, I promised... but what is HE doing here?//

"I came here because... well because I really didn't want to fight *against* you, which would probably have happened if Lilah had gotten her way." Wesley explained. "What are you doing here?"

Gunn waved at Angel and Xander on the couch. "Xander there wanted to come see his friends."

"I'm dying." Xander said truthfully to Wesley.

"No." Giles said stubbornly. "You can't die."

"I'm sorry Giles. I'm so sorry to do this to you, but it's the truth. Please don't make it any harder than it already is." Xander pleaded. "I came here to see you... and Willow and Dawn and Tara... and even Spike. I need you... all of you." The boy was on the verge of breaking down.

"But what can we do to help?" Giles asked desperate. //I can't lose another one of them. It's too hard. He disappeared for a whole year and now, he comes back only to tell us he's dying!//

"Just... be there for me. Please?" Xander asked pleadingly.

"Oh God Xander. I missed you so much." Giles took the young man from Angel's arms and hugged him tightly. "I missed you." He repeated.

"I missed you too G-man." Xander replied crying. Giles chuckled at the nickname. //How much I missed him. Missed his silly comments and nicknames. Missed him.//

"While the two pillocks are reuniting, maybe you should introduce us to your friends there Peaches. They seem lonely... even though the black one is busy glaring at Weasley."

"Stop calling me that." Wesley exclaimed, annoyed.

Xander started to laugh between his sobs and Giles slowly let go of him. The young man snuggled into Angel's arms, his back to the vampire's chest, still laughing. "Weasley... that's a good one Spike." He said, looking warmly at the bleached vampire.

"Like it pet? Knew you would." Spike smirked.

"Josh..." Xander said turning to the young man. "Meet Giles... Spike... and Wesley." He waved at each man in turn.

"Hey." Josh said shyly, while Gunn introduced himself and shook Giles and Spike's hands.

Giles smiled at them, "Welcome to Sunnydale, Josh." He looked at Gunn. "I’ve heard a lot about you." He smiled warmly. "My..." He looked at Wesley, who nodded. "My lover..." He paused, letting the thought sink in. "Has a lot of tales to tell."

Angel's head shot up and he looked at Giles and Wesley. "You two...?" He trailed off.

"This is part of the reason why I haven't staked you yet. He wouldn't let me... The other part being the fact that Xander seems literally 'attached' to you." Giles stated, smiling lightly.

Xander snuggled even closer to Angel. "Don't you dare stake my cuddle bear, G-man." He said in a childish voice.

"I won't." Giles promised, smiling warmly at the young man.

"Xan?" Josh asked in a small voice, still in Gunn's arms.

"Yeah?" Xander replied, looking at his friend's puzzled face.

"I heard this... 'joke' about staking a couple of times, and I was wondering..." He hesitated. "You don't... you don't mean like what you did to Bryce do you?"

Xander saw fear pass over Josh's face at the memory of that day. "No." He answered, shaking his head.

"Whelp." Spike said accusingly. "He doesn't know, does he?" Xander shook his head again.

"Know about what Xan?" Josh asked curious.

"Come here." Xander said, waving at his friend.

Josh looked at Gunn, who smiled, and went to sit beside Xander and Angel. The brunette sat up, Angel's arms still around him, and looked into Josh's eyes.

Giles brought Wesley closer to his chest as if to protect him. They were all silent.

"I'm going to tell you something that might sound unbelievable, but you must trust me, ok?" Josh nodded. Taking a deep breath, Xander decided to go straight to the point. "Vampires are real."

Josh looked at his friend like he had grown horns. A smile began to form on his face, and if he hadn't been so shy, he'd have burst into laughter. "You're kidding right? You're making fun of me."

Xander shook his head. Josh looked up at the others and they were all doing the same. Gunn came to his side and took the boy's hand and squeezed lightly.

"You're not kidding then..." Josh said beginning to get scared. Gunn put his arms around the young man's shoulder in support. The black man didn't know what was driving him to be so protective of Josh, but he felt the young man needed him and trusted him.

"Prove it." Josh dared Xander.

"Nothing easier." The brunette turned his head towards Angel and looked pleadingly in the vampire's eyes. "Please?" He asked.

Angel rolled his eyes playfully and, smiling, he looked at Spike. The other vampire nodded and, looking back at Josh, they let their gamefaces surface.

"Ahhhhhh" Josh screamed in surprise, holding Gunn's shirt tightly. "Oh God." He said as he calmed down. He turned back to Angel and reached a hand in front of him. He stopped a few moments before touching the dark vampire's face. "Can I touch?" He asked shyly, curious.

Angel nodded at the young man, while Spike came to sit on the coffee table. "Wow." Josh said as he very gently traced the ridges of Angel's face. "You guys are real vampires... I mean... wow." He whispered in wonder. The other men all smiled at the boy's reaction. "Oh but... that means you drink blood right?"

Angel nodded and Spike licked his lips. "Ewwww." Josh made a face and Xander burst in laughter. Angel just smiled at Spike, the other vampire returning his smile and rolling his eyes.

"How old are you?" Josh asked, as if realizing something. //They're immortal!// He thought.

Angel looked at Giles and Wesley, still entangled, and raised his eyebrow at them, silently asking them to answer the question.

Giles smiled. "Liam was turned in 1753..."

"Liam?" Josh interrupted, puzzled.

"That's me." Angel said.

"Oh." Josh replied, settling back into Gunn's arms.

"So... this means, Angel has been a vampire for almost a quarter of a millennia." Giles continued. "As for..." He waved at Spike. "William, only he knows the truth. And his Sire that is... Some say he was turned at the beginning of the 19^th century, others much later... around 1880... Spike himself once agreed to the latter version, and said he was sired by-"

"Stop watcher!" Spike exclaimed, interrupting.

"What Spike?" Giles asked, rolling his eyes.

Angel suddenly laughed. Xander looked up at him through sleepy eyes and smiled. "What's making you laugh so much?" He asked sleepily.

Angel smiled and kissed his nose. He turned towards Spike, who was trying to blend himself to the walls. "I'm not angry Spike." Angel said calmly and honestly. All the others in the room were at a lost. They looked at each other and shrugged.

"In fact..." Angel continued. "I'm sorry."

"For what Peaches?" Spike asked uneasily.

"For whatever I did, and God knows I did a lot, that drove you to tell everyone Drusilla was your sire." He finished, looking directly into his childe's eyes.

As realisation sank in, Spike opened his eyes wide. //No sire EVER apologized to their childe... it's against the lore... Bloody hell!// He thought.

Angel pushed a little on Xander to make some space for Spike and opened his arms. "Come here Will." He said gently. The other vampire hurried to his sire's side and buried himself in Angel's strong embrace.

Suddenly realizing all the implications of what had just happened, Giles and Wesley's mouth fell open and they looked at each other.

Finally, Giles shook his head and turned towards Gunn and Josh, who were laughing at an inside joke. "Gunn, Josh, you may take the spare bedroom. There is only one bed though... I don't think that will be a problem, will it?"

Josh tensed. "No." He said hastily. "Er... we should give the bed to Xander." He said looking at his friend. "He needs to be as comfortable as possible."

Angel looked up at him and smiled. He gently shook Xander and Spike. "Xan? Will? Let me up."

The two other men sat, Spike holding a very sleepy Xander, as Angel stood up and prepared the medication for the young men.

While Angel was fetching two glasses of water, Giles and Wesley prepared the bedroom and brought sleeping bags for Gunn and Josh.

Angel lifted Xander in his arms. He looked at Gunn. "Will you be all right?" The black man nodded and, with Spike in tow, Angel climbed the stairs to the bedroom. He undressed Xander and tucked him under the covers, before taking off his own clothes and climbing in.

Spike watched in awe as Xander attached himself to Angel and fell asleep. "Real cuddle vampire you are Peaches... don't remember that." He said sitting on the edge of the bed.

Angel looked at him and smiled. "Angelus never liked this... must be why I like it so much." He said, looking warmly at Xander, then at Spike. "You wanna sleep here?" He asked, shocked at his own words.

"You serious Peaches?" Spike replied.

Angel nodded and made some space behind himself for Spike to climb in. The other vampire quickly undressed and laid on the bed.

"Will?" Angel said tenderly. "You can."

"What?" Spike asked puzzled.

"You can cuddle me if you want." Angel answered, very gently.

"Who said I..." Spike began to argue. "Oh, bugger it." He muttered, turning around and wrapping his arms around his Sire's body, his head laying on Angel's shoulder. He had wanted to do this ever since Angelus had first turned him, but the older vampire had never been one for embraces and cuddles. Spike watched the sleeping human on the other side, both Angel and him mesmerized at the sight.

"Ya know... never thought I'd end up in this position when I woke up today." He whispered, smirking.

Angel smiled, not taking his eyes off Xander. "Me neither." He said.

"He really is dying, isn't he?" Spike asked, concerned.

"Yeah." Angel answered, his voice hoarse.

"What does he have? I mean really have."

Angel took a deep breath. "What can you feel?"

Spike looked at his Sire, puzzled. "Oh. You mean what I smell... what the demon feels." He stated.

Angel nodded. //What happened to him that he distinguishes the demon from himself?//

"Wouldn't taste him. That's the first thing the d... I feel."

"That's AIDS. It's a blood infection. It weakens the immune system. That means he can catch any sickness, at any time. If you'd drain him, it could weaken you enough to turn you to dust. Even though you can't catch it really." Angel explained trying to remain calm. "You hear his breathing? The air passing through his lungs?"

"Yeah." Spike answered after a minute. "Hitchy and rough. Kinda like a motorcycle... and a bad one at that."

"Bronchitis, pneumonia, maybe even lung cancer." Angel said, troubled.

"Hell, you mean he can catch every bloody disease going?" Spike exclaimed.

Angel nodded, gently caressing Xander's cheek. "That's the problem with this particular disease. It kills all the regenerative blood cells. It's not really AIDS that's killing him, but more all the other diseases he gets because of it." He sighed and kissed Xander's forehead. "And once the degeneration is too far gone, there's nothing anyone can do to reverse the process." He closed his eyes against the tears that were threatening to fall at his helplessness.

"You're in love with him." Spike stated in a voice so gentle Angel felt his heart shatter. //How can he be so tender? He has no soul, no conscience. Yet, he still *feels*.//

"I always seem to fall for the ones I shouldn't, don't I?" He whispered, still looking tenderly at Xander.

Spike hugged his Sire tighter, but said nothing. For a while, they just laid there, listening to Xander's breathing. The young boy coughed a few times, but stayed asleep.

"You're not the only one that falls for the bloody wrong people, Peaches." Spike whispered. "Though I recall, I get your leftovers."

Angel turned his head towards the younger vampire and quirked his eyebrow.

"You blind? Drusilla, B... the slayer." Even after a year, talking about Buffy was still painful. "Him." He finished, looking at Xander. "Ya all had them b'fore me."

"Him?" Angel asked puzzled and a little worried.

"When I use to live in his basement, realized how brave he was, had respect for him. During the fight with Glory..." He stopped, not able to finish, the memories were too strong.

"You fell in love with him." Angel stated.

"Yeah. But didn’t bloody realize it til after he left."

"We're pathetic aren't we?"

"Yeah. But we fall for the best." Spike said closing his eyes. "The most insane and beautiful vampire, the most courageous slayer and the finest and bravest human." The vampire finished, his voice warm.

Angel was shocked, but in a good way. "Spike? What happened to you?" He asked very gently.

"Dunno. This chip forced me to look at humans instead of just eating them. Fighting with them *every* day I... kinda grew a soul I guess." He shrugged. "Don't really care what happened. What I care about is them... the lot of them. Gonna bloody protect the nibblet, the wiccas and that drunken watcher 'till I'm dust."

Angel smiled at his childe and nodded. "I know the feeling." He said gently. "It's like they grow on you and you can't help but want to protect them." He looked back at Xander.

"But you can't protect them from everything. They make their own mistakes, you make yours. They have their destiny and their fate. They save the world and they die. They get sick and they die. They grow old and they die. You and me, we're eternal. We'll watch over them, care for them, but in the end, we'll always lose them. And when you don't succeed in protecting them, that's when it hurts the most. You realize that, what you fought for, might have been for nothing. And then, there's this tiny little thing that was placed on your path. This tiny miracle, and you think: this is my chance, my redemption, the chance I have to still live. But even that won't last long. This miracle will turn against you and almost kill you... You've been betrayed, by your friends, your family, and yet, you're still there, you still have to fight for them. Because even though they've betrayed you, tried to kill you, even though they'll die and leave you to your sorrow, your pain, they've grown on you and you *have* to do this, for your own sake and for them. To at least give them the chance to live the time they have fully. They might not live forever physically, but they'll live forever because you remember them." Angel stopped, thankful he didn't have to breathe.

Spike sighed behind him and hugged Angel tighter to his chest. "That was bloody beautiful Peaches... didn't know you were the speech type."

Angel smirked. "There's a lot of things you don't know about me."

"I sure can believe that. And you were right... gotta protect them, cause at least it gives 'em a chance. Now... how 'bout we get some sleep? Sun's almost up and the nibblet's gonna be here early."

"Yeah." Angel replied, closing his eyes. Both vampires were slowly lulled to sleep by the mixed sound of Xander's heartbeat and Angel's purrs.

***

Xander quietly closed the door behind himself, letting the vampires sleep. He felt good this morning, rested. He’d slept better then he had in the last year. All thanks to Angel. He smiled at the thought of Spike wrapped around Angel like a security blanket. //They look so cute together.// He thought, feeling a pang of jealousy in his heart. His smile turned into a sad one. //I wanna keep him all to myself.// He whined to himself. //But I can't.// He was slowly making his way down the stairs when the front door opened.

"Giles?" Dawn asked, loudly, stepping into the apartment. Xander was stunned by the young women. She was so grown up.

Dawn quickly spotted two strangers talking on the couch. They turned to look at her and the young girl waved at them. "Hey!" She said as she walked toward them, wanting to introduce herself.

"Dawn!" Giles said, smiling as he walked out of the kitchen with his cup of tea.

"Hey Giles." Dawn turned toward him and went to say something when she heard coughing coming from the stairs. She turned and suddenly stopped. Her eyes opened wide as if she'd seen a ghost and tears welled up in her eyes. She shook her head in disbelief. "No." She muttered, before turning around and walking out the door, slamming it behind her.

"No." She kept whispering, as she finally stopped running, not so far from the apartment, and collapsed on the ground, sobbing.

//He can't... he 'abandoned' us... He left... He can't just come back like this.// She had finally learned to deal with her sister's death and all that had followed. Seeing Xander, standing there, looking so pale and skinny //What's up with that anyway?//, but still so immensely Xander, had brought back a flow of memories, images that flashed in her head. It was just too much and she broke down. //There's only so much a girl can stand.// She thought, realizing she was probably acting like a spoiled brat, but she didn't care.

//He abandoned us! He left! If he hadn't... maybe... things would have been different.// She kept repeating, memories filling her mind, as she sat there, her head in her hands, sobbing.

***

Xander stood, watching as Dawn left in fury.

"Nibblet!" Spike yelled, getting out the room, all dressed and storming down the stairs, trying to catch the fleeing girl. Angel followed him more calmly, wrapping his arms around Xander, who was shaking from the shock. //What have I done?// "Why?" He whispered in Angel's ear as the vampire guided him over to the table. They sat, Xander on Angel's lap.

"Spike, stop." Giles said, gripping the vampire's arms. "She'll be all right. Don't dust yourself for this silly reason."

Spike shrugged and sat at the table, opposite to Angel and Xander.

Giles looked at himself. "I can't really go after her dressed like I am." He said, waving at his

pajamas

lang=EN-GB . Xander started to get up. "I'll go." He said.

"Don't think that's a good idea man." Gunn replied, looking out the window. "She looks like she doesn’t wanna talk to you."

"I'll go then." Josh said shyly. "I'm... she doesn't know me... so she can't be angry at me." He said, unsure of himself.

"Good idea pet." Spike said, still shrugging. He was clearly not enjoying the fact that he could do nothing. "Needs someone neutral she does."

Josh blushed. He looked at Xander and then at Gunn and both smiled encouragingly. He walked out the door and looked around. //Where would a girl go to hide?// He asked himself.

A wave of long dark hair caught his eyes and he started walking in that direction. He recognised the young girl, sitting on the ground, her head in her hands; she seemed to be sobbing. //Ok. Found her. Now... what am I suppose to say to a sobbing girl? Hell, what am I suppose to say to a girl at all?// He thought for a second, and then he shrugged nervously. //How about I start with the obvious.//

"Hey." Josh said shyly, as he approached the girl.

Dawn looked at him, her eyes red and swollen. She shrugged, trying desperately to dry her tears.

"I... I'm not... I've never talked to a... a girl before so... how 'bout you make this easy for me?"

Dawn raised her eyebrow quizzically. "What's your name?"

"Josh... you?" The young man answered, sit