February 2006
Written for the No One Knows Giles/Xander Song-Ficathon. Song was "Stay" from Poets Of the Fall. Thanks to Kyrieane for the beta.
* * *
It was the wait that was killing him. It seemed like hours since the first light of the sun had appeared on the horizon, and yet there was no trace of the yellow sphere. The land around was taking its own sweet time to lighten and the shadows of dawn still lingered on every corner, every tree, and every bush surrounding the vast Scottish property.
They had been on vacation when Xander had fallen in love with the house and surrounding garden-forest. "You'd never find anything like this in California," He'd said, in awe. They had gotten out of the car and walked around the perimeter for a while before they saw the 'for sale' sign.
Xander had grinned and turned to Giles, saying without further thoughts: "Let's buy it. It feels like home."
A carpenter's dream, truly. It was an old, rundown Scottish house: two storeys, four bedrooms - "So the girls have somewhere to sleep when they come over" - three bathrooms, and even an immense library. "Just perfect."
Xander had spent the next months renovating, building, restoring, making this their home; their haven from the hectic life they'd lived.
Giles hands tightened around his teacup and he sniffed back tears, the sound loud in the morning's stillness. He looked away from the window, blinking.
Mist now covered the valley below and the lands surrounding their house -
"This looks even more magical than, you know, actual magical places,"
Xander had said when they'd woken up on their first misty morning. "It's
just like we've stepped through the looking glass into another world."
He'd looked at Giles with a beaming smile.
Giles had touched Xander's cheek gently and kissed his lips. "Our world." Another short and gentle kiss. "Thank you."
"What for?"
"For giving me all of this."
Xander had blushed.
"Xander-I'd be nothing without you."
Other words were said that morning, and Giles' heart tightened at the memories. It seemed like just yesterday that they'd been standing on the porch, watching the valley below them on that chilly morning. But almost a year had passed, and the house had changed, and Xander-
Giles was alone in the dining room. He could almost feel Xander beside him, just as he'd been that day; a happy sparkle in his eyes, laughing. Giles couldn't remember what they'd been laughing about, but he knew it was something he'd said. He could feel him, the shadow of Xander, and almost hear his laughter ringing in his ears.
Angered at himself for letting the memories take over his mind once again, Giles stormed out of the dining room into the kitchen, going directly for the sink. His harsh breathing seemed so out of place in the quietness of the morning. He glanced at the now cold teacup in his hands, tipping it slightly, watching as the chilled tea started flowing down into the sink.
And suddenly, he stopped breathing; the only sound in the room was that of the dripping tea. It seemed to Giles, like a dagger to his heart, that it was his life, his own life that was being poured down the drain. Everything that he was, reduced to drops of a cold darkened liquid that had nothing left in common with the comforting drink it had been just a few moments before. With a deep breath, Giles reached for the faucets and let the water erase the last pieces of his life.
There was nothing left to show.
He put the emptied cup down on the counter and stole a look at the outside from the kitchen window. The early morning mists seemed firmly in place; it would be a while before the sun came out. With a sigh, he turned his back on the beautiful scenery once more, and made his way to the upstairs bedroom.
Xander had started by renovating the inside of their two centuries old house, the bathrooms and kitchen first, because the plumbing had left a lot to be desired. As he was working on them, Giles was privy to hours and hours of Xander's babbling about what he would do to their room, to make it 'their space'. When he'd finally gotten around to it, he'd already had a plan all worked out, and Giles was happy to let him do whatever he wished; he simply loved to see the look of loving concentration on Xander's face as he worked with the wood, created wonders with his hands. And it made Xander happy.
Xander had first knocked the wall separating the two upstairs bedrooms, and then he'd worked on making the bathroom accessible from the bedroom, and had thus created an amazing space for them to sleep in. The oak parquet flooring, the handmade wooden furniture, and the big bay window all added to the feeling of peacefulness that one felt when walking into their quiet haven.
As Giles opened the door, he could hear the raspy breathing of his companion, and he knew instinctively that another coughing fit was on the way. He quickly reached the bed and helped Xander into a sitting position, waiting until his breathing eased to let him fall back unto the pillows. As Xander caught his breath, Giles sat on the nearby chair, bringing it close to the bed.
"Stay with me-" He whispered. "I need you here." Giles took Xander's hand in his and squeezed gently, knowing that more pressure would only hurt Xander's frail muscles. "There is nothing left of me if you're gone."
Xander's eyes opened and he spoke, his voice cracking on the words. "You were fine-for many years before-you met me. And then for some more years-after that."
"I was always waiting for something, waiting for-you-" Giles looked away. He'd never been one for laying out his heart like an open book; he always struggled to put emotions into words, understanding perfectly well, maybe too well, the power of each word he used to voice his most secret thoughts. He swallowed and then whispered. "I can't let you go."
Xander coughed again, not even strong enough for the simple and impulsive action of putting his hand before his mouth. His breathing became more laboured and his voice was hoarse as he said: "You have to-" His eyes seemed to close on their own, his strength almost all gone. Giles noticed that his breathing slowed down, and for a moment he felt relieved; Xander could breathe more easily, the pain ostensibly gone for a moment, and perhaps that was all Xander needed to get some rest, build up a little more strength, just enough to get him through this day. The doctors had said that if he survived today-
Suddenly, Xander's hand became limp in Giles', and with a gasp, Giles squeezed just a little more tightly, momentarily relieved of the answering twitch Xander gave.
"Xander-" Giles choked on his words and had to force back a sob before he could go on. "Don't you leave me now." He held on to Xander's hand with both of his, bringing it close to his chest. "Stay-"
Giles looked at their entwined fingers and it seemed that he could feel Xander's hand in his own even more acutely than he'd had before. As if Xander's hand was so important that he could only focus on to this one part of Xander's body. Giles blinked, his eyes fixed on the hand he held-
And then it all suddenly made perfect sense. Giles knew what he had to do; it was such a simple spell, and in a way, his body had started it even before his mind understood. He could feel a flow of warmth from his hand to Xander's. He'd often used this spell, in his youth, to strengthen one of his fellows during a particularly hard spell. Some people had more energy than others and it was effortless to simply transfer it from one healthy body to one less vigorous. Randall had been the one to show them that spell; and since Randall was the weakest, Ethan had always raged about his selfishness and had refused to use it, but Ripper had. And Rupert suddenly remembered.
He breathed once, deeply, drawing the air into his lungs, and then slowly exhaled, effectively calming his over beating heart. If he could only transfer some of his energy to Xander, just enough to keep him fighting until this day was over.
When the doctors had agreed to let them go home, both Giles and Xander feeling that if this was the end, Xander should be spending it where he was most comfortable, the doctors had told Giles that there was little hope, but if he could last through today, then he would be over the worse and most possibly on the road to recovery. A nasty cold turned deadly, they had said, nothing more they could do to help, it was left to his body to fight it off now. But nothing said Giles couldn't give Xander's body a helpful push.
He flattened Xander's hand between his own, and rested his elbows on his knees. He closed his eyes and slowly started to breathe out on their entwined hands. The words felt foreign on his tongue, as if years of non-use had made them different, alien. It used to be that he could say this spell faster than he could say his own name; it had saved a few of their lives in time. Now, though, he said each of the words slowly, making sure that each of them was coated with his love for this man.
His love for Xander.
He'd never thought he was meant to love again. Not after Ethan, not after Jenny. But then Xander had grown, taken life by the ears, and changed him. Xander liked to say that everything had changed suddenly, that from one moment to the next, Giles had gone from stuffy older man to sexy well-preserved middle-aged love interest. But Giles knew the truth. He'd felt it too, this slow road they'd both taken from friends to better friends, to even better friends, until they had both noticed the twinkle in the other's eyes and had looked down, away from it, then back up, only to find their own conflicted emotions reflected in the other's gaze. It hadn't been an easy road, by all means. While Giles had dealt with his attraction to men a long time ago, Xander hadn't ever even considered the thought. He'd been attracted to women, and that was all he needed to know about himself. He'd never looked deeper, where he'd pushed all the "other" thoughts, those he hadn't been supposed to feel.
The road had led to here: this house, this place, and this moment in time. Giles didn't want it to end. Not when he'd been waiting all his life for this peacefulness of being, for this utter understanding that they both felt when in each other's presence. This was his life. His everything. And he had one last chance of making sure Xander stayed with him. Giles couldn't let him go anywhere that he couldn't follow.
The hand in his was now almost scorching from the warmth it had absorbed, and Giles believed it was a good omen. He slowed down his chanting, letting the final words slip from his tongue almost silently. He then closed his eyes, focusing on breathing in and out. He couldn't fall asleep now, no matter how much his body was screaming for it.
Xander's hand twitched, and Giles felt more than he heard the coughing fit that overtook his emaciated body. He leaned over his lover, and helped him sit upright, his hand gently, soothingly rubbing Xander's back and the fit passed, and Xander's breathing eased.
"What did you do?"
Xander's face was flushed, and his eyes bright with life, and Giles laughed in relief; a good, hearted laugh that had Xander looking confused, and shaking his head. He let himself fall back on the bed, and closed his eyes once more. But this time, he squeezed Giles' fingers.
"I'm tired."
With a deep breath, Giles stopped laughing, his smile becoming gentle and comforting. He pushed a strand of hair away from Xander's eyes and let his fingers linger on his cheek, loving the feeling of Xander's skin. "You need to rest." Giles swallowed, aware of just how close it had come, but relieved; Xander would make it through the day, he would fight this off, even if Giles had to give him every bit of energy he had left in his own overtired body.
"Stay?"
Tears in his eyes, Giles shed his robe and climbed into the bed. He laid on his side, facing Xander, their hands finding each other without conscious thoughts.
"Can I watch the sunrise with you tomorrow?"
"Anything you want."
***
Morning comes slow today
Memories push through from yesterday
Where will I be tomorrow
What do I have to show
From my life
Stay
I need you here for a new day to break
Stay
I want you near like a shadow in my wake
Flow with life down the drain
Memories and force of will sustain
Where will I be tomorrow
What will be left to show
From my life
Stay
I need you here for a new day to break
Stay
I want you near like a shadow in my wake
It's the little things
Little things
Little things
That make the world
Stay
I need you here for a new day to break
Stay
I want you near like a shadow in my wake
Stay
Here with me don't you leave
Stay
Stay with me until the day is over