Without Your Love
April 22, 2003
Written while trying to write the last paper of the semester.
* * *
Xander
entered Buffy’s house silently. It wouldn’t do to wake anyone up. Dawn and
Willow were asleep upstairs and they really needed their rest. He softly closed
the door behind himself and looked into the living room. There was the reason
for which he was sneaking inside in the middle of the night. Sleeping on the
couch, one arm slumped down the side, the other wrapped his torso holding a
book that looked half read, and snoring softly, was Giles.
Xander
leaned in the doorway and for a few minutes just drank in the sight of the
older man peacefully asleep. After two years of avoiding the question and
trying to forget everything Giles had told him, Xander had finally took a
decision. He had come to terms with himself and was ready to move on.
Giles
looked much older than he ever had and Xander felt a twinge of regret as
realization hit him : maybe it was too late? But no. Giles had promised...
Xander
looked back at the door, wondering if he should just leave it as it was and go
on with his life, miserable and alone. No. He couldn’t. He had to.
Taking a
deep breath, he walked to the couch and knelt, taking Giles’ hand in his.
"Giles?"
He asked softly, not wanting to wake the other man too abruptly. "Giles,
wake up."
First, the
hand in Xander's squeezed lightly, then Giles eyes blinked twice before he
brought his free hand up and rubbed them. "Wha? Xander?" Giles
mumbled sleepily, carefully holding the book as he sat up. His hand never left
Xander's.
"Sorry
to wake you up." Xander looked down at their joint hands before sitting
beside Giles on the couch. It felt perfect and warm.
"Why
are you here in the middle of the night?" Giles asked as he put on his
glasses and blinked before looking at the young man beside him.
"I've
been thinking." Xander answered awkwardly. "Well, to be completely
honest with you, I've spent the last two years thinking since..." He touched
his eye patch lightly, more out of habit than anything else. It was part of who
he was now, no longer a handicap. "What you told me that day, I can't stop
thinking..."
"You
heard me?" Giles interrupted him, dumbfounded.
Xander
nodded. "Yeah, I wasn't really there, but I heard." He looked around
the room, everywhere but at Giles. "At first, I could just remember that
you'd been there, not what you said. But after a while, it started coming back
to me. Sometimes in a dream or when somebody said something and it would just
trigger the memories without warning. I started to put some semblance of order
into it and then you left and there was the letter which made everything make
sense."
Giles
looked down, not able to bear the sight of the younger man right now. What he
had said to him in the hospital and again in the letter had been very heartfelt
and he wasn't sure anymore if it had been the good thing to do.
Xander
reached with his free hand and lifted Giles' chin. "Thank you."
Their eyes
locked. Beat.
"For
everything you said. That I was brave and strong and even for calling me a
blasted moron and for telling me just how bloody
irritating and idiotic I used to be. You... what you said helped me go
through some tough times." He touched the patch again. A reflex. "and
I needed that."
Giles
smiled and brushed his free hand over Xander's left cheek. "You are – and
were – all those things." And much more.
Xander
could feel tears prickle in his eyes, but he wouldn't let himself cry. He never
cried. "The last part came as a bit of a shock you know, cause maybe I'm
stupid, but I had no idea..."
Giles
looked away once more. "I made sure you wouldn't know."
"You
failed."
Giles
looked back at Xander sharply.
"After
the hospital, when... everything happened and then you had to leave and... I think
I knew." Xander squeezed Giles's hand tenderly.
Looking in
each other eyes. Beat.
Xander
leaned and pressed his lips to Giles. Everything stilled. Just like Xander had
dreamed it would. Time stopped and they just kissed.
Their lips
moved against each other slowly, lovingly, but before it could go any further,
Xander withdrew.
"I'm
not sure yet if I feel for you the same way you do for me, but, after two years
of thinking, or trying not to think, about it and feeling alone, I really want
to give it a try. You're a wonderful man, Rupert Giles..."
The use of
his full name made the watcher smile, even as his heart started to beat faster
and he felt a twinge of pain in his heart. Xander was just feeling alone.
"And
after all the losses we've had in the last couple of years," Xander
continued, "I'm not so sure you'll still be here – or even I'll still be
here – when I finally make up my mind. I want to give this a try. I want a
chance at finding out if I love you just as much as you love me... as much as I
think I can love you... as much as I desperately want to love you."
And Giles
said nothing. He just brought their lips together once more and prayed to
whoever was listening that whatever time they had left in this life, they could
spend together and never be alone again.
The end
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